Harry Maguire Signs Affidavit Not To Let Jamie Vardy Score On September 14th

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Tuesday, 6 August 2019

image for Harry Maguire Signs Affidavit Not To Let Jamie Vardy Score On September 14th
The Theatre of Dreams' seats this morning

New Manchester United defender, Harry Maguire, who signed for the Reds from Leicester City for £80million on Monday, has signed a second legal document, an affidavit with the club's solicitors affirming that, when his new club meet his old club at Old Trafford on September 14th, he will absolutely not allow his former teammate, Jamie Vardy, to run through unopposed, and score a goal.

Maguire, who became the most expensive defender in the world, was made to sign the affidavit when it was revealed that the Leicester striker and Maguire are best friends, with some even hinting that the pair were former Sheffield gang members in their youth.

One ex-gang member, Barry Dagger, who was with The Parson Cross Crew between 1995 and 2010, when he accidentally cut his finger, said:

"They were always playing football together. A right pair, they were!"

Another former S3 gang member who refused to give his name, said:

"They were as thick as thieves, them two. It came as no surprise to me to learn they'd both become footballers and ended up playing for the same team. The writing was on the wall - nothing good ever comes from kicking a ball about."

Maguire says there is no need for promises and paperwork, and that he intends to give his all to United's Premier League challenge and push for European trophies, but boss Ole Gunnar Solskjaer says it's better to be safe than sorry:

"We know they were big pals at Leicester, and possibly before that, and it's best not to put temptation in a player's way. We've nailed a copy of the affidavit to the dressing room wall, and expect him to hustle, niggle, grab, grip, grapple, obstruct, impede, bodycheck, climb all over the shoulders of, hack at the ankles of, and mercilessly scythe down Jamie Vardy at every opportunity he gets, whilst, of course, staying within the rules of the game."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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