There were 429 spoof news stories published in March 2020. A selection of the most popular stories is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get news stories from a day in this month.
Confused cat killed
A black cat called 'Mike', who successfully sued his former owner for not recognizing that he is in fact a white dog trapped inside the wrong body with the wrong-colored skin, has died. The lawsuit, which was filed last week in Fort Lauderdale, F...
Read full storyCoronavirus Spelled Backwards = Suriv-Anoroc: A Coincidence?
BILLINGSGATE POST: You might have to change your minds about the relevancy of unintended coincidences. But with all of the handwringing attention being given to the Worldwide Coronavirus epidemic, perhaps some linguistic analysis of the semordnilap o...
Read full storyCoronavirus - Patient Zero identified
The first confirmed case of someone suffering from COVID-19 has been traced back as far as December 24 last year, according to a leaked document coming from The World Health Organisation. The Savannah Morning News has reported it had seen data sho...
Read full storyLiverpool Face Points Deduction
Last week it was Manchester City who were in trouble for their financial shenanigans, and this week, an even bigger story is emerging, as Liverpool - with a 22-point cushion at the top of the Premier League - face having some of those points deducted...
Read full storyMeghan Markle Has Agreed To Wear A Skimpy Bikini Swimsuit and Do a Public Service Commercial For The Coronavirus
LOS ANGELES – The former Duchess of Sussex, Meghan Markle, was approached by a public service organization about doing a television ad to stress the importance of getting tested for the Coronavirus Markle said that she is only too glad to do it, a...
Read full storyISIS suicide dog training camp raided
A camp reported to be conducting the training of puppies, to enable them to carry out suicide bombing missions, has been raided by allied Special Forces. The camp, located in Northern Afghanistan, is understood to have been wiped out, with dozens...
Read full storyAmericans arm themselves as Coronavirus panic spreads
Sales of automatic weapons and assault rifles have almost trebled overnight in some states, as Americans prepare themselves for an onslaught of disease, famine, and death. Forecasters have predicted that the virus will 'only get worse' , and is...
Read full storyBlackpool man speaks to wife for first time in years, thanks to coronavirus
After last week's news that the English Football Leauge has been suspended until April 3 at the earliest, due to the widespread coronavirus outbreak, Blackpool supporter Pommo Pomerenko was forced to speak to his wife of 15 years, Joan, for the first...
Read full storyIRS has local man puzzled
A Shreveport man is claiming that the Internal Revenue Service is sending him mixed signals regarding both his 2018 and 2019 tax returns. Tatty Mullett, 38, a broad-shouldered man with a back akin to a sturdy oak, relayed two conversations he had ha...
Read full storyNightmare Coronavirus Succession Scenario Could See Meghan Crowned Queen
The Prince of Wales has tested positive for coronavirus, Clarence House has announced, resulting in a revised succession schedule that could see Prince Harry and Meghan Markle being crowned King and Queen, while living abroad in Canada. Prince Ch...
Read full storyCoronavirus food shortages leads to Brits eating horse meat
Food shortages in the UK have led to supermarkets and butchers resorting to selling horse meat, as stockpiles of beef, pork and chicken are diminished by panic-buying Brits. Many shoppers are confessing that they actually enjoy the taste of horses...
Read full storyEthiopia to hold benefit concert for Brits
Musicians in Ethiopia are coming together to hold a benefit concert on Wednesday, to raise money for people in the UK impacted upon by the coronavirus. The concert named “Now It's Your Turn", will be held on Wednesday at the Addis Ababa Stadium.
Read full storyPrisons to release offenders early to prevent Coronavirus spread in US penal system
With prisons and jails in danger of becoming breeding grounds for the coronavirus, the White House has come up with a novel way of releasing criminals back into society earlier than their initial sentences demanded While not classed as parole, th...
Read full storyDyslexic man contracts new virus
A Hull man has been struck down with a new strain of coronavirus after working in Thailand. Tatty Mullett, 56 was stood nearby an 81-year-old carrier of the deadly SARS-like infection. Officials have confirmed the man caught the virus after his...
Read full storyChina's Military Aspirations A Concern Says Wee Jimmy Krankie
China’s military capabilities are growing deadlier and more technologically sophisticated, says former cabaret and TV star, Wee Jimmy Krankie. China is likely training for bombing strikes against American targets, and also strengthening its nuclear c...
