Showing the very latest breaking spoof news snippets. You can use the calendar on the right to browse through the most recent breaking news snippets.

Bill Cosby Contacts Kim Kardashian to See if She Can Get Him Pardoned

Kim told Cosby he would have to get in line behind Robert Mueller, Suge Knight, and Jared Folger.

written by Al N., 17 June 2018

Inspector General’s Report Is Out

Much like a school report card, the Inspector General’s report is out and James Comey received an F for failure. Who’ve guess? Because he gave the world Donald Trump, he should have received a Z.

written by K.C. Bell, 14 June 2018

Trump Takes the U.S. Out of the U.N.

Trump then deports all the non-citizens & orders everyone else out of the U.N. Building in 24 hours.

written by Al N., 13 June 2018

Secret Plot to Have Trump Declare War on Canada Revealed

Trump must give Canada to Russia or else the Trump Golden Showers tape will hit the airwaves.

written by Al N., 13 June 2018

Trump Gives North Carolina to Kim Jong Un in Return for De-Nuclearization

"And if Lil' Kim stays nuclear-free for ONE YEAR, we will also give Kim North Dakota," said Trump.

written by Al N., 12 June 2018

An original metaphor:

' Clouds flocked the sky like white lint on a blue dryer screen.'
Good one, eh?

written by The Ruling Authority, 11 June 2018

Trump Tweets: Squat Toilets Bad Bad Joke!

Donald Trump was placed in a suite with squat toilets. In the process of squatting and tweeting lost his cellphone down the drain! Kim Jung Un reportedly offered use of his western style facilities.

written by JinoLeFeeto, 11 June 2018

Roseanne Claims that Ambien Turned Her Into An Asshole

"Just ask anyone! I was a bitch but that's all! It's the Ambien that made me racist AND an asshole!

written by Al N., 09 June 2018

Trump Pardons Himself for All the Pussies He's Grabbed

He also promises all the women who want to sue him that he will take them furniture shopping.

written by Al N., 09 June 2018

Trump Declares War on Canada for Burning White House in War of 1812

"Now that I know about it, I'm not going to let them get away with it ANY LONGER!" shouted Trump.

written by Al N., 09 June 2018

Trump Thinks He Already Met With Kim from Korea

His staff had to explain that the person he met with was really Kim Kardashian, not Kim Jong Un.

written by Al N., 09 June 2018

Roseanne Announces New Show With Paula Deen to Run on Fox Network

With support from the Immigration Dept., they will deport a different ethnic group member each week.

written by Al N., 09 June 2018

Trump Pardons Joe McCarthy, Benedict Arnold, and Aaron Burr

"They were all good people who just got bad press, like you-know-who" said Trump.

written by Al N., 09 June 2018

Jared Fogel Asks to Not Be Given Subway Subs While in Prison

"It's cruel and unusual!" said Jared.

written by Al N., 09 June 2018

Note to owners of large dogs:

When your veterinarian asks for a stool sample from your pet, it is not necessary to supply the entire four pound pile. Thank you.

written by The Ruling Authority, 05 June 2018

United States Tripped Down The Rabbit Hole

Guess what? The United States tripped down the rabbit hole, with Putin's help, and Trump is the new Queen of Hearts! "I can pardon myself by executive order!"

Nah! Tell it to the bone spurs. Sad...

written by K.C. Bell, 04 June 2018

Nevada Brothels Offer 50% Discount to "Incels"

"I hope y'all appreciate how much money we're losing on this", sighed one Madam. "I mean, I have to offer the girls one hell of a bonus just to let those twits come anywhere near their twats!"

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 04 June 2018

Trump Deports Melania

Melania's staff, not seeing her for 20 days, finally found out she was taken away by Immigration.

written by Al N., 02 June 2018

Name Calling Trump

What do you call the daughter holding her cute little boy while her father’s policy is to rip away babies and children from their mothers and fathers? Armpit? Kneecap? No. She’s called Daddy’s Girl.

written by K.C. Bell, 01 June 2018

Church of England Excommunicates Harry, Meghan

"Her current state of pregnancy is clear evidence of pre-marital sex", read a statement from the Archbishop of Cunt Herbiary. "This is a clear violation of our eternal and unchanging doctrines."

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 27 May 2018

Referendum To Ban And Remove Trump

Gosh, since Ireland was successful with their referendum to remove the ban on abortion, can the U.S. have a referendum to ban and remove Trump?

written by K.C. Bell, 26 May 2018

Jabba the Trump

I find when I watch cable news in the morning, I much prefer watching Donald Trump talk with the volume off. Imagine an orange Jabba the Hutt as a talentless mime.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 25 May 2018

Wallis Simpson And Meghan Markle

Somewhere in heaven, Wallis Simpson is smiling and applauding Meghan Markle’s wedding to Prince Harry: an American, an actress and a divorcee. Wow! Everything else is just sparkle. Smart guy, Harry.

written by K.C. Bell, 20 May 2018

Miraculous Megan

In what some are calling a miracle, Megan Markle passes the royal virginity test. She said she owes it all to the example set by Princess Diana.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 17 May 2018

The Only Way to Get the Palestinians to the Table

Our Middle East correspondent M. Voltaire opines: If you want PLO/Hamas to come to the Peace Table, set out copious quantities of rancid cheese --it's the only enticing incentive for street rats.

written by Trinculoman, 15 May 2018

One Brick Speaks

One brick speaks and says: The United States ON America. It’s the United States OF America. How much does a degree from Wharton cost? Well, at least her hair was combed.

written by K.C. Bell, 15 May 2018

Showing you have...brass!

