There have been 159 spoof news stories published in August 2019. A selection of the most popular stories is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get news stories from a day in this month.

Funny story: Harry Maguire Says He Didn't Sign Last Season Because Jose Mourinho Was Manager

Harry Maguire Says He Didn't Sign Last Season Because Jose Mourinho Was Manager

Manchester United central defender, Harry Maguire has revealed the real reason he didn't sign for the club a year ago, when Jose Mourinho was the Reds' boss: Jose Mourinho. Maguire, 26, had been on the United radar for the last two summer breaks,...

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Funny story: Manchester United Give Harry Maguire Captain's Armband

Manchester United Give Harry Maguire Captain's Armband

Harry Maguire, the fresh-faced, good-looking golden boy of English football, signed by Manchester United for £80million from Leicester City on Monday, is to be given the Old Trafford captain's armband as a gesture of just how valuable an asset the cl...

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Funny story: Harry Maguire Involved In Strange Incident Before Match On Sunday

Harry Maguire Involved In Strange Incident Before Match On Sunday

Manchester United's £80million defender, Harry Maguire, has revealed details of a strange incident in the changing room before Sunday's Premier League opener against Chelsea, when the star's head was too big to fit through the headhole in his shirt.

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Funny story: Manchester United Manager Ole Gunnar Solskjaer's Head Is Getting Smaller

Manchester United Manager Ole Gunnar Solskjaer's Head Is Getting Smaller

Rumours are rife around Old Trafford this morning, as speculation rises that Manchester United coach Ole Gunnar Solskjaer's head is getting smaller. Solskjaer was photographed alongside new signing, £80million former Sheffield United, Hull City an...

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Funny story: Harry Maguire Has Had 'Second Thoughts' About Manchester United

Harry Maguire Has Had 'Second Thoughts' About Manchester United

Having previously told news reporters he would never sign for Premier League football giants Manchester United because he hated them, Harry Maguire has now had 'second thoughts', and signed for the Reds on Monday, for a ridiculous £97million. Magu...

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Funny story: Harry Maguire Given Go-ahead To Stay In Bed Late On Monday Morning

Harry Maguire Given Go-ahead To Stay In Bed Late On Monday Morning

Harry Maguire, the new pin-up boy of football, who signed for Manchester United for £80million from Leicester City last Monday, made his debut at Old Trafford against Chelsea this afternoon, and has received the go-ahead from manager Ole Gunnar Solsk...

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Funny story: Harry Maguire To Buy Some New Football Boots

Harry Maguire To Buy Some New Football Boots

Harry Maguire, the fresh-faced, good-looking golden boy of English football, who signed for Manchester United for £80million from Leicester City on Monday, says he might buy some new football boots, as a special treat to himself for becoming the most...

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Funny story: Harry Maguire Signs Affidavit Not To Let Jamie Vardy Score On September 14th

Harry Maguire Signs Affidavit Not To Let Jamie Vardy Score On September 14th

New Manchester United defender, Harry Maguire, who signed for the Reds from Leicester City for £80million on Monday, has signed a second legal document, an affidavit with the club's solicitors affirming that, when his new club meet his old club at Ol...

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Funny story: Harry Maguire To Meet President Donald Trump

Harry Maguire To Meet President Donald Trump

White House sources say that President Donald Trump is to hold conference talks with new Manchester United signing, fresh-faced, good-looking golden boy, and 'brick shithouse', Harry Maguire. The pair will talk on a variety of issues, including f...

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Funny story: Lionel Messi Banned For Speaking The Truth About Corruption

Lionel Messi Banned For Speaking The Truth About Corruption

Lionel Messi, the Barcelona and Argentina footballer, has been banned from taking part in international matches for three months, for speaking the truth. The ban, imposed by Conmebol, the South American Football Confederation, comes as a result of...

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Funny story: Harry Maguire: Manchester United to Trade, Sell Him to Los Angeles Galaxy?

Harry Maguire: Manchester United to Trade, Sell Him to Los Angeles Galaxy?

Carson, CA. Exclusive to The Spoof. This city, the home of the Los Angeles Galaxy, is abuzz with rumors that soccer great Harry Maguire, the centre back recently acquired by Manchester United, will be sold or traded to the American soccer championshi...

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Funny story: Harry Maguire Now More Popular Than Harry Potter, Google Search Reveals

Harry Maguire Now More Popular Than Harry Potter, Google Search Reveals

Harry Maguire, the fresh-faced, good-looking, record-breaking £80million Manchester United defender, is now even more popular than Harry Potter, a Google search has revealed. The little-lad magician has been the most popular 'Harry' for decades, b...