Read full storyFrench tourist guilty on 549 charges of rape and sexual assault
A French skunk has been found guilty on five hundred and forty-nine of six hundred possible counts: criminal sexual act in the first degree and rape in the third degree. He was found not guilty, though, of the most serious charges, of bestiality (two...
Read full storyFrance at war against coronavirus
France will spend 45 billion euros to help prostitutes with the coronavirus outbreak, the country’s finance minister announced on Tuesday, after President Emmanuel Macron declared “we are at war” against the virus, and ordered citizens to remain home...
Read full storyWriter sees sales soar thanks to coronavirus
English author, Duncan Whitehead, has reported that sales of his books in the USA have trebled overnight, as shoppers continue to panic-buy goods and food. However, the increase in sales appears to have had nothing to do with the stories themselv...
Read full storyJohn Travolta Tests Negative For Coronavirus
After an initial scare on Friday, Hollywood superstar, John Travolta, has left hospital this morning, having completed a full series of tests for the Coronavirus. The results were all negative. Doctors said that he was suffering from a simple c...
Read full storyThousands Naming Newborns After Virus
Thanks to the coronavirus, Corano has grabbed the No. 1 spot on Babynames.com list of most popular male baby names of 2020 so far. Sanitizrella was the most popular girl's name. "The overwhelming news saturation of the virus led to the popular...
Read full storyCDC Officials: Staying Home and Posting Toilet Paper Memes on Facebook is Still a Safe Activity
Washington - Health Officials in the Trump administration and the Centers for Disease Control confirmed on Friday that it is not a high-risk activity for seniors, and others at risk from the Coronavirus contagion, to just stay sheltered in their hom...
Read full storyAfricans Glad They Don't Live In America
The coronavirus outbreak that has ravaged New York, Miami and other major US towns and cities, has many Africans feeling very glad they do not live in America. “I am glad I live in Lagos and not in New York or one of its surrounding boroughs and...
Read full storySelf-Isolating 50-Year-Old Bachelor Reflects On Life
Self-isolating Blackpool bachelor, John Hunt, 50, is dwelling and reflecting on his past, according to reports emanating from the northern seaside town. Hunt, who lives alone, is nostalgically reflecting on happier times, such as when he was a membe...
Read full storyOverzealous UK Police Launch Operation Powertrip
Assistant Commissioner Neil Basu demanded that officers maintain the British tradition of 'policing by consent', despite launching 'Operation Powertrip', the plan that calls for the harassment of joggers and easter egg shoppers, and the random shooti...
Read full storyKardashians Lose Keys To City Of Miami, Causing Chaos
Socialites, businesswomen, and models, Kim and Kourtney Kardashian, caused chaos yesterday, after misplacing the keys to Miami. The sisters were awarded the keys to the city in 2012, an honor bestowed upon them by the municipality after the sist...
Read full storyLiverpool Want Harry Maguire In Summer After Watford Defensive Disaster
Rumours emanating from Anfield this morning are that Liverpool will seek to strengthen their defence in the summer, after their present back four was 'taken to the cleaners' in yesterday's 3-0 defeat at Watford. They will be making a serious £100m...
Read full storyRedundancies At Travelling Circus As Virus Lockdown Hits Tourism
Citing a lack of visitors, spiralling food costs, and other financial issues due to the current global pandemic, Tatty Mullett's Travelling Circus and Freak Show announced they would be laying off nearly seventy members of staff, including clowns, f...
Read full storyLara Croft's Tits Bigger Than Before
A man who often notices these kinds of things, has noticed that animated game character, Lara Croft, is 'bigger in the bosom' than she used to be - or so it seems. Lara, who stars in new game 'Relic Run', and used to be in 'Tomb Raider', can be se...
Read full storyPurdue Pharma Recommends Oxycontin for Treating Coronavirus Self-Quarantine Symptoms
While there is currently no known cure for COVID-19 itself, Purdue Pharma, the maker of the opioid drug Oxycontin, issued a statement recommending Oxycontin for off-label use in treating the symptoms of coronavirus self-quarantine – which may include...
