Home of Middle-Class Family is Inexplicably Cold

Written by HerbRussell

Tuesday, 24 March 2020

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Middle-class families are living in primitive, near-hypothermic conditions all year round, it has emerged.

In a Spoof exclusive, we investigate the stark and tragic world of middle-class families willfully living in homes which would be deemed too chilly for a colony of penguins.

It is estimated that 70% of middle-class homes are excessively cold. Despite millions of pounds worth of investment, the reasons behind this phenomenon remain a mystery. Jazmine Burman, Head of Pointless Studies at the University of Bogstown, said: “Many of these families spend inexplicable amounts of money on camping equipment and a disgusting bread alternative called smelt bread.” She continued: “We cannot understand why, therefore, they refuse to spend money on keeping their children warm.”

The Spoof's journalists have been wanting to make contact with one of these families for months. Finally, in March 2020, we received a tip-off from Terry, a technician for a popular broadband company. He said: “When I arrived to install a new router, everything seemed normal enough from the outside. Yeah, there were too many plants in the front garden, and there was an angrily-written, hand-scrawled note in the window about ‘Tory social Darwinism under the guise of coronavirus’, but, otherwise, nothing seemed amiss.

Terry continued: “But when I stepped inside, I was affronted with a scene straight from Trainspotting. The floorboards were bare, and in the corner was a miserable little TV playing BBC Four to absolutely no one. Most shocking was the temperature. Everything was covered in a layer of frost, and, in one room, I found a small shivering child pathetically nibbling on a rice cake.”

We spoke with the homeowner, Imogen Furstwip. Explaining why her home’s climate resembles that of a medieval Russian yurt, she said: “It comes down to social consciousness. Keeping the heating turned off is good for the environment, and losing the feeling in your toes teaches the kids humility. Also, a side-effect of my red wine-induced alcoholism is crippling hot flashes, so it helps that, too.”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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