Americans arm themselves as Coronavirus panic spreads

Written by Dewani Unhatched

Friday, 13 March 2020

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Sales of automatic weapons and assault rifles have almost trebled overnight in some states, as Americans prepare themselves for an onslaught of disease, famine, and death.

Forecasters have predicted that the virus will 'only get worse' , and is following the same path as in Europe, which devastated parts of the continent.

However, residents of the US are not taking this 'attack' lying down.

"I will defend my family from germs, infection, and viruses, at any cost," screamed Randy Fuller, as he loaded his AR-3 assault weapon with a clip containing 30 rounds. Pointing the weapon skywards, he fired several rounds into the sky. "Get some!" he yelled. "Come get some, asshole!"

Randy isn't the only one arming himself to fight the sickness and defend his kin. Mild-mannered housewife, Jean Shipton, is also preparing to fight back against nature.

"I bought myself a pistol, just a small one, though. I will use it if the disease attempts to enter my property. At the first sign of a sniffle, I will shoot."

A makeshift militia formed in Providence, R.I., claims they will "take no prisoners" and "shoot on sight" if they have to.

Leader of the group, Raymond Gripe, told me, "I hope the virus heeds this warning. As Americans, we have the right to bear arms and defend our property, our families and ourselves - be warned, any nasty bugs headed to Providence better be wearing a bulletproof vest and kevlar."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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