Geneva: This afternoon, drug manufacturer Hoffman La Roche, most notably famous for bringing the wildly popular pharmaceutical Lysergic acid diethylamide to market (we all know it as LSD, windowpane, double domes, etc.), announced the formation of a new subsidiary to mass market strychnine and curare.
Dr. Rostral Sphincter, chief medical technologist for the company, told the sparse collection of reporters, “From the Oklahoma Cleveland County District Court’s ruling yesterday fining Johnson & Johnson $572 million for their role in the US opioid crisis, it is apparent the only prudent thing for our company to do for our shareholders is to immediately begin marketing lethal and toxic drugs to our consumers, in anticipation of extensive litigation. Following the announced ruling against J&J yesterday, the net value of their company rose $15 billion with the stock rising more than 5% in aftermarket trading on the NYSE. We would be derelict in corporate governance if we failed to exploit a like scenario for our investors, and we are projecting a faster response from what was seen in all the delayed opiate lawsuits. Justice delayed is justice denied.”
The reporter from Der Spiegel asked Dr. Sphincter, “Herr Doktor, sind sie jetzt halluzination? TRANSLATION: Doctor, are you tripping right now?”