Read full storyIrish Americans to toast St Patricks Day by celebrating terrorism
Irish Americans will once again celebrate St Patrick's Day, dressed in green, claiming to 'have a Great Great Grandfather, who knew a guy from Ireland', and insult true Irish people everywhere by downing 'Irish Car Bomb' drinks, totally unaware and o...
Read full storyDr. Dre To Re-release Classic Album
Well-known rap starlet, Dr. Dre, is to re-release his 1992 solo debut studio album, 'The Chronic', in April, albeit with a subtle, and topical, namechange - 'The Coronic'. Too bad no stores will be open. Fans will, however, be able to order the...
Read full storyResidents of A Senior Citizens Home in Nebraska Are Passing the Time by Playing Twister
BROKEN BOW, Nebraska - Flossie Wunderwurst, the director of The Napping Nightingale Senior Citizens Home, which houses 603 older men and women, states that, everyone in the entire home is doing well and are in a happy mood, considering. The long-...
Read full storyNew York Man Realizes He Has No Potential
“I always felt bad about myself for not realizing my full potential,” said Calvin Doyle of Brooklyn, New York. “But then I realized that I probably had – there just wasn’t much to realize. Hardly anything, in fact.” According to Doyle, the realiza...
Read full storyEngland to close Scottish and Welsh borders
England will be closing its borders with Wales and Scotland to anyone who is not a citizen, Prime Minister Boris Johnson has announced. The new measure, to mitigate the spread of the coronavirus in England, also includes the Isle of Wight, The Cha...
Read full storyArmy ordered to shoot on sight greedy Brits
Furious Britons who have criticised selfish panic-buyers who are raiding supermarket shelves and leaving those most in need without food and essential supplies, have been heard by Prime Minister Boris Johnson, who announced sweeping laws to combat th...
Read full storyCalifornia Will Soon Start Arresting Joggers
SACRAMENTO – The Governor has just informed the citizens of the great jogging state of California of a brand new law known as COVFEFE-45 DJT. The law has been named after Donald Trump, the quasi-president of the somewhat United States of America.
Read full storyCristiano Ronaldo Signs For Hull City
There was great excitement in East Yorkshire this morning, when it was revealed that the former Manchester United, Real Madrid and Juventus star, Cristiano Ronaldo, had signed for Championship strugglers, Hull City. No cash was involved, as the Ti...
Read full storyMan Couldn't Get Booger That Was 'Just Around The Corner'
A man who had overcome a persistent winter cold, and had just about got back to full health, told colleagues this week, about how he had tried to remove a bogey from his nose, but couldn't, because the bloody thing was nestled "just too far around th...
Read full storyHome of Middle-Class Family is Inexplicably Cold
Middle-class families are living in primitive, near-hypothermic conditions all year round, it has emerged. In a Spoof exclusive, we investigate the stark and tragic world of middle-class families willfully living in homes which would be deemed to...
Read full storyThe Latest Las Vegas Odds on Trump Getting Re-Elected
LAS VEGAS – The word from The Land of Odds is out, and it does not look very good for Old Man Trump in his bid to win a second term. National Focus Magazine is reporting that, it is no secret that businessman Trump being president makes about as m...
Read full storyJoe Biden Wrestles with Crippling Case of Imposter Syndrome
“Sometimes, I wonder how I even ended up running for vice president - I mean president,” said an incredulous Joe Biden regarding his bid for the Democratic nomination for the 2020 election. “I’m not even that smart.” Despite the support and endors...
Read full storyThe Newly Developed Coronavirus Whistling Test Works Like A Charm
OSLO, Norway - A company that deals in disease testing has come up with a test that has proven to be 89.7% effective in testing for the C-19 virus strain. Dr. Bjorn Thor Steinfest, who has been with the company for 47 years, said that the testing...
Read full storyMan Decides To Count World's Ant Population
A man who has some time on his hands after having been given two weeks off work due to the Coronavirus pandemic, has disclosed his intention to undertake a scientific study into the world's ant population, and to discover just how many of them there...
Read full storyJohn Travolta Back In Hospital
Having undergone tests for the Coronavirus in hospital last week, superstar actor, John Travolta, was back under medical supervision today after suffering further 'flu-like symptoms. Travolta, 66, was initially admitted to hospital for tests last...