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Funny story: Harry Maguire's Mam To Meet Her Majesty The Queen

Harry Maguire's Mam To Meet Her Majesty The Queen

There was rejoicing in South Yorkshire this afternoon, when the new Manchester United signing, Harry Maguire, broke the news to his dear old mam, that she had been invited to tea with Her Majesty the Queen. Maguire completed his move from Leiceste...

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Funny story: Harry Maguire To Read The News At Ten

Harry Maguire To Read The News At Ten

Harry Maguire, the one-time Hull City carthorse who earler this week signed for Manchester United from Leicester City, is a popular man. He's also extremely handsome. And muscular. That's the reason behind the BBC's decision to ask the £80milli...

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Funny story: Harry Maguire's Premier League Predictions

Harry Maguire's Premier League Predictions

Football is well-and-truly back, and the Premier League kicks off this afternoon with fourteen of the twenty teams in action. That's seven-tenths, or, if you prefer, 70%! Manchester United fans will have to wait until tomorrow to see their expensi...

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Funny story: Is Gareth Bale On His Way To Hull City?

Is Gareth Bale On His Way To Hull City?

Gareth Bale, the Real Madrid and Wales footballer, who has fallen out of favour at the Bernabeu Stadium, may have found the ideal club with which to play out the rest of his career - Hull City. Bale, 30, is a man who knows what he likes, and he li...

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Funny story: Harry Maguire Is Sick And Tired Of All The Stupid Made-up Stories About Him

Harry Maguire Is Sick And Tired Of All The Stupid Made-up Stories About Him

Manchester United's new £80million star, Harry Maguire, has said he is absolutely "fed up to the back teeth" of all the stories about him circulating on the internet, in which there is absolutely no truth whatsoever. Maguire, 26, signed for United...

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Funny story: Harry Maguire To Star As The Next James Bond

Harry Maguire To Star As The Next James Bond

The world of British entertainment cheered in unison last night when it was announced that Harry Maguire, the new Manchester United central defender will be the next James Bond. Maguire will replace Daniel Craig, who has been Bond four times, the...

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Funny story: Harry Maguire Upset At Way Social Media Tossers Keep Spelling His Name Wrong

Harry Maguire Upset At Way Social Media Tossers Keep Spelling His Name Wrong

Harry Maguire, the central defender signed by Manchester United from Leicester City only last week, has spoken out against the countless thousands of people using social media who will insist on spelling his surname incorrectly. Maguire, who cost...

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Funny story: Low-Budget Ancestry Analysis Links Ryan Adams and Bryan Adams as Half-Brothers

Low-Budget Ancestry Analysis Links Ryan Adams and Bryan Adams as Half-Brothers

Thanks to the miracles of modern-day ancestry analysis through specialty service www.BudgetBloodlines.web, musicians Bryan Adams of Canada, and Ryan Adams of the United States, were informed that they are half-brothers, related through their common f...

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Funny story: Harry Maguire To Clear Up Brexit Mess

Harry Maguire To Clear Up Brexit Mess

Harry Maguire, Manchester United's new central defender who signed for the Reds from Leicester City on Monday for £80million, is to enter the world of politics. His first job will be to clear up the Brexit mess. Maguire has no political affilia...

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Funny story: Harry Maguire Bookmakers' Favourite To Be UK Charts Christmas Number 1

Harry Maguire Bookmakers' Favourite To Be UK Charts Christmas Number 1

Harry Maguire, the new Manchester United signing who seems to be able to do just about anything everything he puts his hand to, has been made the bookmakers' favourite to reach number 1 in the UK charts at Christmas. This is astonishing news - eve...

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Funny story: Harry Maguire To Push Some Buttons On The Hadron Collider

Harry Maguire To Push Some Buttons On The Hadron Collider

Harry Maguire, the Manchester United central defender, has announced he will be flying to Geneva next week, to travel to Cern where scientists continue to work on the Hadron Collider, a big machine with which they are attempting to recreate the condi...

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Funny story: Anti-Violence Legislators Switch Target from Guns to Knives

Anti-Violence Legislators Switch Target from Guns to Knives

Sacramento, CA. Special to The Spoof. Frustrated in their attempt to outlaw firearms, the anti-gun crowd now has a new target. Liberal state legislators are honing a bill to ban a wide variety of knives, including some hallowed in American history.

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Funny story: Peter Schmeichel Says Harry Maguire Is The Best Keeper In The World Right Now

Peter Schmeichel Says Harry Maguire Is The Best Keeper In The World Right Now

Former Manchester United 'custodian of the net', Peter Schmeichel, has said that the club's recent £80million signing of Harry Maguire was a shrewd move, as the former Sheffield United, Hull City and Leicester City player is the best goalkeeper in th...

