An Elderly Couple In Colorado Ignores The Shelter-in-Place Directive and Sneaks Out Dressed as Douglas Firs
STEAMBOAT SPRINGS, Colorado - Many of the states have imposed a self-isolation policy as well as a shelter-in-place policy. And for the most part the vast majority of the people are adhering to these national and state directives except for a stub...
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Purdue Pharma Recommends Oxycontin for Treating Coronavirus Self-Quarantine Symptoms
While there is currently no known cure for COVID-19 itself, Purdue Pharma, the maker of the opioid drug Oxycontin, issued a statement recommending Oxycontin for off-label use in treating the symptoms of coronavirus self-quarantine – which may include...
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New York Man Realizes He Has No Potential
“I always felt bad about myself for not realizing my full potential,” said Calvin Doyle of Brooklyn, New York. “But then I realized that I probably had – there just wasn’t much to realize. Hardly anything, in fact.” According to Doyle, the realiza...
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Justin Trudeau Resigns Amidst Coronavirus Pandemic
Canadian Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau, sent shock waves through Canada during his daily press briefing on Wednesday morning, after announcing that he would be stepping down as the Prime Minister of Canada. The forty-eight-year-old leader said in...
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Central American Immigrants Have Stopped Coming To the USA Because They Fear They’ll Catch the C-19 Flu Virus
LAREDO, Texas – The Laredo sector of the Border Patrol has stated that the apprehension of illegal immigrants has dropped by 98%. BP spokesperson, Benardo Poggenpohl, said that in his conversation with one of the Guatemalan detainees, he was told,...
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The C-19 Scare Is Causing People in North Dakota to Stock Up on Marshmallows
PETTIBONE, North Dakota – In the winter time, the temperatures in Pettibone can get down to 37 degrees below zero. And, when that happens, many North Dakotans have seen woodpeckers whose peckers simply fall off. Luckily, they do start to grow...
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Coronavirus Pandemic May Be Cut Short Due to Americans’ Short Attention Span
Fox News Considering Firing Judge Jeanine Pirro
Buddhist Hopes to Someday Find Peace in Present Moment
A Man in New Mexico is Making Medical Masks Out of Pantiliners and Scotch Tape
Nashville Man Devastated when Girlfriend Tells Him She Wants to Start Social Distancing
Trump Mulls Quarantines But Ignored Subpoenas
The KKK to Suspend Their Weekly Cross Burnings Because of C-19
President Trump Has Noticed A Similarity Between The Words 'Panic' And 'Pandemic'
Amazon’s Alexa is Now Openly Chatting With People Who are in Self-Isolation
Alabama Town Fights PAN-demic
California Will Soon Start Arresting Joggers
Coronavirus Continues to Mutate in People’s Minds
The White House Says The Annual White House Easter Egg Roll Will Go on As Scheduled
WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald J Trump has informed Vice-President Pence that even though the majority of the American people have called him crazy, he has decided to go ahead and hold the annual White House Easter Egg Hunt. According to eye...
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President Trump Has Orgy With Demi Lovato, Nicki Minaj, Kellyanne Conway And Meghan Markle
WASHINGTON, DC - White House officials are, this morning, denying rumours of a spectacular orgy in which Trump participated. That's President Donald Trump, you understand. Some writers don't explain that; they just say 'Trump', inferring some k...
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Joe Biden Reminisces Back ToThe Day When He Won Super Bowl III
Sitting in his campaign office headquarters in Washington DC, presidential candidate, Joe Biden, started reminiscing about his past heroics, which included the time in 1879, when he single-handedly developed a vaccine for yellow fever. Then, in 1955...
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Melania Trump Anagram Competition Announced
There was great excitement across the whole of America last night, and the Fox News switchboard was jammed, as hordes of callers started to phone the station with their 'Melania Trump Anagram Competition' submissions, and there were some interesting...
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A Woman Becomes Pregnant While Waiting in Line at an Arkansas Walmart
HOT SPRINGS, Arkansas – A Walmart security guard with 17 years experience, said he saw a very unusual thing while on night duty at a local Walmart. Security guard, Fabian Gribble, told the local authorities that a woman, who said her name was Bets...
