President Trump Says Statistics Do Not Support Concerns Over Shopping Mall Mass Shootings

Written by Monkey Woods

Friday, 9 August 2019

image for President Trump Says Statistics Do Not Support Concerns Over Shopping Mall Mass Shootings
Malls: more-or-less safe, when you look at statistics

President Trump has said that Americans are "worrying unnecessarily" about guns, and says statistics prove they are not likely to die as a result of some nut shooting them down in a bloody killing spree in a shopping mall.

The president's mind was fluttering like a butterfly as he tweeted his every thought last night, when he said that, out of the 47,000 malls across America, only 174 of them had been used as mass shooting venues.

"The evidence supports me in this," he mused.

"You are unlikely to be mercilessly, and randomly, gunned down in a hail of bullets."

Trump also stressed that, although many mass killings do, in fact, take place at shopping malls, these places are safe places to hang out, loiter, or aimlessly drift around for hours on end, eating hamburgers, donuts and ice-cream without a thought or care as to what you are doing there, and finished by saying:

"Mass shootings have been known to have happened at malls, but, in comparison to the vast number of malls in the US, the number of murders is tiny, almost not worth thinking about, and, statistically speaking, a murder in a mall is not likely to happen to you."

Owners of shopping malls across the country flinched.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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