There were 284 spoof news stories published in September 2019. A selection of the most popular stories is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get news stories from a day in this month.
Harry Maguire Under Investigation After Making Phone Call To Jamie Vardy
Manchester United and England centre-half, Harry Maguire, is in hot water this evening, after he was discovered making a telephone call to his former teammate at Leicester City, Jamie Vardy. Maguire and Vardy were best friends at Filbert Street, w...
Read full storyHarry Maguire: Arsenal Might Be Ole Gunnar Solskjaer's Last Match In Charge
The Premier League season is only six matches old, yet we already find ourselves speculating on who the first managerial casualty will be, and, with Manchester United hosting Arsenal on Monday night at Old Trafford, is it possible that Ole Gunnar Sol...
Read full storyHarry Maguire Wins National Lottery
In a story almost too unbelievable to be believed, the Manchester United and England centre-half, Harry Maguire's namesake, Mr. H Maguire of Manchester, has won the National Lottery jackpot this weekend. Mr. Maguire, whose first name - coincidenta...
Read full storyHarry Maguire Signing Was "The Last Straw", Says Alexis Sanchez
Alexis Sanchez, the Manchester United striker, who has signed a season-long loan deal with Italian giants, Inter Milan, has said his decision to leave Old Trafford was finally taken when manager Ole Gunnar Solskjaer bought Harry Maguire for £80millio...
Read full storyHarry Maguire Suspended Indefinitely For Playing With Inflated Balls
BILLINGSGATE POST: Harry Maguire, the most expensive defender in world football, has been suspended after Manchester United fought to a 1-1 draw with lightly regarded Southampton yesterday. After challenging his team to improve their performance...
Read full storyHarry Maguire performs famous Dragonball move during training, injuring three teammates
Yesterday during a training session at Old Trafford, star Man Utd defender performed the famous 'Kamehameha' in a mock attempt to stop Daniel James' shot. Unbeknownst to tbe defender, a real beam of light actually shot out and hit three other play...
Read full storyHarry Maguire Diagnosed With Terminal Katsaridaphobia: Future Uncertain
BILLINGSGATE POST: Harry Maguire has vowed never to play again at Old Trafford until the cockroaches infesting the locker rooms have been equipped with safety helmets. As reported yesterday by crack reporter Monkey Woods, the Manchester United defen…
Read full storyHarry Maguire: It Would Be Nice To End My Career Winning Trophies At City
Harry Maguire, the Manchester United central defender, has dropped a veritable bombshell in the lap of Reds' boss, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, by saying that, although he is currently enjoying life at Old Trafford, he would like to end his career winning t...
Read full storyH&M To Consider Namechange After Confusion With Famous Footballer
The fashion clothing retailer, H&M, are said to be considering a namechange for their brand, after it was revealed that many of their customers are under the impression that the company is run by the Manchester United and England central defender...
Read full storyJurgen Klopp Set For Liverpool Exit?
Liverpool manager, Jurgen Klopp, has aroused speculation amongst fans that he harbours a secret desire to become a ventriloquist, and has had a mouthful of new teeth fitted to help him to achieve his goal. Klopp was being interviewed by the BBC's...
Read full story1970s TV That Everyone Loves But Can't Remember
OK, another pointless clickbait list. Please join me in rushing home from school to watch one of these classics of British TV back when it was just mediocre, as opposed to unwatchable garbage: 1. The Persuaders Tony Curtis and Roger Moore t...
Read full storyHarry Maguire To Participate In General Election
Harry Maguire, the 26-year-old Manchester United centre-half, who became the costliest defender in the world when he signed for the Old Trafford club from Leicester City, has announced he will stand as an independent candidate against Boris Johnson i...
Read full storyHarry Maguire In Tears After Insults From Leicester City Fans
He may be a rock at the heart of the Manchester United defensive unit, but centre-half, Harry Maguire, is also human, and the player has, today, touchingly told of how he wept openly after fans of his former club, Leicester City, hurled insults at hi...
Read full storyDonald Trump Releases His Highlight Reel and Requires all His Followers to Buy it and Watch it Daily
A new object in every Republican's DVD player will be the President's new highlight reel, released in a huge ceremony on Thursday. President Trump is explaining to his followers that if they don't buy the DVD, then they are just aiding the enemy.
