Jeffrey Epstein 'Suicide Watch' Explained

Written by Monkey Woods

Monday, 12 August 2019

image for Jeffrey Epstein 'Suicide Watch' Explained
Thank you for taking care of that nasty Epstein business for us.

Following intense criticism of the US prison authorities for allowing disgraced financier Jeffrey Epstein to take his own life in his cell, even after having been on a Suicide Watch, the warden at the facility has spoken out to explain what a 'Suicide Watch' actually entails.

Warden Gorden Jordan said:

"It's quite simple. A Suicide Watch is a bit like 'Birdwatch', where ornithologists get together, seclude themselves in long grass, and hide behind bushes, from where they observe the birds in their natural habitats. In a Suicide Watch, interested parties are invited to observe a suicide risk go through the process of melting himself down into a state of frenzy and utter desperation over what he has done, and then committing the final act of his sad, tragic life."

But others said that this was not the correct interpretation of the term.

One social commentator said:

"A Suicide Watch is the constant monitoring, with the closest possible scrutiny, of any individual who has given indication that he might take his own life, or cause himself some life-threatening injury."

Warden Jordan responded:

"Yes, yes, that's what I meant to say."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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