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Funny story: Harry Maguire Inspiration Behind Re-release Of Sham 69 Single 'Hurry Up, Harry'

Harry Maguire Inspiration Behind Re-release Of Sham 69 Single 'Hurry Up, Harry'

Punk rockers, Sham 69, are to honour the world record (for a defender) signing by Manchester United of former Sheffield United, Hull City and Leicester City defender Harry Maguire by re-releasing 'Hurry Up, Harry', their 1978 hit single. Maguire h...

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Funny story: Next presidential debate to offer reverse format: Mr. Cooper you have thirty seconds

Next presidential debate to offer reverse format: Mr. Cooper you have thirty seconds

The commission on the current set of presidential debates has announced a new formula for the next encounter in September. Instead of news hosts grilling candidates, the candidates themselves will sit off to one side, with prominent news hosts in...

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Funny story: Trump, GOP Thrilled as Barr Promises to “Investigate Clinton Murders, Tooth Fairy and Easter Bunny Soon”

Trump, GOP Thrilled as Barr Promises to “Investigate Clinton Murders, Tooth Fairy and Easter Bunny Soon”

Washington - President Trump tweeted out to his adoring groupies last night that his personal consigliere, Bill Barr, would soon open an investigation into the dozens of people who were associated with the Clintons over the last several decades who,...

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Funny story: President Trump Orders NRA To Ban Sales Of Guns On Weekends

President Trump Orders NRA To Ban Sales Of Guns On Weekends

There was 'light at the end of the tunnel' for those hoping for gun reform this evening, when President Donald Trump issued an executive order via Twitter, that "sales of weapons, to certain kinds of people, should not happen on the weekend." "Thi...

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Funny story: Storming Area 51...Not Such A Good Idea!

Storming Area 51...Not Such A Good Idea!

Hundreds of people that decided to jump the gun and storm the American base called Area 51 found out that trying to break in was probably a bad idea. 'Storm Area 51, They Can't Stop All of Us', a recently created Facebook event that was planned f...

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Funny story: President Trump Says Statistics Do Not Support Concerns Over Shopping Mall Mass Shootings

President Trump Says Statistics Do Not Support Concerns Over Shopping Mall Mass Shootings

President Trump has said that Americans are "worrying unnecessarily" about guns, and says statistics prove they are not likely to die as a result of some nut shooting them down in a bloody killing spree in a shopping mall. The president's mind was...

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Funny story: Trump nominated for Nobel Peace Prize, for saving the lives of ten million Afghans

Trump nominated for Nobel Peace Prize, for saving the lives of ten million Afghans

Ten million could be the population count of most countries, and, as predicted, ten million could be wiped out in a week, or ten days at the most, including human collateral damage. This is a record wipe-out never before seen in the annals of US mili...

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Funny story: Trump Says No Need For Gun Restrictions

Trump Says No Need For Gun Restrictions

Reacting to the latest mass shooting in El Paso yesterday, President Donald Trump said the much-called for revision on gun control in the US is not a necessity, as there will soon be nobody left to shoot. Trump was tweeting before bedtime last nig...

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Funny story: Fans Say Billie Eilish Sounds Like Lorde

Fans Say Billie Eilish Sounds Like Lorde

Billie Eilish is one of today’s top pop music idols. But she has been dogged by accusations that she sounds a lot like Lorde. Eilish has even recorded a song on the subject, “Wish I Weren’t Just Like You.” But she hasn’t spoken publicly on the subjec...

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Funny story: FOX News drifting Left has Donald visiting his psychiatrist

FOX News drifting Left has Donald visiting his psychiatrist

A rift between the President and his favorite network, FOX News, is developing, according to insider sources. James Murdoch, the younger brother of CEO Lachlan Murdoch, has said he is “embarrassed” by Fox News. Mr. Trump immediately rushed off...

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Funny story: Prince Andrew’s Depleted Ukrainian Billionaire Chum Escorted From Balmoral

Prince Andrew’s Depleted Ukrainian Billionaire Chum Escorted From Balmoral

Balmoral, Scotland - (McHaggis Times): A bankrupt Ukrainian former yellowcake mining mogul has been sent packing from Balmoral Castle following a police raid on Grouse Cottage in the royal estate’s Muckadder slopes. Arkady Chernobylblastov, 69, ha...

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Funny story: Jacob Rees-Mogg hospitalised following disastrous romp with blow-up sex doll

Jacob Rees-Mogg hospitalised following disastrous romp with blow-up sex doll

Controversial Tory MP, Jacob Rees-Mogg was admitted to a London hospital last night, after a kinky romp with an inflatable sex doll went disastrously wrong. Arch-Brexiteer Rees-Mogg received a number of injuries, after the doll exploded when he le...

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Funny story: Moscow Mitch Doesn't like Being Called Moscow Mitch!

Moscow Mitch Doesn't like Being Called Moscow Mitch!