Whoever Trump's mentor was in his formative years forgot to tell him: There is a very fine line between...showing you have brass...and...showing your Ass!

written by b kenneth mcgee, 08 May 2018

Bill Cosby Will Not Be Allowed Pound Cake in Prison

And Pudding Pops and Jell-O will not be allowed in Jail-O.

written by Al N., 04 May 2018

Did Trump Push His Name For Nobel Peace Prize?

Is the same guy who mocked a person with a physical handicap allegedly going to be nominated to receive the Nobel Peace Prize? Smells like a Dr. Harold Bornstein letter, dictated by Trump. Bad!

written by K.C. Bell, 02 May 2018

Donald Trump And The Paralympics

Donald Trump says he had difficulty watching the Paralympics and watched as much as he could. Remember, he suffers from bone spurs, (rumored to be in his feet) that prevented his service in Vietnam.

written by K.C. Bell, 01 May 2018

Trump's Paralympics

Donald Trump says he had difficulty watching the Paralympics and watched as much as he could. Remember, he suffers from bone spurs, rumored to be in his feet, preventing him from serving in Vietnam.

written by K.C. Bell, 01 May 2018

Neil Warnock Upset Again

The Cardiff City boss is seething again after it was discovered his name was an anagram of Colin Wanker.

written by Monkey Woods, 27 April 2018

Bill Cosby Will Not Be Allowed to Have Pound Cake in Prison

And Pudding Pops and Jell-o will not be allowed in jail-o.

written by Al N., 27 April 2018

Emmanuel Macron Doesn’t Speak Trumpish

Anyone notice, French President Emmanuel Macron speaks better English than Donald Trump? And no superlatives necessary...Sad!

written by K.C. Bell, 26 April 2018

The Captain Has Illuminated the 'NO LEGS' Sign

Delta airlines now requires passengers to store their legs in the overhead bin.

written by Xavier Fairbanks, 25 April 2018

Name Calling Trump

One thing about Trump, no one will ever call him simpatico!

written by K.C. Bell, 17 April 2018

Trump to Seek Re-erection

President Donald J. Trump to seek re-erection in 2019, 2020, 2021, 2022, etc., though not with his wife Melania.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 11 April 2018

Boris Johnson.

Boris Johnson - Labour's useful idiot.

written by j.w., 08 April 2018

Commonwealth Games drugs shock

Jamaican limbo dance team member sent home for failing to use ganja

written by Paxton Quigley, 07 April 2018

Donald Trump, Jr. Blames His Divorce on Obama

He says it's the only thing he's ever liked about Obama.

written by Al N., 05 April 2018

Sue Barker: My Moleskin Underwear Hell

More From The Cretin Channel

Arse Disaster 2018:
A London model shits herself, and a Salisbury business man follows through in a critical sales meeting.

written by Erskin Quint, 03 April 2018

Cannibal Joke "In Bad Taste"

A rare charcoal drawing of Henry Purcell and Lionel Ritchie playing leapfrog with Lulu on Saltcoats Pier while Alex "Hurricane" Higgins teaches Moses to drink a yard of ale in the background has been nibbled by capybara.

written by Erskin Quint, 03 April 2018

I Can See Margaret Thatcher's Face Between Kim Kardashian's Buttocks, Claims Aberdeen Fuckwit

Devon farmer John Barleycorne, the first man in the world to have wooden ears fitted, is a great fan of Arthur Mullard and Hittite footwear.

written by Erskin Quint, 03 April 2018

Bogus Bishop Scourge Rocks Jutland

"I wrote all the novels of Charles Dickens only last year", claims Devon watering-can repairer Adelbert Lossiemouth. "It took me ages. He was a long-winded bugger."

written by Erskin Quint, 03 April 2018

Carmen Miranda Obsession Ruined my Life Admits Tim Rice

The Two David Livingstones are getting there in the new semi in Burwash. "The lounge-diner is so snug now we've got the Geronimo figurines lined up along the wainscotting", said David Livingstone,m yesterday.

written by Erskin Quint, 03 April 2018

Trendy Dresses For Older Men

Among the recently-discovered unpublished works by late travel-writer Sidney Yardbrushe are Rolling Pace Eggs With The Cherokee, Constipated In Kathmandu, and Drinking My Way Across The Sudetenland

written by Erskin Quint, 03 April 2018

I Lived On Paraffin When I Was Homeless, Claims Sinitta

It was in 1867 that Tesco Van Morrison, the Corsican explorer, first broached the Western Foothills of the Nkambo-Bolo, where he discovered the Burrowing Blue-Faced Ningo Warriors, who lived on toast and worshipped Lambert Simnel.

written by Erskin Quint, 03 April 2018

How To Remove Candle Wax From A Goldfish

"It's a myth that Jean-Paul Sartre used to holiday here", says Saltcoats tripe-dresser Yorick Thumbnaile. "Merleau-Ponty did, mind. He loved the Ten Pin Bowling. The Heideggers came every August as well, for the kippers."

written by Erskin Quint, 03 April 2018

Tea Plantations Are The New Bitcoin

"I lived next door to that Samuel Beckett for a bit", claims Barnsley fruiterer Ken Drastic. "He borrowed my lawnmower and I never got it back. I tried once but I couldn't get across the moat."

written by Erskin Quint, 03 April 2018

I Used To Drink Toyah Wilcox's Piss Claims Pre-Raphaelite

Cretin Channel Highlights:

20:00 Celebrity Jism
Can Clive of India outwank Robbie Williams?

22:00 Film Chat Review of James Corden in Pigling Bland Goes To Seed

written by Erskin Quint, 03 April 2018
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