Skeletor Opens Up About Eating Disorder

Funny story written by Jock Reasoning

Friday, 16 August 2019

image for Skeletor Opens Up About Eating Disorder

​Eating disorders have been categorized by calloused individuals as first world problems. Anybody eager to dismiss the seriousness of an eating disorder has never known a person afflicted by the silent disease.

Many powerful people have been known to suffer from these eating afflictions. One such powerful person, Skeletor, has recently found the courage to open up about his ailment. It took him years to muster the courage to speak about his issues.

“I’d say it all began when I met that blasted He-Man,” Skeletor informed us while accepting donations during his fundraiser for Eating Awareness Transformation, an organization designed to promote awareness in the physical transformations victims of eating disorders suffer. The intonation in his voice reached a near shrill when speaking the name of his arch-nemesis.

“I was forced to wear a bodysuit to hide the fact that I was nothing but bones underneath. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t hold anything down. That infernal He-Man was driving me to physical exhaustion,” he bemoaned, filling a bowl full of complimentary protein bars.

“Thankfully,” he started to return to his jovial, calm disposition, “it forced me to take a good, hard look in the mirror and realize I needed to change my lifestyle.”

Donations were coming in by the thousands. Skeletor’s celebrity platform had enabled his voice’s purview to reach far and wide. Men and women stood in line, receiving information on how to recognize and battle this horrible disease.

Three-fourths through the fundraiser, a bell rang out. The entire crowd cheered in celebration. “We’ve reached our goal!! Muhahaha!” Skeletor laughed as only he could. He placed his arm around one of his minions.

“Not so fast, Skeletor!” a voice boomed from the entrance, blocking the door, preventing other patrons from entering. It was He-Man. Skeletor’s bony jaw dropped. “You think I’m going to let you get away with this?”

“Get away with what? I’m simply trying to…”

“You can’t deceive me with your lies, Skeletor,” He-Man approached, barreling through the crowd. Skeletor’s bones began to rattle underneath his purple robe.

“Sir, how about – “ Skeletor’s minion was abruptly cut off.

“Quiet you fool!” Skeletor yelled, shoving his previously beloved minion to the ground.

“Now, hand over that money, Skeletor.”

“This is for research!” Skeletor shrieked.

“Yea, world domination research!” He-Man roared, puffing his mighty chest out. He slowly removed his giant sword, “C’mon, hand it over.”

Skeletor reached for the bowl of money, deeply concerned over his organization’s fundraising. He-Man leaped through the air and struck Skeletor with his mighty blade. Skeletor dropped the bowl of cash while stumbling to one knee. He raised back up, trembling from an amalgamation of anger and fear.

“Last warning, Skeletor. You make one more move, and I’ll end you,” He-Man threatened.

“I hate you!” Skeletor screamed, snaring the bowl of protein bars before making a run for it, escaping through the back. He-Man, unconcerned over the protein bars, snared the money while storming atop the stage, looking down on the crowd.

“Another dastardly deed thwarted. You are all now free from tyranny.”

We were unable to find Skeletor after the altercation. But we did recover the bowl of protein bars. The bars were gone. All that remained were the wrappers.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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