U.S. Senator Mitch McConnell this week complained about being labled "Moscow Mitch", based on his not allowing legislation to strengthen preventive measures against Russian interference in U.S. elections. Leningrad Lindsey Graham came to Moscow Mi...

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Funny story: Nashville Unoriginal Takes Country Music Charts by Storm

Nashville Unoriginal Takes Country Music Charts by Storm

The music of singer-songwriter Kelcey Payne of Nashville, Tennessee, has been described as hackneyed, poppy, and blatantly unoriginal - and it's got country music fans around the world absolutely riveted. "I'm a super fan," said Patti Leichman of...

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Funny story: Conservative-Minded, Horrifying, Demonic Beast Successfully Slain Outside Of Liberal Arts Classroom After Saying Terrible Things And Lighting Up A Cigarette

Conservative-Minded, Horrifying, Demonic Beast Successfully Slain Outside Of Liberal Arts Classroom After Saying Terrible Things And Lighting Up A Cigarette

Northeastern Iowa. Bradley Johnson, a 24-year-old, psychotic, horrifying monster with misguided values and numerous mental disorders, was successfully captured, beaten, and impaled on a flag pole last Thursday after making terrible remarks during a...

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Funny story: Vegan-Friendly Atheist Allows Animals to Go to Heaven

Vegan-Friendly Atheist Allows Animals to Go to Heaven

In an effort to recruit vegans to the secular movement, outspoken non-believer Alex Harrison, host of the popular podcast Smarter than God, stated that animals could go to the same place that good people go after they die. "There's no reason that...

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Funny story: Mexico Demands Wall Be Built In Aftermath Of El Paso Shootings

Mexico Demands Wall Be Built In Aftermath Of El Paso Shootings

Sources close to the government in Mexico are saying that Mexican residents living close to the US border at El Paso are demanding that the wall US president Donald Trump has talked about building for so long, be built as soon as is humanly possible.

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Funny story: Bathroom Graffiti Leads To Existential Breakthrough

Bathroom Graffiti Leads To Existential Breakthrough

What started as a questionable choice in food last evening, turned out to lead one man to discover the answer to his entire existence. Jacob Frye, a 33-year-old accountant from Glendale, had been eating with his family at Big Joe’s Crabs on Baseline...

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Funny story: Trump Condemns Flaunting White Supremacy

Trump Condemns Flaunting White Supremacy

In a national address following the latest racially motivated mass shooting by a man who claimed to be protecting his country from an ethnic invasion by Hispanics, United States President Donald Trump strongly condemned violently flaunting white supr...

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Funny story: Middle-aged London man who attempted nimble hop onto pavement in front of pretty girl ruptures spleen

Middle-aged London man who attempted nimble hop onto pavement in front of pretty girl ruptures spleen

A 54-year-old man from Whitechapel in East London was recovering in hospital last night after rupturing his spleen as he tried to hop nimbly from the road onto the pavement in front of an attractive young woman yesterday afternoon. Toby Dell, a ma...

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Funny story: Russian Perverts 'Most Depraved in The World' Boasts Putin

Russian Perverts 'Most Depraved in The World' Boasts Putin

Russian president, Vladimir Putin, has followed up his recent boast about Russian prostitutes being the world's finest by claiming that his country's sexual deviants are also without equal. In a televised statement last night, Mr Putin said: "When...

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Funny story: Drug Squad’s ‘Yippee’ At No-Deal Brexit Border Checks

Drug Squad’s ‘Yippee’ At No-Deal Brexit Border Checks

London, UK - The return of frisking truck drivers who cross the Irish border into Northern Ireland is being welcomed by UK drug squad interests which blame abolition of Stop N Search checkpoints for years of cheapskate, substandard EU weed. Under...

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Funny story: 'At-Risk' Loser Determined To Become Overachieving Piece Of Shit Next Semester

'At-Risk' Loser Determined To Become Overachieving Piece Of Shit Next Semester

Central Iowa. After failing a handful of his general education courses, earning poor grades in others, and succeeding at nothing during his first two semesters at Dickland University, Todd Michaels, 19, is determined to 'turn his life around' when h...

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Funny story: Mass Shooting Saga

Mass Shooting Saga

Another two mass shootings in America (250 this year. We do expect that to be 251 by the time this piece is published) have claimed the lives of 29 people, and once again the gun laws of the nation are under attack. With many calling for stricter...

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Funny story: Guy Unable to Hide a Single BJ in Oval Office Amazingly Killed Dozens with Wife, Left Zero Evidence or Witnesses

Guy Unable to Hide a Single BJ in Oval Office Amazingly Killed Dozens with Wife, Left Zero Evidence or Witnesses

Washington - It has been reported from very reliable sources such as Trump, Facebook memes, and various tweets from Infowars and other right wing investigators, that a former President, along with his politician/first lady wife, were able to murder d...

