Nashville Man Reluctantly Decides to Go Extinct

Written by Chrissy Benson

Wednesday, 14 August 2019

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The decision to go extinct didn't come easily to him, says Blake Tucker.

"I think it's the responsible thing to do," said Blake Tucker of Nashville, Tennessee, regarding his reluctant decision to go extinct. "The planet can't continue to support my existence. The Tucker line just isn't sustainable."

The decision to go extinct didn't come easily to him, said Blake. "I fought it tooth and nail. My rational brain versus my basest biological urge to spread my seed at any cost. But this was a rare case where my rational brain won out."

He chuckled. "I guess this means I'm evolving. Kind of a waste at this point, unfortunately."

Blake sealed the decision to.go extinct by getting a vasectomy, to prevent him from accidentally procreating. And he's not looking for any loopholes, either.

"I'm not freezing my eggs," he said. "This is truly the end of the line for me."

Unfortunately for the planet, however, Blake wasn't able to talk his cousins, Mike, Cody, Chip, Tanner, Jeb, Trip, Lance, and Grayson, into also going extinct, meaning that the earth will be forced to continue to bear the burden of a burgeoning number of resource-intensive Tucker descendants.

"I showed them the science," said Blake, "but they just couldn't seem to get their heads around it. They're Christian."

Nevertheless, Blake himself feels good about his decision. "Until someone figures out how to recycle me, I see extinction as the only viable option. Not exactly what I imagined for myself as a little kid, but what can you do?"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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