Read full storyConor McGregor Has Coronavirus Mutation
In what's expected to be criticised as a pointless, ridiculous and, frankly, meaningless piece of nonsense, it's been announced that Conor McGregor, the MMA and UFC bloke, has developed a variant strain of the Coronavirus. The Irishman has been to...
Read full storyMan Concerned Over Watermelon Seed He Swallowed
A man who inadvertently swallowed a watermelon seed last night, has said he is rather concerned over what might happen next. The incident happened around 9:30pm, when Moys Kenwood, 56, was sitting in front of the TV with his family, all watching s...
Read full storyConor McGregor To Fight Australian Contender
With all manner of potential opponents clamoring to secure the payday of a lifetime by getting into the Octagon with Conor McGregor, the UFC superfighter has plumped for a rather unusual antagonist from Down Under in his next contest - a kangaroo.
Read full storyThrobbing Gristle Founder Genesis P-Orridge Mourned By Her Majesty The Queen
There were sombre scenes at Buckingham Palace this evening, and the Royal Standard stood at half-mast, after the news was broken to Her Majesty the Queen that Genesis P-Orridge, the founder member and lead singer of Throbbing Gristle, had died, aged…
Read full storyLiverpool FC To Hold Premier League Victory Parade On Sunday
With what's being said by many to be "an unassailable lead" in the Premier League, Liverpool Football Club have organised a victory parade around the city's streets on Sunday to celebrate their first title in 30 years. The end of the season is not...
Read full storyMan Buys Vast Quantity Of Drinking Water
A man who suspected he might have trouble finding sufficient supplies of clean potable water for his family during the current worldwide health scare, has bought what's been described as an enormous quantity of drinking water to 'get them through the...
Read full storyYorkshire 'Flu
We're all having a bit of a grim time of it at the moment, but think on! - some folks have a grim time of it all the time! Yes, you might think that things have got a little dark and depressing for you during the current health crisis, but 'dark a...
Read full storyPresident Trump Says He Wants Ex-NASCAR Driver Danica Patrick To Be His Personal Driver
WASHINGTON, D.C. – A White House insider has hinted that POTUS is not very happy with his present presidential chauffeur. Apparently, Trump caught his driver listening to CNN as he was driving Melania to the supermarket. Melania reportedly inform...
Read full storyThe Return of Spoof Writer Abel Rodriguez
I started writing for Mark Lowton's Spoof back in 2004. I left the Spoof in 2014. And for the past six years I have been living up in Penguinville, Alaska. This little quaint Eskimo fishing village is just a stone's throw from the North Pole. I...
Read full storyJoe and Jill Biden Are Already Picking Out The New Colors For The White House Carpets
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Mr. and Mrs. Joe Biden celebrated his fantastic victory in the South Carolina Primary well into the wee hours. Reports are that the happy couple danced to the music of Led Zeppelin, The Eagles, and The Barenaked Ladies while di...
Read full storyPresident Trump Has Orgy With Demi Lovato, Nicki Minaj, Kellyanne Conway And Meghan Markle
WASHINGTON, DC - White House officials are, this morning, denying rumours of a spectacular orgy in which Trump participated. That's President Donald Trump, you understand. Some writers don't explain that; they just say 'Trump', inferring some k...
Read full storyMan's Ford Capri Has Coronavirus
A man in Bradford has said that his car, which he has been driving for more than forty years, has come down with the Coronavirus. Phil Riddiough, 62, has been driving his yellow Ford Capri, Maisie, to and from work - and other places - since 1978,...
Read full storyMan Has Gone To Live In Parallel Universe
A man who has had quite enough of his life in its current dimension, has 'upped sticks' and gone to live in a parallel universe, according to reports. Still using the same physical shell to move about in, Moys Kenwood, 56, 'willed' himself into an...
Read full storyJack-In-The-Box Suggests That Eating Their Ultimate Cheesburger Could Help Fight Off Coronavirus Germs
San Diego, California - A representative with Jack-In-The-Box has informed a reporter with The Los Angeles Post-Gazette that their corporation feels that eating an Ultimate Cheesburger could possibly prevent someone from getting COVID-19. Pettus H...