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Funny story: Student Proves Theory That One Shouldn't Sit Behind Doors

Student Proves Theory That One Shouldn't Sit Behind Doors

A student sitting behind a classroom door yesterday, proved, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that sitting behind a door is an ill-judged thing to do which could cause injury, after classmates barged the door open, causing an injury. Moys Kenwood, the...

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Funny story: Anglesey Skeleton Crew

Anglesey Skeleton Crew

In another blow to British democracy, Scandinavian and Mediterranean skeletons have been found buried in an ancient graveyard in Anglesey. Heroic Brexiteers have rushed to the tiny cemetery in their thousands to show their displeasure at the find.

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Funny story: Jeffrey Epstein 'Suicide' Is "Sketchy At Best", Says Criminal Network

Jeffrey Epstein 'Suicide' Is "Sketchy At Best", Says Criminal Network

The death in custody of financier, and alleged sex pest, Jeffrey Epstein, could not have happened completely by his own hand, according to the criminal underground. Epstein was found lifeless in his cell yesterday, and his corpse was rushed to a M...

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Funny story: Banks Claim Their Right to Create a Financial Crisis and Get Bailed Out by Taxpayers is Unfairly Limited by Fed

Banks Claim Their Right to Create a Financial Crisis and Get Bailed Out by Taxpayers is Unfairly Limited by Fed

Washington - Banks have applauded the latest moves by the Federal Reserve and President Trump’s “deregulators” to remove restrictions on financial institutions from trading in hedge funds, derivatives and just about anything else that could possibly...

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Funny story: Washington Post Explains that Owner Jeff Bezos Generously Allows Reporters to Act Fully Independently

Washington Post Explains that Owner Jeff Bezos Generously Allows Reporters to Act Fully Independently

Railing against suggestions by presidential candidate Bernie Sanders that its reporting might be biased by its ownership by Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, Washington Post editor, Marty Baron, explained that Bezos generously allows Post journalists to operate...

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Funny story: Celebrity millionaire inspires global elites with bum-slapping antics aboard his yacht

Celebrity millionaire inspires global elites with bum-slapping antics aboard his yacht

Now being reported in society pages across the globe, members in the One Percent Club are enthused with recent innovations to increase self-comfort. That is, Italian millionaire Gianluca Vacchi, aged 52, has just surfaced, according to Russia Toda...

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Funny story: Oppenheimer Not What He Seems Scientists Say

Oppenheimer Not What He Seems Scientists Say

In a shocking turn of events today that’s sure to shake the world the famous theoretical physicist and professor of physics at the University of California, Berkeley, J. Robert Oppenheimer, was discovered to never once have performed a sweet 180-kick...

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Funny story: Harry Maguire To Arm Wrestle Noel Edmonds In Battle To Host 'Deal Or No Deal' Comeback

Harry Maguire To Arm Wrestle Noel Edmonds In Battle To Host 'Deal Or No Deal' Comeback

Harry Maguire, football's golden boy, who signed for Melchester United in an £80million deal last week, could be involved in another 'deal' soon, after Channel 4 announced the sensational comeback of the last truly great TV gameshow, 'Deal Or No Deal...

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Funny story: Climate Scientists Relieved that Trump Nuclear Policy May End Life on Earth before Global Warming

Climate Scientists Relieved that Trump Nuclear Policy May End Life on Earth before Global Warming

While most climate scientists agree that it wasn't exactly good news when United States president  Donald Trump formally withdrew from the Intermediate-Range Nuclear Forces Treaty with Russia, thereby rapidly accelerating the risk of a deadly nuclear...

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Funny story: Prince Andrew Impassive Over Jeffrey Epstein Death

Prince Andrew Impassive Over Jeffrey Epstein Death

The death in his cell of suspected sex trafficker, Jeffrey Epstein, has had no visible effect whatsoever, on the affairs of Prince Andrew, it has been reported. Financier Epstein was being held in prison for offences he was alleged to have commit...

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Funny story: California's Homeless, Denounced by Trump, Invite Him to "Share Our Tents"

California's Homeless, Denounced by Trump, Invite Him to "Share Our Tents"

Skid Row, Los Angeles, CA. In the Spoof News report of the president's speech in Cincinnati last night, Donald Trump said: “Nearly half the homeless people living in tents on America's streets live in California. What they are doing to our beautiful...

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Funny story: Blocked Writer Relieved to Realize No One Cares whether He Writes Anything Ever Again

Blocked Writer Relieved to Realize No One Cares whether He Writes Anything Ever Again

Russell Hanson of New York City, a longtime legal writer and aspiring fiction author who'd been feeling somewhat panicked to find himself running low on ideas for new novels and short stories, breathed a sigh of relief when it occurred to him that no...

