Manchester United Captain Harry Maguire Self-Isolating In His Gas Cupboard

Written by Monkey Woods

Tuesday, 17 March 2020

image for Manchester United Captain Harry Maguire Self-Isolating In His Gas Cupboard
Note the dust pan and brush, should the need arise

The Coronavirus has completed its first phase of infecting enough people to get humanity's attention, and is now in its second stage: sowing the seeds of fear into the population, and making them think the 'end of the world is nigh'.

And so it was in Manchester last night, after reports reached TheSpoof.com that Manchester United captain, Harry Maguire, had decided to self-isolate in the gas cupboard under the stairs at his house.

Maguire's girlfriend, Fern Hawkins, told a friend on the phone, that, as she was sitting watching 'Coronation Street', she noticed Harry going in and out of the living room, and stowing various objects in the gas cupboard.

Some comics, a torch, spare batteries, a water bottle, a loaf of bread, a jar of peanut butter, his mobile phone, and a kaleidoscope all went into the tiny space where the gas meter is kept.

He also took a bottle of Buttercup Syrup cough medicine, in case he had already been in contact with the evil virus, and starts to develop a tickly cough.

Harry was clearly self-isolating.

Fern said she had agreed to leave Harry's meals on a tray outside the gas cupboard door, and to ring a little bell to alert the United skipper that his tea was ready.

Maguire's response was inaudible, as he was wearing a face mask.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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