Scunthorpe Finally Bows To Namechange Pressure

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Saturday, 3 August 2019

image for Scunthorpe Finally Bows To Namechange Pressure
A man in traditional Scunny costume, doing something to a bit of metal

An industrial town in north Lincolnshire has finally succumbed to pressure from residents to undergo a namechange after thousands of local people petitioned the government council to get rid of the 'cunt' from Scunthorpe.

Placenames often change over time - Londinium to London, and New Amsterdam to New York are examples - and are nothing new, but these changes are more frequently due to subtle changes in the language, rather than because there's a rude word contained in them.

Officials from north Lincolnshire council have bent to unceasing pressure from the locals who want to rename the town to reflect its association with steel, Scunthorpe being the centre of Britain's steel manufacturing industry.

Everything in Scunthorpe is made from steel. Bridges, roads, buildings, windows, trees, flowers, books, people's clothes and shoes, napkins, toilet paper, and even bed linen, are all made from steel.

Even the local football team, Scunthorpe United, are nicknamed 'The Iron'.

But the town's name still grates.

Local woman, Barbara Tannoy, said:

"It annoys me when I'm on holiday, and people ask me where I'm from, and when I tell them, they laugh. Then they ask me 'Who put the 'cunt' in Scunthorpe?' It's embarrassing!"

Her husband, Tom, agreed. He said:

"We try to get around it. I tell them that we're from 'Scunny', but, sometimes, that's worse. I mean, it's like, instead of 'cunt', we're saying 'cunny'. I'm not sure which is worse!"

The town appears in the Domesday Book as 'Escumesthorpe', which is almost worse still. It's Old Norse for "Skuma's homestead".

Suggestions for the new name are already pouring in, and include Steeltown, Stealtown, Scuntsteel, Scunnysteel, Steelthorpe, and Scumthorpe, which is the favourite amongst residents of nearby Grimsby.

In related news, Grimsby is also thought to be considering a namechange.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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