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Funny story: Man Was Full Of Wind When He Woke Up This Morning

Man Was Full Of Wind When He Woke Up This Morning

A 56-year-old man living in southeast Asia has told how he woke up this morning to an incredible 'urge to purge' his tanks, and to release unwanted noxious gases into the atmosphere. Moys Kenwood claims that he often has to part his cheeks for a...

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Funny story: Residents of Storm-Stricken Puerto Rico Remain Unable to Obtain Insulin, Coca Cola and Spam

Residents of Storm-Stricken Puerto Rico Remain Unable to Obtain Insulin, Coca Cola and Spam

Nearly two years after the major storm that devastated Puerto Rico in 2017, many residents still remain unable to obtain insulin medication, Coca Cola, and other food staples like Oreos, ice cream, and Spam. "At this point, some people are being f...

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Funny story: Priti Patel Vows To Make Criminals Terrified Of The Law

Priti Patel Vows To Make Criminals Terrified Of The Law

New Home Secretary, Priti Patel, has said that criminals should be made "terrified of the law", and that she wants them to: "literally feel terror". Patel told anyone who would listen, that: "The Conservative Party is the party of law and or...

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Funny story: Brick Came Through Window

Brick Came Through Window

An 84-year-old lady, innocently washing her breakfast pots in her kitchen, was given the fright of her life this morning, when a regular household brick came crashing through the window, causing her to turn to her husband, Albert, and ask him: "Wh...

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Funny story: Wedding Party Experience Left Nasty Taste In Woman's Mouth

Wedding Party Experience Left Nasty Taste In Woman's Mouth

A woman who was forced to eat something that she didn't like at a wedding party has said that she felt humiliated in front of the other guests, and that the whole experience has left a nasty taste in her mouth. Wendy O'Kooms, of Dublin, was attend...

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Funny story: Neurotic New Yorkers Debate Who's Most Anxious

Neurotic New Yorkers Debate Who's Most Anxious

"I don't know anybody who has worse anxiety than me," said Lauren Kane of New York City. "I wake up every morning with a crushing sense of dread. If I even managed to fall asleep the night before, that is." While sympathetic to Lauren's anxiety is...

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Funny story: Young Black Male Wanted for Unspeakable Sex Crimes

Young Black Male Wanted for Unspeakable Sex Crimes

The New York City Police Department is asking for the public's assistance in apprehending a medium- to dark-skinned black male between the ages of 17 and 25, who is wanted in the New York City area for questioning in regard to unspeakable alleged sex...

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Funny story: Jeffrey Epstein 'Suicide Watch' Explained

Jeffrey Epstein 'Suicide Watch' Explained

Following intense criticism of the US prison authorities for allowing disgraced financier Jeffrey Epstein to take his own life in his cell, even after having been on a Suicide Watch, the warden at the facility has spoken out to explain what a 'Suicid...

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Funny story: Stevenage Shirt Looks Like Burger King Staff Uniform!

Stevenage Shirt Looks Like Burger King Staff Uniform!

The football season is upon us again, and the big news from the lower leagues is on the topic of fashion! The new shirt to be worn during the 2019/20 football season by League Two side Stevenage F.C. is sure to have fans licking their lips in anti...

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Funny story: Scunthorpe Finally Bows To Namechange Pressure

Scunthorpe Finally Bows To Namechange Pressure

An industrial town in north Lincolnshire has finally succumbed to pressure from residents to undergo a namechange after thousands of local people petitioned the government council to get rid of the 'cunt' from Scunthorpe. Placenames often change...

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Funny story: Epstein Body Not His: El Chapo Was Last Cellmate

Epstein Body Not His: El Chapo Was Last Cellmate

BILLINGSGATE POST: Adding to the mystery of the presumed death of notorious multimillionaire pedophile, Jeffrey Epstein, was a report that the body found in Epstein’s cell was cremated before an autopsy was performed, and that no signs of choke mar...

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Funny story: "Red Flag Laws" May Take Guns From "Patriots"

"Red Flag Laws" May Take Guns From "Patriots"

Washington, D. C. Exclusive to The Spoof. The NRA today warned that the rush to pass so-called "Red Flag Laws" is a threat to freedom-loving Americans whose ownership of guns is to protect our citizens from a tyrannical government. "In the rush to...

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Funny story: Serena Williams Retires From Tennis

Serena Williams Retires From Tennis

Serena Williams, the winner of 39 Grand Slam tennis titles, and who has spent an incredible 319 weeks of her career as Women's number 1, finally decided to call it a day yesterday, and announced her retirement from the game. Williams, 37, chose, i...

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Funny story: Chapped Lips? Try Dr. Billingsgate’s New Bat Guano Formula

Chapped Lips? Try Dr. Billingsgate’s New Bat Guano Formula

BILLINGSGATE POST: Remarkably, after years of experimenting with natural ingredients, ranging from chicken manure to cannabis, Dr. Billingsgate has discovered an extract that will make all other salves and lotions obsolete. Working out of his iso...