Read full storyPresident Trump Has Noticed A Similarity Between The Words 'Panic' And 'Pandemic'
It's been reported from the White House in the last few minutes, that President Donald Trump has become aware of a distinct similarity between two very popular words in circulation at the moment - 'panic' and 'pandemic'. According to reliable sour...
Read full storyJoe Biden Reminisces Back ToThe Day When He Won Super Bowl III
Sitting in his campaign office headquarters in Washington DC, presidential candidate, Joe Biden, started reminiscing about his past heroics, which included the time in 1879, when he single-handedly developed a vaccine for yellow fever. Then, in 1955...
Read full storyCDC Begins Planning Sequel to COVID-19
“It’s not often we manage to capture the public's attention the way we did with COVID-19,” said Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Director Robert Redfield, M.D. “We want to capitalize on that momentum with a follow-up that really does justic...
Read full storyGhost Of Former Liverpool Manager Bill Shankly Seen Hovering Around Premier League Offices
Bill Shankly, the former Liverpool manager who steered the Reds to massive success in the 1960s and 70s, has been seen hovering around the offices of the English Premier League, making a nuisance of himself. Or rather, his ghost has. Executives...
Read full storyGalapagos Islands Turtle Tests Positive For Coronavirus
A pair of marinebiologists carrying out new research in the Galapagos Islands have said that, in a development that can scarcely be believed, a giant turtle has tested positive for the Coronavirus. The turtle, which is thought to be almost 200 yea...
Read full storyThe Real Reason Why Tom Brady Left The New England Patriots For The Tampa Bay Buccaneers
BOSTON – One of the greatest quarterbacks to ever play in the NFL is saying goodbye to the team he has led for 20 years. Tom Brady spoke with Hercules Confetti of Sporting Chance Magazine. The six-time Super Bowl champ was asked if he had a proble...
Read full storyThe Sex Toy Industry is Booming Due to The COVID-19
SAN FRANCISCO – The iNews Agency is reporting that the sex toy industry is experiencing the greatest boom in the history of sex toys, because of the C-19 social distancing 6-foot rule. Upper Northern Hemisphere Sex Toy Company CEO, Ira Goldenberge...
Read full storyLiverpool Denied First Title In 30 Years By Coronavirus Football Shutdown
It's been confirmed after an extraordinary meeting of Premier League and English Football League officials last night, that from midnight tonight, all football in the UK will be suspended indefinitely, and that Liverpool, the team that looked odds-on...
Read full storyOscillating Fan Has Stopped Oscillating
An oscillating fan that was bought around seven years ago, and has worked perfectly well since then, providing whole-room coverage day and night, has chosen this morning to stop its oscillatory activity, and now only points in one direction. The...
Read full storyMan Read 'The Purple Cloud' By M.P. Shiel, And Stared To Get A Bit Frightened
A man has told about how he read the 1901 classic science fiction novel, 'The Purple Cloud' by the British writer, M.P. Shiel, and, having finished it, started to become very afraid, indeed. The story is one of a man, Adam Jeffson, who is a member...
Read full storyManchester United Captain Harry Maguire Has Coronavirus Immunity
As scientists raced to find a cure for the deadly Coronavirus yesterday, hope for humanity sprang from an unlikely source, when it was announced that Manchester United and England defender, Harry Maguire, had shown an immunity to the plague. Magui...
Read full storyBrexit Party celebrates end of freedom of movement
It's what 17.4 million people voted for, according to party leader, Nigel Farage, and it has arrived at last. Coronavirus has achieved what the politicians could not do - completely ended freedom of movement. "It's fantastic news!" said Farage. "I...
Read full storyQueen Says Liverpool Must Be Handed Premier League Title
Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth has waded into the row over whether or not Liverpool Football Club should be handed the Premier League title before the league season is actually over. The PL programme has been temporarily shut down due to fears over t...
Read full storyFashion Houses Unveil Summer Collections
In a unique international fashion event in Beijing, all the major design houses took the opportunity to reveal their Summer Collections, and a glimpse of the fresh, new and original outfits that literally everyone will be wearing on the streets of Pa...
