King Boris Dismisses Parliament

Wednesday, 28 August 2019

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Boris will be the first usurper of the crown since genocidal maniac Oliver Cromwell

New UK PM, Boris Johnson, has asked Parliament to dissolve, calling it "undemocratic and inconvenient". Instead he will rule as a new monarch, having also dissolved Queen Elizabeth II in a vat of acid.

From now on, the PM will be known as King Boris I. Boris is hoping to also add "the Great" to his name, but has been persuaded not to by Lord Jacob Rees-Mogg the Rich, who thought it would be immodest to add it so soon.

A spokesman for King Boris I said that, for too long, Parliament had been an anchor tying the country down. "Democracy sounds nice," said Geoff O'Cratt, "but really it just undermines what the leader wants to do. Those who would oppose us should be crushed, not appeased."

As King, Boris's first act will be to negotiate a Brexit deal with the EU. He will do this by asking for the impossible - with no idea how to replace the Irish backstop or how to gain access to the European single market without keeping freedom of movement or paying, he will resort to blubbering and fluffing his way through.

Nevertheless, Eurosceptic MPs are already blaming Boris's negotiating incompetence on EU stubbornness, and the UK will likely crash out of the EU without a deal in October. What happens after that is anyone's guess, as Britain descends into chaos and international pariah status, while all who dare oppose the new King are silenced. Jeremy Corbyn has already been placed top of a list of traitors to be hanged.

Once the King's enemies are gone, there should be a great future for Boris I. He has already formed a close bond with his best friend, Emperor Trump, and without the shackles of the EU they will bring the world into a new age of prosperity and happiness through fascism.

Hail our glorious white leaders! Hail their pastiness!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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