In a shocking turn of events today that’s sure to shake the world the famous theoretical physicist and professor of physics at the University of California, Berkeley, J. Robert Oppenheimer, was discovered to never once have performed a sweet 180-kickflip on a skateboard.
The news has devastated the science community and baffled historians.
“How could one so complex, a man of both great genius and widespread influence, not even once have done such a simple stunt? It must’ve been his biggest regret in life,” said professor R.M. Fizzlewig, moments before resigning his teaching post in order to hang at the skate park and smoke grass with David “Skinny” Malone.
“I mean, 'I am become death, destroyer of worlds' is a cool quote and all, but I started destroying these half pipes when I was twelve,” said local skateboarding legend and unemployed vagrant, Skyler Tanner.
The Congress of the United States of America is now considering removing all references of the scientist from the history books, and frankly just claiming Tony Hawk created Fat Man.
Oppenheimer could not be reached for comment, as he has been dead for several years, and when I exhumed the corpse there were several maggots and a quite disgusting odor.
Please read our column every week, next time we are doing an in-depth report on how you can bail out your local reporter who’s been charged with graverobbing.