The Return of Spoof Writer Abel Rodriguez

Written by Abel Rodriguez

Thursday, 12 March 2020

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I gave my old computer to Penguinville Mayor W.K. Nanook, Jr., and I purchased a new one at Best Buy.

I started writing for Mark Lowton's Spoof back in 2004. I left the Spoof in 2014. And for the past six years I have been living up in Penguinville, Alaska.

This little quaint Eskimo fishing village is just a stone's throw from the North Pole. I went up there with the Writers Without Borders Organization. I arrived by dog sled.

I was greeted by a very pretty divorced Eskimo lady who was on the village’s Greeting Committee, and, within 10 minutes, I quickly learned why Eskimos kiss on their noses and not on their lips.

It took three Emergency Medical Technicians and two gallons of hot water about 7 minutes to finally separate our lips. After that, I made sure that I never again kissed a woman on the lips.

It took some getting used to, but nose kissing can actually be quite exciting; once you pick up a few tips here and there.

Being a sports enthusiast, [i.e. baseball, football, and basketball] I was kind of up the creek without a paddle in that regard. I mean snowman-making does get very boring after about the 45th snowman.

And I definitely did not get or understand the premise of putting snowballs in one’s underwear. But some loved it, especially the teenagers.

Regarding the food. I have to say that the choices were quite limited. I mean, really! How many different ways can you cook sardines, and still make them taste enjoyable?

I did get kind of used to eating some of the more popular local dishes such as Penguin Pizza, Polar Bear Burgers, and Walrus Tacos.

And I do have to say that I really enjoyed teaching the villagers all about writing. They especially took to my weekly alliteration class.

One 49-year-old retired ice sculptress wrote, “My seal sled team slips and slides over the snow-laden slopes and slushingly slushes from side to side as they slovenly saunter like silly salmon in a sea of salty seawater.”

Another less enthusiastic youngster of 13, simply wrote. “Snow Sucks.”

I decided to leave Alaska and return to the Lower 48 because I began to miss the addictive routine of writing about the daily happenings in our wonderful world. Plus I did miss eating at my favorite hamburger restaurant...The Whataburger.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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