AOC self-quarantined after coronavirus-induced brain farts shut down Congress

Written by Moral Volcano

Monday, 16 March 2020

image for AOC self-quarantined after coronavirus-induced brain farts shut down Congress

The events unfolded quite dramatically. Here are our updates:


  • With the Capitol consumed by anxiety over clownvirus, Judiciary Chairman Jerrold Nadler (D-N.Y.) rose in a floor address Tuesday and told his Democratic colleagues they should leave Washington and return home to their districts, where they would be safer.
  • Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) immediately quashed the idea, according to multiple sources in the room.
  • Just then, AOC, the leader of 'The Squad', entered the floor and commenced a speech, "I realized that many of my colleagues have never even read the resolution that they’re speaking on, as we always do. They haven’t opened a single word of it. And it’s actually only about — I have it right in front of me — just 14 pages long. So I have decided that, since my colleagues could not for some reason read the resolution, that perhaps this hour would be best spent reading it to them.”
  • AOC began by attacking the Trump administration for starting a nationwide panic. "As America hunkers down against the clownvirus, and of all of the products that are being snatched up the fastest, there’s one that’s in special demand: toilet paper. Are we going to crap our way out of this pandemic?"
  • Speaker Pelosi interjected to say that the Capitol has just run out of toilet paper as well.
  • AOC continued: "Unfortunately, we are still in cold and flu season, which can go on until as late as May, and it is less easy to differentiate between clownvirus and other illnesses such as cold, influenza, pneumonia and allergy illnesses, all of which are transmitted through person-to-person contact. Testing is the only way to really find out if one has clownvirus. The CDC has a testing kit that it has developed and approved. While it is scaling up production, there are no other FDA-cleared or commercially available diagnostics for the clownvirus. How are doctors going to determine if someone has the influenza or the clownvirus? The CDC estimates that, so far this season, there have been at least 22,000 deaths, 36 million flu illnesses, 370,000 hospitalizations."
  • AOC then wondered what would happen if President Trump canceled the election by counting influenza deaths as clownvirus casualties. "We have not shut down for the economy for influenza, then why are we shutting down for clownvirus?"
  • Ms. Pelosi paused proceedings to allow paramedics to take away those who had fainted. Speaker Pelosi said she was feeling sick, and ordered all Congressmen, including AOC, to leave Washington DC. Ms. Cortes refused to leave and continued.
  • Ms. Cortes asked why suspected clownvirus patients were quarantined in enclosed spaces such as hospitals, hotels and even ships, allowing the air to be saturated with the virus, exposing medical workers to grave danger. "Clownvirus patients should be interned on isolated flat grounds in tent hospitals with limited paneling. Plentiful supply of fresh air will deny the virus, expelled into the air by patients, a surface they can thrive on. Instead of that, clownvirus victims are now contaminating other patients, medical workers and air-conditioned hospital facilities. All pandemics cannot be handled with the same medieval method of quarantining."
  • Speaker Pelosi interrupted again to list the names of five congressmen who have self-quarantined themselves, including Trump's future chief-of-staff, and a lawmaker who shook President Trump's hand at CPAC.
  • "We can close our borders, ban huge gatherings and use precautionary measures. But, to shut down the economy... that is national suicide. Our generation was told that the apocalypse could come because of acid rain or Climate Change. But, it seems like our failure to thrive as a species was because we were afraid of catching a bug. This is ridiculous."
  • Ms. Pelosi then said, "The nation will find a way to lift itself by the bootstraps when the time comes, but can we go now.
  • Ms. Cortes remained skeptical. “It’s a physical impossibility to lift yourself up by a bootstrap, by your shoelaces? It’s physically impossible. The whole thing is a joke."
  • Next, some Bernie Bros invaded the podium, and shouted slogans claiming that the senator was again being denied a fair chance in favor of an establishment candidate. Ms. Pelosi asked the broadcast feed to be cut and fell over her desk.
  • Before the feed was cut, a Bitcoin supporter joined the Bernie Bros. and shouted that the pandemic will end before gold hits $2000.
  • Ms. Pelosi was then wheeled out of the floor on a stretcher. After witnessing Ms. Pelosi's collapse, Ms. Cortes announced that she will be self-quarantining herself.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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