Low-Budget Ancestry Analysis Links Ryan Adams and Bryan Adams as Half-Brothers

Written by Chrissy Benson

Thursday, 1 August 2019

image for Low-Budget Ancestry Analysis Links Ryan Adams and Bryan Adams as Half-Brothers
While you can't put a price on family, Ryan Adams got a deal with affordable ancestry analysis service Budget Bloodlines.

Thanks to the miracles of modern-day ancestry analysis through specialty service www.BudgetBloodlines.web, musicians Bryan Adams of Canada, and Ryan Adams of the United States, were informed that they are half-brothers, related through their common father.

"I already had one little brother, but now I feel double-lucky to have two," said Bryan, who is older than Ryan by exactly five years; the two were born on the same day, five years apart. "It's like a dream come true. We could've been having birthday parties together all this time!"

Ryan, who located Bryan on Facebook after getting the ancestry results from Budget Bloodlines, was similarly delighted to learn about his paternal relation. "Since I lost my big brother, Chris, in 2017, finding out I have another one means the world to me. To think I used to get so annoyed when people confused me with Bryan Adams. And come to find out he's my brother!"

It's stories like that of Bryan and Ryan that make his work so rewarding, says Budget Bloodlines president Rex Miller. "We feel very strongly that these services should be accessible to everyone," said Miller. To that end, rather than ask customers to pay top dollar for pricey biological testing, Budget Bloodlines utilizes innovative investigative techniques like gleaning personal interests from social media and analyzing public records for shared surnames in order to determine people's likely relations. "You'd be surprised how much you can learn from someone's last name," noted Miller.

Of course, as professional songwriters, Ryan and Bryan also share a kinship of another sort, in music: In fact, in 2002, at a concert in Nashville, Ryan made tabloid news when he cussed out a fan for requesting that he play a Bryan Adams tune. "At the time, of course, I had no idea Bryan was my half-brother," said Ryan. "If I'd known that, I probably would've reacted a lot differently."

Now that they do know, however, Ryan and Bryan look forward to enjoying their mutual pastime together.

"Distance is a factor, but we're going to try to meet and hopefully set up a jam," said Bryan. "Maybe I can show my little brother a few tricks."

When asked what he makes of the sexual misconduct allegations that have been floating around about Ryan Adams, Bryan Adams would make no comment other than to say that he is standing by his brother.

Ryan, in turn, says that he appreciates his brother's loyalty more than words can say. "I'm so glad I did the Budget Bloodlines analysis. It's given me a whole new family. You can't put a price on that." He chuckled and added, "Although in this case, we got a deal!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more