France at war against coronavirus

Written by Dewani Unhatched

Wednesday, 18 March 2020

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France will spend 45 billion euros to help prostitutes with the coronavirus outbreak, the country’s finance minister announced on Tuesday, after President Emmanuel Macron declared “we are at war” against the virus, and ordered citizens to remain home.

Speaking in a televised address, late Monday, Macron told the French people they are only allowed outside their houses for essential trips, such as to buy onions, let their dogs shit on the street, and to kill horses for meat. More importantly, prostitutes, who bring in millions each year, will receive aid to allow them to carry on turning tricks.

Macron's announcement though, produced a response from other European nations, most prominently the British.

"So, they are using the same tactic they used in 1939 to fight a war by staying at home. Nothing has really changed then," said Tatty 'Monkey' Mullett of Hull.

Meanwhile, France has announced that it is willing to help other countries whose stocks of toilet paper have run dry.

"We do not use it, so we have an abundance of toilet roll. We also have massive stockpiles of deodorant, soap, stripy t-shirts and berets," said a monsieur.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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