Read full storyTrump locked and loaded for possible meeting with Rouhani next week in New York
Today Mr. Trump asserted he is not looking for a meeting with Iran’s Rouhani next week at the UN General Assembly. Mr. Rouhani, meanwhile, on Monday said he would not meet with Trump in New York. Nevertheless, Mr. Trump plans to be carrying, wi...
Read full storyTrump Has Deployed Troops To Hotels and Golf Courses All Over the World in Latest Emergency
Mir-A-Lago, FL President Trump announced in a tweet early Thursday morning that he would be deploying troops to various spots around the world due to a top-secret emergency. Some of the locations include Mumbai, India, Rio de Janeiro in Brazil, M...
Read full storyBoris Johnson Admits That He Is A Right Cunt
In an extraordinary impromptu press conference held outside 10 Downing Street just minutes ago, Prime Minister Boris Johnson has said that he doesn't want a snap General Election, Britain will leave the EU on 31 October, and that, without any shadow...
Read full storyMr. Bojangles Trudeau
BILLINGSGATE POST: “I knew a man, Bojangles and he danced for you in worn out shoes.....” Justin Bojangles Trudeau - Has a nice ring to it, huh? Think he ever knew how comforting worn out shoes felt? He wore velvet slippers instead. “Silv...
Read full storySis-Boom-Bah: What Does A Sheep Sound Like When It Explodes?
BILLINGSGATE POST: It’s noteworthy that Dr. Billingsgate is deviating from his successful Harry Maguire formula that has brought him fame and fortune. However, exploding sheep may have a greater cult following in England than the overpaid Manchester...
Read full storyHarry Maguire is unlockable as new character in Minecraft Earth
Mojang has recently announced the launch of its new game, Minecraft Earth. The game provides a new light on the Minecraft gaming world, and recently, Mojang has also become the newest sponsor of Manchester United. Because of this, Mojang have als...
Read full storyTheresa May in new opera: “Schadenfreude in the Afternoon”
Ms. May is reported heavily engaged in rehearsals for the new opera, due to open in London October 31. At the same time, a melange of parliamentarians is re-thinking Mr. Johnson’s call for a new election. They suggest voters be offered the fol...
Read full storyThe Billionaires Of The World Record a Remake Of Micheal Jackson's 'We Are The World'.
The Billionaires Of The World Record a Remake Of Micheal Jackson's 'We Are The World'. (A Very Different Version) Mark Zuckerberg had a brainstorm one evening. A fervent brainstorm. One so strong that he called all the other top billionaires in…
Read full storyQueen Demands The Head Of Boris Johnson
There was controversy-upon-controversy in Westminster this morning, when, after the UK Supreme Court ruled that Prime Minister Boris Johnson had acted unlawfully when he asked Her Majesty the Queen, on August 28, to suspend Parliament, the Queen, Her...
Read full storyThe FDA orders vape juice to taste like fecal matter in light of youth vaping crisis
To stem the tide of youth smokers and those using vaping products such as Juul devices, the FDA will be adding numerous new regulations for cigarettes and vaping products. In addition to banning menthol cigarettes to help reduce the number of youth a...
Read full storyWhy Talk To The Monkey When You Can Talk To The Organ Grinder?
BILLINGSGATE POST: Actually, what former British Prime Minister Winston Churchill was quoted to have said was: “Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.” Accordingly; why should anyone in their right mind tak...
Read full storyJoe Biden Replaced with Shape-Shifting Space Reptile?
NEW YORK - Viewers noticed a "Strange Red Eye" as Joe Biden appeared at CNN Town Hall on "Climate Crisis" for Democrat Presidential Candidates. Lately, the former Vice President under the Barack Obama White House has had difficulty remembering places...
Read full storyHarry Maguire Is Going To Teach Those Cockney Bastards, West Ham, A Lesson
As Manchester United get ready for their important Premier League clash with West Ham United at Upton Park tomorrow (kick-off 2:00pm), centre-half Harry Maguire has spoken to reporters ahead of the game, warning the Hammers that, if they trifle with...
Read full storyHarry Maguire England Captain For Bulgaria Game
Harry Maguire has been named as England captain for the European Championship qualifier against Bulgaria at Wembley on Saturday (17:00 BST). Maguire, 26, will lead the national team out for the first time, as they bid to continue their great start...
