Priti Patel Vows To Make Criminals Terrified Of The Law

Written by Monkey Woods

Saturday, 3 August 2019

image for Priti Patel Vows To Make Criminals Terrified Of The Law
She jolly well means business, you know!

New Home Secretary, Priti Patel, has said that criminals should be made "terrified of the law", and that she wants them to:

"literally feel terror".

Patel told anyone who would listen, that:

"The Conservative Party is the party of law and order, and, by Jiminy, we're jolly well going to demonstrate that to those who just can't behave themselves!"

She has promised 20,000 new police officers on the streets of Britain to tackle crime, and to empower them to make wrongdoers afraid.

This is a lot of police officers, and is almost as many as the 21,752 officers the Conservatives have cut since they came to power.

It leaves an overall deficit of only 1,752 officers.

It seems that Priti has been busy. Just by thinking alone in her bedroom late at night with her books and colouring pencils, but without help from anyone else, she has already come up with a whole range of means with which to make criminals terrified of the law. These include:

the birch
the stocks
keel-hauling
the lash
the rack
the cat o' nine tails
the ducking stool


For more 'serious' offences, she proposes:

death by stoning
death by firing squad
death by electric chair
death by hanging
death by hanging, drawing and quartering
being fed to lions

Her ideas have already been criticised, and described as "medieval" and "barbaric", but she's a woman, and you know how hard it is to get them to reconsider once they've made their minds up!

Reacting to Prime Minister Boris Johnson's clever play on words that:

"she's not just a pretty face",

one social commentator responded:

"She not even a pretty face!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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