Read full storyMan On Downtown New York Street Corner Asked If He's Got Any Toilet Paper
At one time, the men standing on street corners in downtown New York City were there for one reason: the sale of illegal substances to get you through until the next day. All that seems to have changed at the moment, after one man, in Brooklyn, mi...
Read full storyMud 'Lonely This Christmas' To Be Re-Issued
The British glam-rock group, Mud, have announced that their record company will be re-releasing one of their biggest hit singles, 'Lonely This Christmas' later this month, before it's too late! Mud had a string of Top-10 hits during the early 1970...
Read full storyMeghan Markle Talks About The Nude Photos That Have Just Surfaced
HOLLYWOOD – Meghan Markle, who was formerly the Duchess of Sussex, until Queen Elizabeth took away her title, her crown, and her duchess carriage, spoke with RumorLand News regarding alleged nude photos of her that have just surfaced. RumorLand Ne...
Read full storyTinder Adds New “COVID-19 Positive” Option For Users
SAN FRANCISCO - In a bid to stay relevant during the recent global pandemic, the popular dating app, Tinder, has added a new option for those testing positive for COVID-19. “At Tinder, we have a simple mission – that everyone deserves the opportun...
Read full storyMister Donut Plate Has Finally Come To Grief
A plate that was stolen from a Mister Donut back in around 2001, has finally 'given up the ghost', after it was wilfully broken by two children earlier today. The plate, which was actually more of a tray than anything else, was made from strengthe...
Read full storyLiverpool: Has Jürgen Klopp Lost The Dressing Room?
There was more bad news for Liverpool fans at Stamford Bridge last night, as the Reds crashed out of the FA Cup at the hands of Chelsea, and, after being hammered 3-0 at Watford on Saturday - meaning they have suffered two defeats in four days - so…
Read full storyManchester United Captain Harry Maguire Self-Isolating In His Gas Cupboard
The Coronavirus has completed its first phase of infecting enough people to get humanity's attention, and is now in its second stage: sowing the seeds of fear into the population, and making them think the 'end of the world is nigh'. And so it was...
Read full storyPiranha Attack Victim Felt As If He Were Been Eaten Alive
A man who was the victim of an attack by piranha fish in the South American Amazon Basin, has said the animals were so ferocious, and the attack so sustained, he felt he was literally being "eaten alive". Ernesto Sanchez was on a camping trip in a...
Read full storyThe White House Has Run Out of Toilet Paper
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Two of the White House maids have disclosed to a reporter with The Washington Globe Express that the huge mansion at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue has run out of toilet paper. The two White House maids, who did not want to give their...
Read full storyManchester United: Harry Maguire Reveals His First Job Was Making Sausages
We all have secrets in our past that we may be either ashamed or embarrassed about, but Manchester United and England central defender, Harry Maguire, has no such concerns about his past, and yesterday revealed that, after leaving school, he had a pa...
Read full storyDove Feels Unfairly Pigeonholed
Fed up with constantly being regarded as a symbol of peace, a dove named Dave, from New York City, admitted to feeling unfairly pigeonholed. “I’ve got nothing against peace, of course,” said Dave. “But I also experience a whole range of other emot...
Read full storyAnti-Coronavirus Dog Collars Available To Public From Friday
Retailers in the UK say that a human version of the protective Elizabethan Collar worn by dogs to stop them licking, biting or scratching themselves, will be on sale in clothing stores later this week. The collars, which make dogs look like they h...
Read full storyIntroverts Everywhere Secretly Rejoice at Coronavirus Excuse to Isolate
“Just to be on the safe side, I’m self-quarantining,’ Calvin Jessup of Nashville, Tennessee, told the therapist who’s been treating him for anxiety and depression. “I know you’ve told me how crucial it is to develop community, but I couldn’t live wit...
Read full storyDog Walker Says Her Business Has Gone to the Dogs
MANHATTAN - One of the Big Apple's most popular dog walkers says that her business has drastically been reduced because of COVID-19. Tatum Dazzle noted that the new “No Dog Walking” ordinance is literally killing off her business, and she says she...
Read full storyThe Leader of China Vows to Start Referring to C-19 as Trump’s Donvid-45
HONG KONG - The people of China are extremely upset with President Trump, who purposely, arrogantly, and sarcastically, has insisted on calling the Coronavirus the Chinese Virus. The leader of China, Xi Jinping, politely asked Trump to refrain fro...
