Epstein autopsy now official at "assisted suicide"

Funny story written by joseph k winter

Thursday, 15 August 2019

image for Epstein autopsy now official at "assisted suicide"
Forensic investigation now turns from Epstein's hand (right) to the more meticulously groomed hand (left)

Although Barbara Sampson, New York's chief medical examiner, has announced the cause of Epstein's death as "pending", inside sources now say an official determination has been reached.

Ms. Sampson stated that no single cause can as yet be determined, although the body has been under examination at least five days since last Saturday.

Today's results indicate Mr. Epstein's hyoid bone was one of several neck bones broken, also common with strangulation cases.

Further anonymous sources from the medical examiner's office indicate authorities are as yet maintaining the "pending" assessment until further clearance from the District Attorney's office and other agencies as to "national security."

Meanwhile, the evidence has mounted toward "suicide" alone as incomplete in view of several discrepancies:

*Mr. Epstein was reported screaming prior to his death;

*His cell was nine feet high with no opportunities to fix bed sheets and hang himself;

*His bed sheets were the quality of paper and would tear under his weight.

The new theory thus runs to "assisted suicide":

*Mr. Epstein was busily strangling himself with his bare hands to produce the variety of broken bones in his neck.

*With failure to succeed at this task, he then screamed for help and brought forth "a good Samaritan."

*Guards normally in charge of checking on him every thirty minutes were instead snoozing due to their overwork schedule.

*Cameras trained on the Epstein cell were at that time undergoing routine maintenance and turned off.

As to why the "good Samaritan" interpretation, authorities believe that with the job nearly completed, a person stopping by believed it was "his Christian duty" to commit a "mercy killing."

This person has been retired to Saudi Arabia where he is under the protection of Mohammed Bin Salman and his BSS (bone saw squadron).

A long list of celebrities and highly placed persons in the ranks of the most wealthy, associated with Mr. Epstein on his island and the Lolita Express, have stepped forward with a joint statement.

"We imprecate the court systems and numerous victims of Mr. Epstein and his clients to now, at long last, let this atrocity go."

"Let our nation return to its role as world leader and exceptional nation."

"Besides that, our lawyers are working overtime, and very well paid, to make sure justice is done."

"And that we stay out of jail."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics



Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Subscribe…
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more