Jeffrey Epstein 'Suicide' Is "Sketchy At Best", Says Criminal Network

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Sunday, 11 August 2019

image for Jeffrey Epstein 'Suicide' Is "Sketchy At Best", Says Criminal Network
Some twine, in a lovely shade of green, earlier

The death in custody of financier, and alleged sex pest, Jeffrey Epstein, could not have happened completely by his own hand, according to the criminal underground.

Epstein was found lifeless in his cell yesterday, and his corpse was rushed to a Manhattan hospital through busy streets packed with traffic, and pronounced dead there, so that the exact whereabouts of his having 'passed over to the other side' will forever remain unclear.

Several members of the criminal fraternity 'on the outside', however, have said that Epstein would have been under sterile conditions and monitored around the clock, and that he could not have killed himself.

Chicago mob associate, Sam Balotelli, said:

"Ain't no way that dude coulda done it himself. Not without some 'help' from the staff anyways."

And in New York, 'Sicilian' Tony Cornetto, said:

"The guy was murdered. Without a doubt. Suicide? Sketchy - at best."

Police - who have already been told the results of their investigation - are pretending to investigate how a man under high security surveillance could strangle himself without being interrupted, and without any assistance in the tugging of cord around his larynx, a well-known stumbling block to those trying to end their own lives.

Especially in rooms that have nothing to which a cord could be attached, such as light fittings, furniture, or door handles, and, most especially, without cord.

Speculation has begun to circulate that Epstein, himself, may have organized his own demise, by greasing the palms of several people - including the warden - of the New York facility where he was being held.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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