Read full storyVatican Scientists Clone Jesus from Communion Wafer
The Vatican—Pope Francis today unveiled a ten-year-old Jesus whom, he explained, was cloned from a consecrated communion wafer blessed by Mother Theresa. The Vatican, to avoid too much publicity for the ten-year-old god, had kept the cloning under w...
Read full storyHarry Maguire And Mason Greenwood Have Become Great Friends
It's always nice when someone more experienced takes a younger person 'under his wing', and 'shows him the ropes', and that is precisely what has happened at Manchester United, with central defender, Harry Maguire, looking out for teenage striker, Ma...
Read full storyWas Hitler an alien?
It is one of the greatest questions of modern science: was Nazi dictator and moustache model, Adolf Hitler, actually an alien from outer space? Many believe he was. Geoff Derp from the University of Dusseldorf has recently completed a study of eve...
Read full storyTrump Promises to Be the Eye of Present and Future Hurricanes
Pledging to help Americans and even Puerto Ricans remain calm in the face of the severe storms that are more and more frequently battering the United States for no particular reason, President Donald Trump promised to be the "eye" of present and futu...
Read full storyHarry Maguire Female Fans Plan To Sling Their Knickers Onto Old Trafford Pitch
Manchester United's Harry Maguire has caused a panic after announcing that he would play Saturday's match against his former club, Leicester City, at Old Trafford, wearing with no underpants. His words prompted members of his female fanclub to res...
Read full storyGreta Thunberg Is Falling Behind At School
Greta Thunberg, the 16-year-old Swedish environmental activist on climate change, who consistently takes time off from school to carry on her work, has been told by her school that she is falling behind others in her class, and needs to address the s...
Read full storyDonald Trump Inivtes Harry Maguire To Assist With Taliban Talks At Camp David
In a Sunday morning twitter storm, President Donald J Trump announced that he has asked leaders of the Taliban, Afghan government and Harry Maguire of the United Kingdom to join him at Camp David. Nobody in the White House could immediately explai...
Read full storyMason Greenwood To Be Wrapped In Cotton Wool
Mason Greenwood, the 17-year-old Manchester United striker, is to be wrapped in cotton wool, in order that the precocious talent might avoid getting injured. Greenwood showed extreme maturity, last night, in scoring United's only goal in their 1-0...
Read full storyHarry Maguire Named In Yak Palimony Suit
BILLINGSGATE POST: Details are irrelevant. But it seems that ever since he was suspended from Manchester United for playing with his under-Inflated balls, things have gone down hill for the beleaguered Maguire. The domestic yak (Bos grunniens) i...
Read full storyHarry Maguire Commemorative Stamp To Be Issued By Royal Mail
Royal Mail have announced that, due to the extraordinary public interest in the Manchester United and England central defender, Harry Maguire, they are to issue a special commemorative stamp featuring the player, with a postage rate value of 80p.
Read full storyHarry Maguire A Marked Man
Manchester United and England central defender, Harry Maguire, has revealed the pressure he is under to perform at the highest level, and that petty jealousies - particularly about his salary - have aroused anger in other players, and made him a mark...
Read full storyUnited States to Annex State of Anxiety
Not to be deterred by his failed bid to purchase Greenland, United States President, Donald Trump, recently announced that the nation will be annexing the 51st state - specifically, the state of Anxiety. "Rich in natural resources like indigenous...
Read full storyFootball Running Back Alleges He Had His Balls Fondled During Sexual Assault
A football running back has made a serious claim that his testicles were interfered with by one player in a game last weekend, and that a second player attempted to give him a blow job. Hank Stonker, running back for the San Bernardino Shitehawks,...
Read full storyDonald Trump Buys Greenland So That He Can Be King Of Something.
President Extraordinaire, Donald Trump, has bought the entire island of Greenland from the Danish government. At first, the Danes were not happy at parting with a vast piece of property roughly 50 times the size of their own native homeland of Denm...
Read full storyHarry Maguire Sustains Wrist Injury
Just when England needed him to stay fit, Manchester United centre-half, Harry Maguire, has reported he has sprained his wrist 'at home'. He didn't elaborate any further. Maguire, 26, has hardly been out of the news since his £80million summer...
