Trump Declares Himself King of the Jews

Written by Brett Taylor

Monday, 26 August 2019

image for Trump Declares Himself King of the Jews
Laurel wreaths are now a big topic of Twitter discussion.

President Trump is doubling down on his stance toward Jewish voters. Last week, the president stirred controversy when he implied that Jews who vote Democrat are "disloyal." "I think any Jewish people that vote for a Democrat," he said, "I think it shows either a total lack of knowledge or great disloyalty."


The president appeared for today's press conference in a toga and a laurel wreath. Most reporters were too startled by this new look to say much of anything, and hushed silence was the prevailing tone as the president strode onto the White House lawn, and approached the podium. "I know my remarks about Jews have been taken out of context," he began, "and I want to clear up any misunderstanding. Today, I am declaring myself King of the Jews, and I want to extend the olive branch of peace to all Jewish subjects who wish to attain my forgiveness. I want to be the greatest leader they have ever known, so long as they do not irritate me with any further shows of disloyalty."

The president announced a sweeping new plan that will offer Jews a chance to prove their loyalty by signing a new Presidential Blood Oath: "The idea is to make it easier for the government to separate the two groups. I want to be kind to the loyal Jews. The other ones, not so much. Because they are bad. Very, very bad. At the same time, I want to show mercy toward them, because that's the kind of guy I am. A very good man. And so I want to help the Jews who have less knowledge, to help them get a better education. That's why I'll be clearing out some spaces at the detention centers at the border. I expect to have a lot of space there soon, and any Jew who wants a chance to get a better understanding of things will be given a chance to go to one of these exciting new education centers, completely free of charge. There is no reason for them to disobey my orders. I am the King of Israel. I should be, because I am the least anti-Semitic person you have ever seen in your life."

One reporter attempted to grill the president for specifics on his new plan, but Trump was not interested in elaborating. Instead, he gave the thumbs down salute, and the reporter was quickly escorted off the lawn.

Much of the media attention focused on the president's new outfit. The New York Times ran an article called "The President's Bold New Outfit." Many twitter followers pronounced themselves impressed by their leader's new sartorial choice. "Why can't the media focus more on the positive things about this president?" asked one. At the moment, it seems like the fashion debate is making Americans forget about the whole Jewish question. Either way, it's certainly an interesting new chapter in the Donald Trump saga, and sure to have an impact on the next presidential election, should there be one.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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