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Funny story: Trump: All Caucasians To Be Dyed Purple To End White Supremacy

Trump: All Caucasians To Be Dyed Purple To End White Supremacy

BILLINGSGATE POST: This morning, in a display of chutzpah that defied transcendental reality, President Trump descended out of a cloud like an existential chimera. Something was different about him. On the lawn outside the White House, just before...

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Funny story: Whitechapel Man Leaves Bride at the Altar for Passing Wind During Vows

Whitechapel Man Leaves Bride at the Altar for Passing Wind During Vows

A 19-year-old bride was left weeping at the altar, when her 21-year-old husband-to-be stormed out of the church after the girl noisily passed wind as he placed the wedding band on her finger, during a ceremony in Whitechapel, East London last Saturda...

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Funny story: Harry Maguire Debunked By Battlin' Bohunk From Beaver Crossing

Harry Maguire Debunked By Battlin' Bohunk From Beaver Crossing

BILLINGSGATE POST: In a fight touted to be a walkover for Harry Maguire, the “Battlin' Bohunk” from Beaver Crossing, the redoubtable Slim Everdingle, threw the fresh-faced, good-looking golden boy from Leicester City out of the ring in a winner-take...

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Funny story: London couple enjoyed a saucy romp while the Firefox download wizard watched

London couple enjoyed a saucy romp while the Firefox download wizard watched

A 50-year-old woman from Whitechapel in East London has revealed that she had sex with her husband in front of their laptop computer while downloading the Mozilla Firefox internet browser. Tracy Dell, a shop worker from Vallance Road, told The Eas...

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Funny story: Jeffrey Epstein’s Hole-In-One At Trump Creepy Hollow

Jeffrey Epstein’s Hole-In-One At Trump Creepy Hollow

Creepy Hollow, New York - (Fore! Play News): Convicted predatory sex monster, Jeffrey Epstein, who died in a Manhattan jail cell this weekend, reportedly scored his best-ever hit at one of President Trump’s famous putting greens, according to files...

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Funny story: Boris Johnson targets dead voters for the next election

Boris Johnson targets dead voters for the next election

This week, UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson has been visiting graveyards, tombs and haunted houses throughout the country to build support for a possible snap election in the autumn. Spokesman Jeff Hades explained, "The voters who are most closely...

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Funny story: Neocons Dismayed to Realize New "Public Charge" Rule Means Immigrants May Take Jobs Americans Actually Want

Neocons Dismayed to Realize New "Public Charge" Rule Means Immigrants May Take Jobs Americans Actually Want

While neoconservatives initially applauded President Donald Trump's new "public charge" rule, tying green card eligibility to immigrants' financial resources and education levels, they were dismayed to subsequently realize that the new law means that...

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Funny story: Boeing offers White House “buy two get three” Air Force One deal

Boeing offers White House “buy two get three” Air Force One deal

Once again with eye on the budget, the White House has moved steadily forward on how to save the US money. Eliminating aid programs for newly-documented immigrants in housing vouchers, medicaid, and food stamps is now official. Money saved her...

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Funny story: Nashville Man Reluctantly Decides to Go Extinct

Nashville Man Reluctantly Decides to Go Extinct

"I think it's the responsible thing to do," said Blake Tucker of Nashville, Tennessee, regarding his reluctant decision to go extinct. "The planet can't continue to support my existence. The Tucker line just isn't sustainable." The decision to go...

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Funny story: Breitbart Prediction that Global Temperatures had Peaked in 1998 was Correct; Just Kidding, it was Actually Shit

Breitbart Prediction that Global Temperatures had Peaked in 1998 was Correct; Just Kidding, it was Actually Shit

Washington - A prediction made by scientists paid by so-called “think tanks” like Cato Institute and Heritage Institute, in turn supported by oil industry billionaires, that declared the upward trend in global temperatures over in 1998 turned out to...

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Funny story: The Flying Frenchman

The Flying Frenchman

Brexiteers were once again up in arms, legs and heads today as Frenchman, Franky Zapata, made a solo flight across the English Channel on a Flyboard, a move that is said to have shook hardline 'no deal' MPs to their core, and stiffened their resolve...

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Funny story: Epstein autopsy now official at "assisted suicide"

Epstein autopsy now official at "assisted suicide"

Although Barbara Sampson, New York's chief medical examiner, has announced the cause of Epstein's death as "pending", inside sources now say an official determination has been reached. Ms. Sampson stated that no single cause can as yet be determin...