Read full storyTrump Suspends the Laws of Science
Mar-A-Lago, FL Declaring martial law on scientists, President Donald Trump suspended all the rules of Science and forbade anyone to use or follow them until the ban is lifted. Trump would only say that it was a matter of national security. "It se...
Read full storyLocal Man Informed Reality Show "Amazing Race" Not About How "Amazing" White People Are - Demands Networks Be More Literal
Wahoo, Nebraska - A local man here was surprised when infomed that the reality show "Amazing Race" had nothing to do with how great white people are, and is lobbying to force networks to be less deceitful and name their shows according to their true...
Read full storyFireman Sam Fired for being too Welsh Say BBC
The well known and loved children's program "Fireman Sam" has been cancelled by the BBC on the grounds that nobody outside the M25 understands it. "He never drinks a soya latte, and doesn't know what quinoia is," claimed a lesbian from the BBC.
Read full storyMan Fell Off Bus
News is just reaching us about an incident in the Thai capital of Bangkok, where a man alighting from an air-conditioned public transport bus came a cropper, and not so much 'got off' it, as 'fell off it'. The man, who may never be identified, was...
Read full storyHarry Maguire To Bat At Number 11, If Needed
Harry Maguire, the Manchester United central defender who cost the Red Devils £80million when he made a summer switch from Leicester City, has said he will switch sports completely this afternoon, and bat as last man for the England cricket team, in...
Read full storyTropical Storm Humberto - A Danger To Young Girls
Tropical Storm Humberto has gained strength overnight, and is likely to be reclassified as a hurricane this morning, according to a tweet posted just minutes ago by President Donald Trump. Mr Trump also stated that Hurricane Humberto would be a da...
Read full storyMan Decided To Have A Garden Fire And Put A Lot Of Aerosol Cans On It To See What Would Happen
A man who had nothing better to do at the weekend, decided to have a fire in his back garden, and put some old, empty aerosol cans he had in his garage, on the fire, to see what would happen. Moys Kenwood had the idea whilst looking at a can of ae...
Read full storyHarry Maguire To Appear In Final Star Wars Movie
The light-speed emergence into the world of entertainment of Manchester United central defender, Harry Maguire, has not gone unnoticed in Hollywood, and earlier today, it was revealed by Lucasfilm and Bad Robot Productions that the footballer is to m...
Read full storyHarry Maguire Implicated In Huge Betting Scandal
Police are looking into a huge betting scandal in the wake of the England football team's 5-3 victory over Kosovo in Southampton last night, with central defender Harry Maguire being the focus of their investigation. Maguire, it was, who dithered…
Read full storyHarry Maguire To Join Maharishi Mahesh Yogi To Save World From Monkey Woods
BILLINGSGATE POST: Intrigued by the techniques of Transcendental Meditation, Harry Maguire visited the Maharishi’s training camp in Rishikesh, India during a break in competition after Manchester United was ignominiously tied 1-1 by second tier Sout...
Read full storyDNC worried about upcoming debate question: “What is the sound of one hand clapping?”
According to insider sources, the Democratic National Convention’s favorite candidate at this time is Joe Biden, as the most suitable replacement for Hillary Clinton. However, due to what happened in 2016, the DNC is nervous. Despite the DNC's...
Read full storyHarry Maguire To Have Beans On Toast For Tea On Wednesday Night
Harry Maguire, the Manchester United central defender that people just can't stop talking about, is scheduled to have beans on toast for his tea on Wednesday evening, if the word of his girlfriend, Fern Hawkins, is anything to go by. Maguire, 26,...
Read full storyPuff Piece on Clouds Works on Multiple Levels
Touting the wonders of nature and the environment while avoiding any mention of global warming, a puff piece on clouds featured on the front page of the Miami Daily Record succeeded on mutiple levels. "It went into how clouds look so fluffy and ma...
Read full storyFaith Healing Rebrands as Holistic Health Remedy
Turning around a near-century-long slump in new customer acquisitions, proponents of healing via faith, prayer, and the laying of hands have successfully rebranded their variety of spiritual ministration as a holistic health remedy. "There's no re...
Read full storyHarry Maguire In 'Hit And Run' Incident
Harry Maguire, the Manchester United and England central defender who crashed into Old Trafford after an £80million summer transfer from Leicester City, has been involved in a 'hit and run' incident. Maguire, 26, was playing in his usual centre-ha...
