Showing the very latest breaking spoof news snippets. You can use the calendar on the right to browse through the most recent breaking news snippets.
Man with a new dimension on life
A plumber from Ohio has laid claim to be the first person to experience the fourth dimension. "It's cool and, hey, I saw Elvis," said the excited man. Some believe him, many don't.
Sydney has a problem
The people of Sydney, Ontario in Canada are fed up to the back teeth with tourists confusing their town with Sydney, Australia. "People keep asking me where's the Opera House? Crazy!!" cried one local.
Starr is a star
Ex-Beatle, Ringo Starr, has been appointed an ambassador for Islamic State, as well as other known terrorist groups. Said Starr: "These guys are crazy about me. I love it!" The FBI will question him.
Ringo charged with vagrancy
Ex-Beatle drummer, Ringo Starr, has been charged with one count of vagrancy following his arrest while begging for music ideas on a Los Angeles freeway. Starr offered no plea, and will spend time in the slammer.
Joe and his socialist dream
Unofficially endorsed US Presidency candidate, Joe Biden, wants to buy up all the country's fruit production, worth billions every year. Next stop, car manufacture. Joe, what the hell is going on?
written by whatinthe world, 22 May 2020
Now listen here everybody.
British Chancellor of the Exchequer, Nigel Nobody, has announced he has nothing important to announce for the time being, and will let everybody know when that changes, if ever it does.
written by whatinthe world, 22 May 2020
This Year’s Presidential Election Will Be Determined By How Many Likes Each Candidate Receives On Their Tweets
This gives Trump a huge advantage over Biden, seeing how little Biden tweets.
written by mikewadestr, 21 May 2020
North Korea's Kim on a nautical trip
North Korean president, Kim Jong-un, has thanked the US Navy for saving him, after he tried to swim to Japan in order to confuse western intelligence agencies. He now wants to be an Olympic swimmer.
China's final solution
The governing body of the People's Republic of China has decided that, if they can't kill most of humanity with the virus, then they will eliminate the rest with a nuclear bomb. Simple!
Kim comes out of seclusion
North Korean President, Kim Jong-un, has reappeared after a mysterious absence, to say he had been kidnapped by a coven of squirrels intent on regime change in Pyong Yang.
The Queen is stroppy
Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth has made a speech directed at all the people living rough in the UK. In it, she tells them to get off their backsides and work for a living. Her Maj can't stand incivility.
Fourth of July Lemmings Day
The Fourth of July will not be celebrated this year. It will pass as just another day where three thousand people die. So let's all be lemmings and do what good lemmings do.
Cure for Covid 19 announced
A Bakersfield man claims he has found a cure for Covid-19. "It's called death, and it works," he said, grinning from ear to ear. He refused to add any further explanation lest he disappoint his fans.
Trump surprises again
President Donald J Trump has appointed the missing pilot of Malay flight MH370 to head up a medical team to find a vaccine for the Covid-19 virus. Why? "I like him. He's my kind of guy," said Trump.
Wife not a life says desperate female
The wife of a leading physician has said that being a wife is bad for your health. "Try being an elephant or a donkey. It's much healthier," she declared, as a team of white-coated psychiatrists neared.
Moth a real headache for Trump
United States of America President, Donald J. Trump, has been taken into custody for running over a rare Mexican moth which has been voted moth of the month here in Mexico.
Having a whale of a time
A large humpback whale has just washed up on the beach near Malibu CA.
Officials deny that it was just the President of the United States, Donald J.Trump
The big Apple to improve its smell.
The mayor of New York City wants to form an army of dedicated flatulants to fill the air with foul smell to scare off the virus. The IRS want their ideas back.
Russia has a problem.
The chief health inspector of Russia has declared that democracy is sick for as long as President Putin remains in office.
So Putin has sent him to Siberia for a permanent holiday.
Where Is Prince Harry?
Is Prince Harry turning into Norman Maine of A Star Is Born?
written by K.C. Bell, 05 May 2020
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis Botches COVID-19 Response
By banning Corona beer in order to flatten pandemic curve.
written by C/L, 05 May 2020
I Inherited Lord Boothby's Recipe Books, Claims Anatolian Goat-Skinner
The Two David Livingstones have hit a snag with the new bungalow in Boxgrove. "The life-size waxwork of Daniel Lambert won't fit through the front door", said David Livingstone, yesterday.
How To Nurture Your Inner Thomsons Gazelle
The papier mache bust of Hereward The Wake crisis has reached new levels at Dorchester pub The Running Sore. "Now we've found more damned busts wedged up the chimneys," said landlord Colin Drab, yesterday.
Ted Heath's Toby Jug Collection Stolen
Pontefract hot water bottle designer, Colin Artefact, has abandoned his attempt to recreate the ebony hot water bottles of the early Hittite queens (or Tawananna). "You can't get the wood," he said.
Robbie WIlliams To Rent Gobi Desert As Ego Storage
Dorking bachelor, Dick Palmer, has fallen out with his imaginary wife. "She's gone to stay at her mum's," he said, yesterday. "I'm back to wanking over thoughts of a naked Joan Bakewell stroking an okapi.
Owls Nesting in Jacob Rees-Mogg
"Coldplay are awful," claims Prince Ferdinand Georg August of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha, "and that Chris Martin is a tedious prick. I can see it, and I've been dead since 1851. What's wrong with these people?"
