In what the CDC once described as a small but controllable event, the PANI-C virus, better known as Eilish Fever, has since escalated into a global catastrophe. First identified in 2016, when pop artist Billie Eilish released her debut single, “Ocean Eyes”, the CDC considered the viral influence to be insignificant in its early stages. Soon, however, it was discovered that experts had drastically underestimated the highly-infectious nature of the virus, as it began its rapid spread throughout the United States and beyond. Rebecca Baker, a spokesperson for the CDC, made the following statement addressing the initial outbreak, and the organization’s strategy:
As it stands, the virus appears to disproportionately infect younger individuals, especially those between the ages of 8 and 25. However, cases have also been identified in persons as old as 40, generally suffering from underlying health conditions such as a midlife crisis, or just a horrific taste in music. Symptoms tend to range from an aggressive appetite for hard seltzer, specifically White Claw, to uncontrollable urges for social media attention; with those who identify themselves as “90s kids” primarily hit the hardest. For Rebecca Baker, the disease has struck too close to home, with her oldest daughter, Bridget, 17, falling victim to the ghastly disease:
Though, while she applauds her eldest for her precaution to self-quarantine, she wishes her daughter would simply unlock the damn door:
When reached for a statement regarding her condition via the popular social media app, Tik Tok, Baker’s daughter had this to say:
The response was sobering, as it was clear that the poor child had no understanding that she was suffering from a terrible disease. When shown the correspondence, Bridget’s mother was inconsolable and unable to give a statement.
In the years following the initial outbreak, the CDC finally announced that the PANI-C virus had officially become a global pandemic. In response to the report, President Donald Trump held a press conference, where he informed the nation that Vice President Mike Pence would be put in charge of leading the task force to combat the disease. The appointment was criticized as irresponsible by many, with skeptics pointing to the Vice President’s own track record of having shitty taste in music, including Christian Contemporary - which, if we’re being honest, really sucks balls.
Regardless of the push back, Pence and his task force set forth to get in front of the spread. Working in tandem with the WHO and CDC, experts were finally able to determine that the virus was, astonishingly, extraterrestrial in origin. The discovery proved difficult for the public to grasp until the WHO released their findings, proving that if played backwards, the Eilish smash hit “Bad Guy”, reveals the true nature of the virus:
In the wake of the findings, the United States government acted fast and detained the clever Magnok singer in an effort to better understand the threat posed to our planet. It was revealed through a series of interviews, which many argued were inhumane and questionable in nature, that the Magnoks had discovered our race in the late 1970s, and that they had been gradually enslaving Earth through shitty music for over 40 years. Eilish reportedly even expressed surprise that it, “took so long for you retards to figure it out.”
On the heels of the groundbreaking discovery, President Trump announced that he would, for the first time, assemble the widely infamous Space Force to do battle with our newly-found intergalactic foe on the final frontier. The highly-elite team, comprised of the cast from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, and led by Bill Paxton’s corpse, are set to begin their Herculean venture to the stars in a matter of days. Although, due to insufficient capacity inside the craft, Mr. Paxton’s lifeless body will be strapped to the top of the vessel using an intricate series of bungee cords, then subsequently shot into space.
While President Trump’s decision to take the battle to the Magnoks has inspired hope in many, the fact still remains that Eilish Fever continues to ravage our planet. As such, the CDC and WHO have strongly urged those not infected to move to their nearest designated “safe zone”, such as a local library, senior living community, or the house of anyone who is kind of a douche about music. In time, humankind can only wait and pray that Bill Paxton’s cold cadaver can lead Space Force to victory, and thus, save us all from intergalactic enslavement at the hands of Billie Eilish and the Magnoks.
Goodnight, good luck, and as always, may God bless the United States of America.