Read full storyBoris Johnson Meets Barbara Windsor About Dementia, But There Is Confusion Over Which Of The Two Has Been More Severely Affected
Prime Minister, Boris Johnson took time off from driving the country nearer to destruction this afternoon, when he met with former EastEnders actress, Barbara Windsor, for a discussion on dementia. Introductions went well, but, during the meeting,...
Read full storyCustomer Finds Just What She's Looking For To Get Rid Of Grandad's Spunk Stain
A Weston-super-Mare woman searching for a particular kind of cleaning product for her bathroom was surprised and overjoyed to discover it lurking on the shelves in a local store, this morning. Sally Butterfield had had her grandparents over to sta...
Read full storyObesity Linked To Diet Choices
A study into the causes of obesity has concluded that the condition is almost certainly linked to whatever sufferers have stuffed down their gullets. The five-minute study undertaken by four men in a west Hull pub found that excessive bingeing on...
Read full storyHumberto Headed to Alabama Says Donald Trump!
Donald Trump, sharpie in hand, made some bold predictions today about Tropical Storm Humberto. Shouldered by two new "official" White House meteorologists, Trump placed a map on a tripod and began drawing with his sharpie. He created several rings fr...
Read full storyMap of Hurricane Dorian Shows Trump Abuse of Power
WASHINGTON DC - Democrats are certain that they now have the evidence to impeach President Trump, because of the NOAA weather map of Hurricane Dorian from August 29th. Every meteorologist and a former Canadian Prime Minister had 100% certainty that a...
Read full storyManchester United Back To Their Brilliant Best After Rochdale Win
Ole Gunnar Solskjaer's Manchester United showed why they are the most famous club in football, as they outgrafted, outshone, and outsmarted League One minnows, Rochdale Hornets, in last night's Carabao Cup tie at Old Trafford, easily winning 5-3 on p...
Read full storyFrog Squashed After Shoe Came Down Heavily On It
A man who was walking along without a care in the world, minding his own business, has revealed how he caused the death of a frog by standing on it. The man, who wishes to remain anonymous because of his fear of reprisals from Animal Rights enthus...
Read full storyHarry Maguire: Why Tulza Tuzon, Aka HAF-AND-HAF, Hates Him
BILLINGSGATE POST: Tulza Tuzon, a.k.a. Haf-and-Haf, is still pissed that Harry Maguire left Leicester for Man Utd in the summer transfer window. It didn’t help that when he faced his old club for the first time since the move, Maguire’s new team eke...
Read full storyMason Greenwood: Is He The New Harry Maguire?
They're two entirely different players playing in different positions, from different backgrounds and with different ages, builds and skin colours, and, in many ways, couldn't be more different, so it's a surprise to many people that Mason Greenwood...
Read full storyOle Gunnar Solskjaer To Undergo Surgery On His Furrowed Brow
News coming out of Old Trafford this morning, is that Manchester United coach, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, is to go into hospital later this week for surgery on his furrowed brow, which, at times, looks as if he is keeping snakes in his forehead. Solskj...
Read full storyHealth-Conscious Trucker Starts Smoking Standing Up
Heeding warnings that sitting is the new smoking, Henry Larkins,, a long-distance truck driver living in Nashville, Tennessee, ditched his habit of smoking cigarettes while sitting on his back porch and now instead smokes while standing up. "I kno...
Read full storyHarry Maguire To Be Britain's Next Prime Minister?
When Boris Johnson lied to the Queen about the prorogation of Parliament last week, and was then 'found out', it was the death knell for the egotistical, shock-headed prime minister who, if he'll lie to Her Majesty, cannot surely be trusted to tell...
Read full storyMan Delayed Going To Work Hoping For Some Catastrophic Natural Disaster
A man who hates going to work has told how he delayed going in this morning in the hope that some natural catastrophe such as an earthquake, hurricane, typhoon, monsoon, Biblical flood, volcanic eruption, or fireball from space might save him the bot...
Read full storyDrag Queen Wins Miss England Pageant: Measures 36-24-36-9
BILLINGSGATE POST: Wilma, née Woody Wentworth of Westminster won the Miss England Pageant held in Worstershire this weekend. According to public records, Wilma changed her name to Woody after undergoing a sex change operation a year ago. Woody p...