I Sent My Turds To Art Garfunkle's Gardener, Claims Roy Cropper Actor
Billericay eel-strangler, Gladys Stencil, is no fan of the Octopus. "Slippery bastards! I had a go at one once," she reminisced, yesterday. "Next thing yer know, I had me 'ands on a bleedin' coral branch!
Bishop Swallows Theodolite
A stone age cave drawing of Victor Borge and Violet Carson playing leapfrog with Lulu on Saltcoats Pier while Arthur Askey breaks up a Hittite Chariot for kindling, has been spoiled by chalk graffiti.
Kissinger Confesses: My Threesome With Topol And Jimmy Hill
Little Richard had a flock of imaginary passenger pigeons in his spare bedroom at the flat in Doncaster. He said he was "saving them from extinction in his mind, if not the so-called real world."
Scarborough Bans Gordon Ramsay
"I wrote Dostoyevsky's The Idiot", claims Devon watering-can repairer, Adelbert Lossiemouth. "I had the plot and characters all ready to go, but Dostoyevsky got published before I got it written down."
Winston Churchill's Nude Capybara Nightmare
"It's important to stay positive during the lockdown," says veteran entertainer, Rolf Harris. "I keep cheerful by watching old videos of Jim'll Fix It and It's a Knockout, and listening to Dave Lee Travis.
Sue Barker's Garden Gnome Hell
Devon farmer John Barleycorne, the first man to have cement ears fitted, is a fan of offensive comedian Roy "Chubby" Brown and the sacred polyphony of William Byrd.
Michigan Governor Christine Whitmer Commissions Her State Portrait
Whitmer called upon State Crayonist Pedrono Fascisisco to memorialize her as Lucretia Borgia, ordering the execution of all Michiganders who have defied her fits to stay the f*ck away from her palace.
written by Trinculoman, 02 May 2020
Sales of Depends Increase Exponentially To Ex-FBI & DOJ Users
Comey, McCabe, Strok, L Page, and A Weismann daily fill multiple Depends incontinence briefs.They're constantly in full flow, as US Atty Durham zeroes-in on their abuse-of-power crime on General Flynn.
written by Trinculoman, 02 May 2020
Whereabouts of Kim Jung Un Discovered
He's stuck in quarantine at Dennis Rodman's house in L.A.
Sales of New COVID-19 Perfume Tank
Industry analysts say the whole project is being ventilated.
President Trump Implements His Meat Industry Relief Plan
Ordering the importation of millions of pounds of bat meat from China.
Whipsnade Tragedy: Giant Snail Crushed by Pygmy Hippo
More Highlights from the Cretin Channel
19:30 Celebrity Countdown Outtakes: the funniest moments from Donald Trump and Priti Patel
Trump Says Soap Is The Answer
"Soap, right? You wash your hands to kill it. I'm asking, could we get the soap inside the body? Through the skin? Almost a cleaning? It does a tremendous number on the lungs. Can we look at that?"
Trump: Electric Light To Help Fight Corona
"The light kills it. If we use tremendous amounts of light. Even at night. We have electric light, right? Can we get it inside the body? And the neon. I'm not a doctor but we'd be 24/7."
"Fire Kills Corona", Claims Trump
"Could we hit the body with a tremendous amount of fire? I've seen the fire. It kills everything. Can we look at getting it inside the body? Fire is so big. It's not even size, it's genius."
Vim Shares Plummet After Trump Debacle
An ambrotype depicting Donald Trump playing leapfrog with Lulu on Saltcoats Pier while Louis Pasteur weeps in despair, has been stolen from Bill Gates' underground World Domination HQ.
Trump: Vim Will Help Ud Beat Corona
"Can we look at Vim? They have Vim in the UK, though there's a shortage. They're using it. It kills Corona. It's like a powerful powder. The women powder their noses, right? It's ready to go."
Camel Humps "Kill Corona" Claims Trump
"The camels don't have corona. They have the humps. Some of 'em have two. That's gotta be worth looking into. Even the ones with no humps have a little hump. Almost a hump. Like the Limas of Peru."
Stevenage Menaced by Rogue Capybara
More Highlights from The Cretin Channel:
21:00 Celebrity Gibberish:
Can new girl Priti Patel hope to challenge Donald Trump?
22:00 Movie: Humpty Dumpty Goes To Seed, starring James Corden
Trump Latest: Jugged Hare Could Help WIth Corona
"Trump is one cat that's slated for crashville", says Alfred, Lord Tennyson. "That disinfectant shit is a real zonk on the head. If a square don't know his groceries, he should can the lip."
Trump Says Glue Made From Horses Will Kill Coronavirus
"Trump's statements about using disinfectant to cure COVID-19 were appalling", Prince Ferdinand Georg August of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha said, yesterday. "It's obvious to me, even though I died in 1851."
I'd Try Chimpanzee Serum Toothpaste, Claims Trump
Famous cook Delia Smith is a fan of Donald Trump. "I want him to whip my naked body with live eels and cover me in disinfectant", she told Good Morning Britain presenter Susannah Reid, yesterday.
Trafalgar Nelson "An Impostor", Claims Dorset Rapist
Famous cookery author Delia Smith has denied any relationship to the Temple of the Delians on the Greek island of Delos. "The Pagan Cult I lead is based at Yaxham", she said, yesterday.
Sussex Judge Damaged By Moths
"Donald Trump is a lying narcissist who shouldn't be anywhere near public office", claims Prince Ferdinand Georg August of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha. "I can see it even though I died in 1851."
written by Erskin Quint, 19 April 2020