Manchester United: Harry Maguire Reveals His First Job Was Making Sausages

Written by Monkey Woods

Thursday, 5 March 2020

image for Manchester United: Harry Maguire Reveals His First Job Was Making Sausages
Sausages, looking like they are smiling, or perhaps even smirking

We all have secrets in our past that we may be either ashamed or embarrassed about, but Manchester United and England central defender, Harry Maguire, has no such concerns about his past, and yesterday revealed that, after leaving school, he had a part-time job working in a sausage factory.

Maguire, 26, grew up in Sheffield, South Yorkshire, where the humble sausage is eaten at every meal, the locals believing it to possess mythical powers, and mothers give their newborn babies a sausage to chew on, instead of sucking on a dummy.

Interviewed by Olive Danton of the East London Gazette, Maguire said:

"I used to work in a sausage factory, feverishly cranking the handle of a sausage machine. I'd just sit there cranking, cranking, cranking the handle of that sausage machine, again and again and again, cranking out sausages."

He went on, in monotone:

"Some people would think it monotonous, but I like monotony. In fact, the more monotonous the monotony, the better."

Olive asked Harry:

"Quite, what did you get out of churning them out like that, you poor sod?"

Harry regarded his interviewess carefully, and replied:

"Sausages. And more sausages."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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