Read full storyHarry Maguire To 'Go Commando' Against Leicester On Saturday
Manchester United's £80million pin-up boy defender, Harry Maguire, is ready to set the Premier League alight, after vowing last night that he will 'go commando' for Saturday's match against his former club, Leicester City at Old Trafford. Women ev...
Read full storyU.S. Border Policy Rebranded as Trumpcare
Not to be outdone by former president Barack Obama's signature healthcare plan commonly known as Obamacare, United States president Donald Trump has rebranded his self-initiated border policy of imposing criminal penalties for unauthorized border cro...
Read full storyHarry Maguire With His Champions League Round-up
Manchester United and England central defender Harry Maguire drops in to help out with the details of the Champions League matches on a busy night in Europe. It was a busy night of European football last night, with many of the top teams involved...
Read full storyDonald Trump Joins Revellers At 'Storm Area 51' Gig
President Donald Trump was amongst the early arrivals for the 'Storm Area 51' event this morning, and was said to be in a state of "euphoric anticipation", and looking forward to dealing with some aliens. The president awoke early, and almost forg...
Read full storyHarry Maguire To Lead 'Storm Area 51' Charge
As the tension in Nevada increases in the build-up to this coming weekend's extraterrestrial events at Area 51, the Manchester United and England centre-half, Harry Maguire, has thrown his hat into the ring, and says that he, himself, will travel to...
Read full storyRobert Mugabe Cancer Verdict Sparks Wild Celebrations In Zimbabwe
Results of an autopsy performed after the death of Robert Mugabe, the Zimbabwe prime minister, then president, who had ruled over the country with an iron fist since 1980, proved the dictator was riddled with cancer, sparking wild celebrations throug...
Read full storySean Dyche Praises Summer Signing Sack of Gravel Ahead of Villa Clash
Burnley Football Club broke its transfer record by signing a sack of gravel from Dinamo Zagreb to bolster its midfield in the summer, and the inanimate building material is likely to make its first appearance in the Premier League against Aston Villa...
Read full storyWomen Being Treated Like Objects, Rather Than People, Claims Man
A man who knows about this kind of stuff, has said that the way modern women are treated is "just terrible", and they are often referred to using words that make them sound like objects, rather than sentient living beings. Moys Kenwood, 56, knows...
Read full storySatan Objects to Being Demonized by Catholic Church
"I may not have the greatest reputation," said Satan, "but when my name is mentioned, do you immediately think 'pedophilia'? Of course not! And to think the Catholic Church is trying to demonize me." Hurt by its fateful decision to limit the Trini...
Read full storyTrump Suggests Downgrading Hurricanes To Prevent Them Becoming Bigger
Donald Trump apparently forgot that two hurricanes that have been 'on his watch' reached Category 5, when he said, "I've heard of Category 4; I didn't realize that Category 5 was a thing!" "No, I don't see why we are allowing hurricanes to reach C...
Read full storyHarry Maguire: One On One Interview With Mumbles
BILLINGSGATE POST: In a nearly incoherent interview with Harry Maguire after Manchester United defeated Leicester City 1-0 Saturday, crack reporter Mumbles digs deep into the psyche of the Manchester defenseman. Mumbles: “Umm - Umm...Ri afder yrr...
Read full storyAlabama Gets Emergency Hurricane Funding
Montgomery, AL - Weeks after suffering the ills of Hurricane Dorian, the Governor of the State of Alabama asked for emergency funding to help it rebuild. In an emotional interview on 60 minutes, GOP Governor Kay Ivey could uttered only one word. "...
Read full storyComic Book Characters Too Macho for Disney
If, like me, you grew up in the 1960s or 1970s, you will be familiar with comics. Lying on your tummy and reading about superheroes was a weekly event. Sadly hollywood is going woke and ruining even American favourites. Here's a few of my heroes who...
Read full storyHarry Maguire Speaks Out About 9/11
Harry Maguire, the Manchester United central defender, has spoken out on what he says was one of the most memorable days of his life - September 11, 2001, the day of the World Trade Center terrorist attacks. Sheffield-born Maguire, now 26, was onl...
