Harry Maguire The Victim Of Sliding Tackle Near Manchester Arndale Centre

Written by Monkey Woods

Thursday, 15 August 2019

image for Harry Maguire The Victim Of Sliding Tackle Near Manchester Arndale Centre
In action for Hull City, Maguire (seated) tackles Mané with his chest

There was controversy in Manchester's main shopping area yesterday afternoon, when United's new £80million signing, central defender, Harry Maguire, was the victim of a mindless attack from a member of the general public who approached the player at speed, and launched himself into a sliding tackle.

Maguire, 26, was in town shopping with his longtime girlfriend, Fern Hawkins, and was unhurt, as he merely skipped out of the challenge, leaving the tackler on the floor, rolling around in agony after taking the skin off his knee.

Eyewitness, Dave Furniss, said:

"I saw it all. Harry and Fern were walking along Market Street, just under the overhead section, and looking like they were going to go into Boots or something - maybe he was going to get some johnnies, or maybe she was looking for some tampons, or whatever - and this bloke wearing a City shirt comes bolting out of Brown Street, slid in and lunged at Harry."

Another man, John Curmudgeon, said:

"I don't like football."

Janice Walker, who was with her three-year-old triplets, Ryangiggs, Georgebest and Bobbycharlton, said:

"I don't like football either, but my husband does. I like to watch the bulges in the players' shorts. He's dishy, that Harry Maguire!"

Police attended the scene, and gave the injured man a yellow card.

A burly officer told him:

"You're extremely lucky it wasn't red. Now, go on, push off, y'twat!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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