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Funny story: Trump/Republicans: "Only a Socialist Nutjob Would Offer Free Healthcare and College for All"

Trump/Republicans: "Only a Socialist Nutjob Would Offer Free Healthcare and College for All"

Tel Aviv - President Donald Trump returned from a two-day trip to Israel, where he met with staunch U.S. ally and friend, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. Trump reiterated full support for Israeli policies. The middle-eastern country is the la...

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Funny story: TV guide 3 August

TV guide 3 August

4:00pm. Whiny Nerds Comedy. Laugh along with the laughter track at the constantly complaining nerds at Geek College. 4:30. Whiny Nerds Comedy. 5:00. Whiny Nerds Comedy. 5:30. Whiny Nerds Comedy. 6:00. Whiny Nerds Comedy. Repeat of the...

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Funny story: Husband and wife are not looking forward to the end of Poldark

Husband and wife are not looking forward to the end of Poldark

Husband and wife Tim and Laura Preposition are not looking forward to the end of Poldark, and what it will mean to their Sunday nights. Tim 37, and Laura, 42, like the rest of us, live in a world of Donald Trump, Boris Johnson and James Corden, an...

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Funny story: Rangers Remain (Stupid)

Rangers Remain (Stupid)

Rangers manager, Steven Gerrard, today made the claim: If all the matches had finished at the 86th minute last season, we’d have won the league. That’s the brutal truth. Actually if all the games had finished on the 86th minute Celtic would hav...

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Funny story: The Latest Wrestling Pay-PerView Matches And Results

The Latest Wrestling Pay-PerView Matches And Results

Transmitting on free really expensive Pay-Per-View, cable, internet, and CB Radio, the Mighty Superstar Wrestling Federation's latest pay-per-view, Summer of CRASH-SMASH-BASH-OOOF-OUCH-AARGH!!, emanated from the languorously locus of superbness, a.k.

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Funny story: Trump Agrees to Ban Assault Weapons for Shooting Stars

Trump Agrees to Ban Assault Weapons for Shooting Stars

In the wake of yet another mass shooting, pressured to enact tougher gun regulations, United States President Donald Trump agreed to back legislation completely banning the purchase and sale of assault weapons to or from shooting stars. Explaining...

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Funny story: Royal Family to spend Xmas on Olly Murs's big face, say Palace.

Royal Family to spend Xmas on Olly Murs's big face, say Palace.

Buckingham Palace last night revealed that Her Majesty the Queen, along with The Duke of Edinburgh and other prominent members of the royal family, will this year be spending the Christmas period on the enormous face of pop icon, Olly Murs. A Pala...

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Funny story: Child Tells Noisy Dad To Turn His Music Down

Child Tells Noisy Dad To Turn His Music Down

A 56-year-old man listening to music upstairs in his home was the victim of his killjoy children yesterday, when one of them bawled at the top of her voice for him to turn the volume down. Moys Kenwood was 'giving it loads' whilst listening to 'Th...

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Funny story: Business News: Goldman Sachs employees to be allowed to carry out duties with their cocks out

Business News: Goldman Sachs employees to be allowed to carry out duties with their cocks out

In a surprise move, the international banking giant, Goldman Sachs, has announced that their recent initiative to introduce a more relaxed dress code is to be extended to allow male employees to have their cocks hanging out during working hours at th...

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Funny story: Tim the Forgetful Badger

Tim the Forgetful Badger

Tim is a Forgetful Badger. Say hello, Tim. .... He forgot to say Hello. Tim went to the park with his friends. There was Geoffroy the Gerbil, Willy the Weasel, Sally the Stoat, and Friðþjófr the Frog. They played ball. Willy threw...

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Funny story: Comparing Bill Clinton's Situation To Donald Trump's

Comparing Bill Clinton's Situation To Donald Trump's

Comparing Bill Clinton to Trump Is like comparing Sinbad, the Sailor to Trump. Two different characters and situations. But Democrats keep saying: We can’t impeach Donald Trump because remember what happened when the Republicans tried to impeach Bill...

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Funny story: Angry, Controlling, Sports-Obsessed, Bullheaded Psychotic Piece Of Shit Finally Earns Master's Degree In Educational Administration

Angry, Controlling, Sports-Obsessed, Bullheaded Psychotic Piece Of Shit Finally Earns Master's Degree In Educational Administration

Portage County, Wisconsin. Much to the chagrin and horror of his colleagues at Lincoln Central High School, 46-year-old psychotic piece of shit, Aaron Michaels, successfully completed all of the testing that was needed in order to gain his Master's...

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Funny story: Brooklyn Man Realizes It's Not His Mother to Blame for All His Problems; It's His Father

Brooklyn Man Realizes It's Not His Mother to Blame for All His Problems; It's His Father

With the help of decades of therapy to turn around his addiction, self-esteem, and abandonment issues while trying to avoid being consumed with resentment at his narcissistic, manipulative mother for causing all his problems, 33-year-old Nate Wagoner...

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