Read full storyHuman Evolution Comes to Screeching Halt
In a marked shift from evolutionary patterns of the past, scientists say that modem-day human evolution has come to a screeching halt. "If anything, we're regressing," said evolutionary biologist Peter Forman, Ph.D. "We didn't really want to publi...
Read full storyUnshaven Nectarine Fears Being Impeached
A self-described low-hanging fruit who prefers the natural look, a nectarine named Nick allowed a bit of fuzz to appear on his normally smooth skin, and says that he now fears being impeached. "Nothing against peaches, of course, but that would ju...
Read full storyNigel Farage believes the Earth is flat
Having wallowed in the gutter end of UK politics for three decades, Nigel Farage has always been an extreme character. Now he has embraced his lunacy in full, and has publicly admitted to being a Flat Earth believer. "It's obvious," said the torto...
Read full storyHarry Maguire Announces Wedding Plans
There's love, romance, matrimony and feverish expectancy in the air throughout the South Yorkshire region tonight, as the Manchester United and England £80million central defender, Harry Maguire, took some time out from football to announce the weddi...
Read full storyMan Impaled On Fencepost Will Not Be At Work On Monday
A man who fell 30 feet from a building onto a steel fencepost is lucky to be alive this evening, say medical staff, but he won't be at work on Monday. Peter Wolfe, 30, a construction worker on a new housing project in Minneapolis, was carrying a l...
Read full storyCouple watching complete box set of Poldark, again
Brian Asshat and his good friend (and paid housekeeper) Felicity Dowager from Chutney on the Fritz have started to watch all five series of Poldark, again. Felicity said 'I watch it for Captain Ross, his hairy chest, his way with a scythe, his way...
Read full storyDemand For Sharpies Soar After Trump Uses One to Move a Hurricane--Ticonderoga To Enter Market Also
Meteorologists, insurance executives, military officials, and first responders around the world are frantically purchasing Sharpies pens by the crate. Apparently, the arms race for Sharpies has been triggered by President Trump, when he used one to...
Read full storyMan Was Captivated By Air Hostess During Airline Onboard Safety Check
A male passenger on an airline flight from Helsinki to Bangkok at the weekend has revealed how he was "mesmerised" by one of the flight's stewardesses during the airline safety check procedure at the commencement of his journey. The passenger, 56,...
Read full storyConfirmed: Trump and Biden stormed Ukraine with violence and kicking over trash cans
Punxsutawney Phil has come forward in September this year to say: “Winter is coming on now—not just six more weeks from February 2!” New scandal is breaking onto Washington. Have current and previous Washington Oval Office residents been illeg...
Read full storyWhile Giving Tour of White House, Melania Trump Realizes She Hasn't Seen Son Barron for Three Months
Washington, DC "I have just been so busy giving tours, standing by my husband and looking serene, shopping for tasteful outfits, and so much more!" said Melania to reporters on the tour. "I remember seeing Barron back in June, and remarking about...
Read full storyRebranding Rebrands as Self-Determination
Responding to the pushback against the increasingly commercialized nature of our society, rebranding has rebranded as self-determination - to fabulous results. "Self-determination is blowing previous marketing models out of the water," said market...
Read full storyThe Magpie Murder
A notorious magpie in Sydney has been shot dead today, prompting many to agree that “the Aussies don’t take shit”. The magpie, which wasn’t given a name because people just knew they were going to have to kill the bastard, was known to attack passers...
Read full storyHarry Maguire Has A Day Off
Harry Maguire, the Manchester United central defender who cost the club £80million in a summer transfer from Leicester City, has been taking it easy at home, having a day off before facing his former Foxes teammates at Old Trafford in the Premier Lea...
Read full storyDemocrat Congress to Make "Capitalism" Illegal by 2020
NEW YORK - A recent CNBC business segment with Jim Cramer reported that Wall Street would face "annihilation" if Elizabeth Warren were to be elected President of the United States in 2020. Although an "Ultra-Millionaire Tax" got the most attention, t...
Read full storyHarry Maguire To Fight Prince Charles In Historic UFC Showdown
BILLINGSGATE POST: Pending dual approval by British Chancellor of the Exchequer, Sajid Javier and Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, the UFC showdown between suspended Manchester United defenseman Harry Maguire and Prince Charles has been set for October...
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