Read full storyMelania Trump Anagram Competition Announced
There was great excitement across the whole of America last night, and the Fox News switchboard was jammed, as hordes of callers started to phone the station with their 'Melania Trump Anagram Competition' submissions, and there were some interesting...
Read full storyToilet Paper In Demand Because People Are Shitting Themselves Over Coronavirus
A top consumer analyst has said that the reason behind the perceived madness of panic-buying toilet rolls, is that the Coronavirus and its implications have got people shitting themselves. More than they usually shit, that is. Moys Kenwood, 56,...
Read full storyDairy Queen Makes A Major Announcement Regarding The C-19
MINNEAPOLIS – According to The Minneapolis Daily Embellisher, the DQ headquarters has just implemented a new corporate policy. DQ Senior Executive Vice-Chairman Angus P. Butterhouse has informed the public that, effective immediately, all of the...
Read full storyPresident Trump v. Coronavirus: Has The Virus Met Its Match?
As the fatal Coronavirus continues to sweep all before it in its victory parade around the globe, political analysts are asking the all-important question in the lead-up to the 2020 presidential election: "Has the virus met its match?" They ref...
Read full storyCoronavirus: Man Doesn't Want To Cause Widespread Panic, But EVERYONE Is Going To Die
With the deadly Coronavirus spreading quickly across all continents, one man, who has painstakingly analyzed the situation, has said that he doesn't really want to cause mass hysteria amongst the populace, but everyone - yes, EVERYBODY - is going to…
Read full storyTrump Says He Will Nuke China If He Knows, For Sure, They Are Serving Bat Soup
White House sources close to President Donald Trump have said that he is seething over as-yet unsubstantiated reports that restaurants in Wuhan are, once more, serving Bat Soup to customers. Wuhan is the city where the Coronavirus first leapt into...
Read full storyDonald Trump Could Become Interim Monarch Of The UK
Royal geneologists decided at an emergency meeting in London last night, that, if the worst were to happen, and the Royal Family were laid waste by the current health pandemic, then, at a pinch, and for purely a temporary period only, the US presiden...
Read full storyEastenders: Queen Vic Given Special Dispensation To Stay Open During Coronavirus Pandemic
Prime Minister Boris Johnson may have spoken to the nation, and laid down the law telling people to stay at home during the Coronavirus crisis, with all pubs and clubs to shut, but, for one public house, in particular, this arrangement will not apply...
Read full storyPresident Trump Has Left Planet Earth
It's been reported from reliable sources that US president, Donald Trump, has blasted off from planet Earth with his family and senior Republican party members, for an unknown destination in outer space. The news was announced just minutes ago on...
Read full storyThe Philadelphia Eagles Are Interested In Manchester United’s Harry Mcguire
PHILADELPHIA – A spokesperson for the NFL Philadelphia Eagles has said that the team has expressed an interest in signing Harry Mcguire, the current captain of the Manchester United Red Devils to a lucrative contract. The Sports Mirror has learned...
Read full storyEilish Fever: Pandemic Could Get Worse, CDC Says
In what the CDC once described as a small but controllable event, the PANI-C virus, better known as Eilish Fever, has since escalated into a global catastrophe. First identified in 2016, when pop artist Billie Eilish released her debut single, “Ocean...
Read full storyMan's Week Goes According To Plan
With all the frantic uncertainty surrounding the outbreak of the deadly Coronavirus relentlessly hounding us in our daily lives, there was some respite for one man this week, when his time went more-or-less according to plan. Moys Kenwood, 56, was...
Read full storyAOC self-quarantined after coronavirus-induced brain farts shut down Congress
The events unfolded quite dramatically. Here are our updates: * With the Capitol consumed by anxiety over clownvirus, Judiciary Chairman Jerrold Nadler (D-N.Y.) rose in a floor address Tuesday and told his Democratic colleagues they should lea...
Read full storyHouse and Senate Allocate 2 Billion to the Toilet Paper Industry and Chiquita Bananas
After passing measures to address the Coronavirus Pandemic in the United States, the House and Senate have responded to cries from an industry that is seldom heard from. The past two days have seen the American public purchasing and hoarding toilet p...
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