French tourist guilty on 549 charges of rape and sexual assault

Written by Dewani Unhatched

Sunday, 8 March 2020

image for French tourist guilty on 549 charges of rape and sexual assault
Rapist.

A French skunk has been found guilty on five hundred and forty-nine of six hundred possible counts: criminal sexual act in the first degree and rape in the third degree. He was found not guilty, though, of the most serious charges, of bestiality (two counts) and rape in the first degree. The jury, made up of seven men and five women, delivered the verdict on Friday nearly a week after beginning deliberations.

Pepe Le Pew was handcuffed and taken straight to jail where he'll remain until sentencing on March 11. A spokesperson for the defense said they are working to get Pepe bail, despite him being a flight risk

"While he was not convicted on the most serious charges, we are disappointed in the verdict and will be filing an appeal. There are issues in this trial that were extremely troubling, and they prejudiced Mr.Le Pew's ability to have his case fairly judged," the defense team told this reporter. "These will be addressed to a higher court. The cats who made these allegations were merely seeking financial gain, and in any case, they should be held accountable also. I mean, how many times do they rub up against a freshly painted white fence? Our client may have been amorous but in no way is he a rapist. The fact that numerous witnesses claim to have seen him molesting and bothering cats on television is neither here nor there."

The allegations against Le Pew initiated the popular #metoo and #dirtyfrenchtwat movements.

"Jurors came in knowing everything that they could know about this case, we couldn't find a juror that never heard of Pepe Le Pew," said his lawyer "We'll absolutely be appealing, the fight is not over."

"Pepe is unbelievably strong, he took it like a skunk and he knows that we will continue to fight for him and we know that this is not over. Yes, he smells, but that isn't a crime. For Christ's sake...he is French, they all smell." she stated.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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