Top 10 Reasons Cats Aren't Mentioned in the Bible
Two things are certain about the bible: animals were harmed during its production, and cats are not mentioned anywhere in it. If you care to, you can find calves and camels, canker worms and cattle, cocks and colts, crickets and crocodiles, but no ca...Read full story
The "Chain Letter" You Always Wanted To See But Never Actually Did
Greetings! Your help is needed! Today, you have the special opportunity to make a real difference in somebody’s life. Please read the following story all the way through, and you will see why. I am an over-caffeinated, hyperactive, alcoholic, s...Read full story
How to Tell If Your College Football Team's Uniforms Are Gay
BRISTOL, Conn.-- Are we hallucinating again, or have college football uniforms become even more gay-looking than before? When your alma mater takes the field, do its team members look like football players, or androgynous superheroes at a comic book...Read full story
How to Tell You're Watching Bad Porn
Jesus once said, "The porn you will always have with you." He was right. In fact, porn is multiplying faster than the loaves and fishes. Last year more than 5.5 billion hours of porn were consumed on Pornhub, the world’s largest porn gallery (Pornhub...Read full story
6 Life Lessons Your Professors Will Never Teach You In College
WARNING: This article lacks thematic unity, and it is not based on research. It contains grammar mistakes, illogical thought patterns, irreversible anger, iconoclastic nihilism, nihilistic iconoclasm, hyperactive thoughts, bad intentions, needless...Read full story
Whistleblower Paul Revere: "The British are coming!"
History tells us that the first American whistleblower was Paul Revere, on horseback, in the middle of the night, carrying a lantern, and warning, “The British are coming.” And thank goodness for whistleblower Paul Revere, otherwise Americans migh...Read full story
The Man's Guide To Surviving A Stent Removal
Did you know that if you have kidney surgery, the doctor will place an internal drainage tube called a stent in your ureter? Did you know that 6 weeks after the surgery, the doctor has to pull the stent out through your penis hole while you’re fully...Read full story
GanjaScope Is President Trump's Favorite Read
We "heard it from a friend who, heard it from a friend who, heard it from a friend" that GanjaScope℠ is President Trump's "favorite read." That's what friend #1 (initials IT) told us. Friend #2 (initials KC) reports that "Donald has someone read [Gan...Read full story
10 Things You'll Never Hear On A College Campus
1. “I've been doing some thinking lately, and I've come to the conclusion that this just isn't the career path I should be on. I've decided to go back home for a while, so that I can have more time to think about what I really want to do with my life...Read full story
Man's Favorite French Word Is 'Oiseaux'
French, as many people will tell you, is a Romance language, and, indeed, when spoken by those from France, has a rather romantic sound to it, but one man who is not from la belle pays has revealed that his favorite word in French is 'oiseaux'. Th...Read full story
Pot Is Dead
If Nietzsche were alive today, he would have to declare, "Pott ist tot." Pot is dead. In Nietzsche's time, as in ours, these sorts of uber deaths occur long before most people notice. Indeed, there are still worshipers who attend church on Sunday, ev...Read full story
Introducing The Pumpkin Patch!
For years, Halloween marketing has catered to kids, young people, parents, that pervy guy at the end of the cul-de-sac who is always oh-so-eager to greet the trick-or-treaters, and tightly wound protestors looking to suck the fun out of any-and-every...Read full story
Democrat Congress Condemns Cease-Fire in Mideast
WASHINGTON DC - Politicians and elitist bureaucrats are still furious at President Trump for not using military equipment to spread death and chaos across the face of the earth. The Military-Industrial-Complex and the CIA have a long history of provo...Read full story
Presenting The Ganjascope℠, Your Horoscope on Pot
You hold in your hands (you're not still using a desk top, are you?) the astrological world's first Ganjascope℠, the horoscope that takes the logical out of astrological, that boldly goes where no other horoscope dares to tread (yes, the Ganjascope℠...Read full story
Exclusive Interview with the Historical Jesus
We hold no brief with invisible friends in the sky—not the nine choirs of angels, the eight maids a-milking, the heavenly hosts a-dancing, or the figments of anybody's fevered imagination. We are, however, fascinated with the Historical Jesus, the ap...Read full story
Don't Feel Up To Carving And Cleaning Your Pumpkins This Halloween? Let Vegan Zombies Do It For You!
Save yourself the mess and the stress of making your families jack-o-lanterns this Halloween; let Vegan Zombies do it for you! Our non-brain eating team of eager un-deads are more than happy to turn their ravenous talents to scooping out the inna...Read full story
Homeless man gains home, loses identity
It’s called institutionalization. An individual’s psychosis after being quarantined, pigeon-holed into a certain lifestyle for an elongated interval. You might recall an infamous scene from Shawshank Redemption. An old man named Brooks receives...Read full story
Old Man yells at Cloud. Cloud responds.
A rising trend within the internet community over the past decade has been the popularization of memes. Some might say they are too popular. I’m not some people. While I agree memes increase the reduction of people’s attention spans, I cannot...Read full story
Hillary Clinton – Dems Determined Not to Be Out-lied in 2020
Criticizing the Democratic National Committee (DNC) in her October 19 podcast with David Plouffe, Hillary Clinton claimed that, while the 2020 DNC should be a little better prepared than in 2016, the Democrats were still going to be “outgunned, outsp...Read full story