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Nashville Man Consoles Himself that He Probably Wouldn't Have Made 2020 Summer Olympics Anyway
After learning that the 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo had been postponed until July of 2021, Wayne Markham of Nashville, Tennessee, consoled himself that he probably wouldn't have made the Olympics this year, anyway. "I hadn't gotten into the real...
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A Louisiana Sky Writer is Making a Killing Sky Writing “Stay Inside, Don’t Risk Getting Shot!”
LAFAYETTE, Louisiana – Up until a few days ago, lifelong Louisiana resident, Jean Boniface Baptiste, was an unemployed shrimp salesman. But today, he is literally making a killing working as a sky writer. Baptiste says that he borrowed his ex-...
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Carl Spackler Seeks Sanctuary With Dalai Lama
BILLINGSGATE POST: With Bushwood Country Club closed to play because of the Coronavirus epidemic, course superintendent, Carl Spackler, decided to seek refuge in Tibet with his old pal and mentor, the Dalai Lama. He writes to Dr. Billingsgate:...
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Absence of Sexual Assault Allegations Against Sanders Causes Some to Question Viability of His Candidacy
After presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump was recorded describing his preferred means of sexually harassing women, and Democratic front-runner Joe Biden was alleged to have sexually assaulted former staffer Tara Reade, the lack of any sexual...
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A Costa Rican ‘Tourist’ Caught Trying to Smuggle 70 Rolls of Charmin Toilet Paper Into the USA
CALEXICO, California - Border Patrol agents in the border town of Calexico have apprehended a person they described as being an illegal tourist. Agents Dusty Voight and Chauncey Ortega said that they were patrolling the border wall between Calexic...
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Vice-President Pence Wants To See Gov. Andrew Cuomo’s Birth Certificate
WASHINGTON, D.C. – A White House insider has informed American Spotlight Magazine that Vice-President Mike Pence is furious that New York Governor, Andrew Cuomo, has just surpassed the president in popularity. A recent poll, taken by ASM, clearly...
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Gas Stations in Colorado Will Start Giving out Recreational Marijuana with Every Fill Up
ASPEN, Colorado – The state’s thousands of gas stations are joining into a business venture that they say is going to revolutionize the gas station industry. Grover Buxonheimer, spokesperson for the Colorado Gasoline Guild, has informed the public...
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The United States Navy Responds to the Rumor That Cruise Ships are Being Diverted to the Bermuda Triangle
ARLINGTON, Virginia - Reports from several of the nation’s leading newspapers, say that the world’s cruise lines are expressing great concern over the recent rumors coming out of the Swampland (aka D.C.) A representative for The Wonder Cruise Lin...
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Chicken Crosses Road: Questioned For Crow-Ona Virus Violation
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Melania Trump, Director of the Nation’s “Be Best” Movement, Honors a Great Old Woman
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The Latest Las Vegas Odds on Trump Getting Re-Elected
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Prince Harry, Meghan Markle, and Archie Are Leaving Vancouver, Canada for Good
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Many of Trump's Evangelicals Now Believe He Actually Tested Positive For COVFEFE-45
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Trump Wants The Media To Stop Showing That TV Ad That Clearly Proves That He Lies All of the Time
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Family Game Of Monopoly Ends In Murder Suicide
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Uber Passenger Upset By Drivers Review
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A Powerful Earthquake Hits Idaho – Reports Say That There Are Tons and Tons of Mashed Potatoes All Over The Place
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Study Shows Most Americans Prefer Indefinite Isolation to Giving Up Bacon
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Trump Might Move To Mar-a-Lago
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Many Democrats Are Now Wanting Gov. Andrew Cuomo to Throw His Hat Into the Presidential Ring
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Nancy Pelosi Has Been Overheard Saying “I Am Honored To Be Your New President”
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Taylor Swift is Being Urged to Run Against Sen. Marsha “The Wicked Witch of The South” Blackburn
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Residents of A Senior Citizens Home in Nebraska Are Passing the Time by Playing Twister
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Kardashians Lose Keys To City Of Miami, Causing Chaos
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Africans Glad They Don't Live In America
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Florida Man Working From Home Clock Watches Wishing For End Of Working Day
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Trump Declares War on Coronavirus? No, On Venezuela!
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A Brooklyn Liquor Store Had a Line Outside With People Waiting To Rob It
