UK citizenship tests getting harder

Funny story written by Sir Geoffroy Cockface

Friday, 30 August 2019

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Britain is one of three countries in the world that would be sold to aliens in the event of an invasion from outer space

For years, the Conservative government in the UK has tried unsuccessfully to lower the immigration rate. Now they have a new plan to try to reduce the numbers of Johnny foreigners coming onto our sacred but mucky soil.

In an effort to scare away as many accursed non-Brits as possible, the test to earn UK citizenship has been made harder. Although it is still multiple choice, the test is more obscure and difficult.

Here are some sample questions from the new exam:

1. Which of these is a legal drink in Britain?
a) Coffee
b) Fruit juice
c) Tepid water
d) Tea

2. Who was Prime Minister when Queen Victoria ascended the throne?
a) The Duke of Wellington
b) The 2nd Viscount of Melbourne
c) The Earl of Derby
d) The Earl of Aberdeen

3. What would you find in a Wetherspoons?
a) Friendly people
b) Lively political debate
c) High quality beer
d) The walking dead

4. If you find a dead body in the street, which of these are you allowed to do?
a) Kiss it
b) Eat it
c) Loot it
d) Have sex with it

5. Which of these is slang for a French person?
a) Wop
b) Kraut
c) Frog
d) Diego

6. In the UK, what is the minimum number of units of alcohol an adult man should drink, in pints of beer?
a) 20
b) 40
c) 60
d) 80

7. What is the correct etiquette if the Queen catches you wanking?
a) Ask her to join in
b) Apologise and walk away in shame
c) Kill her so she can't talk
d) Pretend nothing is unusual

1. d) 2. b) 3. d) 4. a) 5. c) 6. b) 7. d)

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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