A top consumer analyst has said that the reason behind the perceived madness of panic-buying toilet rolls, is that the Coronavirus and its implications have got people shitting themselves.
More than they usually shit, that is.
Moys Kenwood, 56, believes that the deadly virus, which has spread to all areas of the globe, and is threatening to wipe out vast swathes of humanity as it goes, is the most frightening thing that most people can conceive of, and they are, quite literally, struggling to control their bowels.
Australians were the first to suffer, but the frenzied bogroll-buying soon spread quicker than the virus itself, and is now just as widespread as Covid-19.
"It's worrying, yes, having a virus running around laying folks flat, but is stockpiling arse-wipe the answer? I think not."