Biscuit game to be banned from House of Commons
For centuries, the British Houses of Parliament have echoed to the fevered fapping noises of pistoning palms. It is a parliamentary procedure little known to the outside world as it is usually conducted under great secrecy, yet its days are now numbe…
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Company with high turn over of staff says that it respects it employees on its website
That company in the high street, you know the one that has a new receptionist every fortnight, and which is always changing the names on the door has written on a job's website that it respects its employees. The receptionist before the one before…
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Why am I writing so much gibberish?
Abigail Dale, the Daily Mail's newest intern is asking a question that no one can answer. Why is she writing so much gibberish? 'I thought this was going to be my big break' wailed Dale 'but so far I have had to write 200 words about Liz Hurley's…
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Possessed local man refused to answer door to Mormon exorcist
A 54-year-old Whitechapel man whose soul had been laid waste by demonic possession has told a local newspaper that he refused to answer the door to a member of the Mormon church who arrived to drive out the unclean spirit last Tuesday evening. Tob…
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Prince William Goes To School to Learn Wot’s Wot
Prince William has undergone a short re-education class in World History. To his delight, he has discovered that World Wars One and Two happened in Europe, not in either Africa or Asia, and that some of his family members were directly involved i…
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A New Boris, An Old Boris, A Blue Boris
Dateline in Time: 1985 - Boris Becker became a golden boy in tennis at 17-years-old, kissing the Wimbledon trophy, becoming a superstar overnight, and amassing immense riches over the years. Now he’s in trouble for not giving money to the right pe…
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Local woman to remain seated for rest of life
Johnson denies No 10 broke law despite police fines
Your Favourite Teacher Doesn't remember you
Russian hookers disguise their nationality to boost trade
Local man embarked on killing spree following 'comfortable trousers' letdown
Local Facebooker takes long hard look at himself
The most futuristic King Kong movie
The Extremely Sexy and Erotic Elizabeth Hurley Sells A Nude Selfie of Herself For £172,319 ($225,000 US)
Man Loses his Favourite Pen
Theatre Reviewer still using Pretentious Words
That Man Everyone Avoids in the Pub is Your MP
Nosy Neighbour Thinks he is James Stewart
Britain To Change The Colors of Its Flag
LONDON - (Satire News) Prime Minister Boris Johnson has just informed the people of Great Britain that parliament has voted to change the colors of the English flag. The red, white, and blue color scheme was first implemented back on Wednesday, Se…
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Prince Harry claims Queen is being held prisoner in Buckingham Palace and she begged him to rescue her, take her to California and rule Great Britain from his mansion in Monteceto
In a candid interview given to the National Enquirer newspaper, Prince Harry revealed that Queen Elizabeth the Second is being held prisoner in Buckingham Palace by her son Prince Charles and her grandson Prince William, and she begged him to help he…
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Johnson's daily apologies growing tiresome
This morning, Prime Minister Boris Johnson made his daily apology to the country for the twentieth day in a row. "I'm really sorry," he said. "Honestly, I really am this time. I promise it won't happen again, at least for another twenty four hours."…
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Conservatives Announce A Kill all Kittens Policy
Having said some nonsense about some things, the Conservative Party will shortly be announcing a kill all Kittens policy. ‘It has come to our attention' said Conservative Bod Evil O’Shay ‘that people like Kittens, so like all of the nice things in…
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Best Crockery Still Gathering Dust
Your best crockery set, you know the one your Mum gave to you fifteen years ago, when your parents moved. The one with the bad flowers and writing on it. You know the one. The one in the garage, underneath your forgotten Haircut 100 albums, Yes, that…
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I took nude photos of several nude photos, claims local man
A 54-year-old man from Whitechapel in East London has told a local newspaper that he recently took a number of saucy nude photographs of some nude photographs while in the nude himself. Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer, told The East London Ga…
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Woman takes all of May off as a Bank Holiday
A woman has decided to give up work for the whole of May and sit on her arse drinking Lambritzi and pink gin, we can reveal. Kylie Slackbucket, 31, of Spodbury, decided to take action because, 'Well, it's all just one long Bank Holiday when you th…
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Uber drivers must be able to speak English before getting lost or crashing into other vehicles, says TFL
Transport for London were under fire from the app-based private hire company, Uber, last night after they ruled that all drivers employed by the company must undergo strict testing to make sure that they meet new guidelines designed to ensure that al…
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Rishi Sunak doesn't know what taxes are
Chancellor Rishi Sunak has revealed that despite managing the finances of the UK, he doesn't actually know what taxes are. When asked by a journalist at a press conference, he said, "Is that what you call it? The money that all those people give to t…
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Furries to be barred from the UK Olympic team
The UK government have ordered that no "furries" will be allowed to compete in the Olympic team, or in any athletic events at national level. The move follows a controversial event where Eck Wine, 52, came fifth in the Chaffinch St Cock marathon whil…
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Man with Microphone still being ignored
Although he has a Microphone, highly religious bloke Gavin Williamson (no, not that one) is still being ignored in the high street on Saturday mornings. 'Yes' said Gavin 'I give up my Saturday mornings to tell complete strangers to stop doing what…
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What do middle aged School friends talk about in the pub?
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Primark Bouncer Wonders where it all went wrong
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Man wants Laptop like they have in the films
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Tonic is the cool one
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Triple Cooked Chips are so yesterday
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I’ve been a sub-dom non-tax paying UK citizen for thirty years, says Jacob Rees-Mogg
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Boris Johnson Can't Resign
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Newcastle viewers think Wim Hof is a wuss
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Short of Food? Farage for it!
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Next on the Cancel Culture Chopping Block: Harry
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Ill advised April Fool's Day joke falls flat
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Busker still not singing any songs you know
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Drunk Man talking to Stop Sign
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Man wants comedy date like they have in the films
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Cuddles the Monkey
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Hair Today Gone Tomorrow
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Toddler Can't Decide on Favourite Penguin
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Neil Got Peeled While Keepin’ It Real
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Bachelor with special interest in Tractors is now worrying
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Massey I'd like to Fergusson
