Human Evolution Comes to Screeching Halt

Written by Chrissy Benson

Friday, 13 September 2019

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Humans may have reached the end of their evolutionary rope, says the latest science.

In a marked shift from evolutionary patterns of the past, scientists say that modem-day human evolution has come to a screeching halt.

"If anything, we're regressing," said evolutionary biologist Peter Forman, Ph.D. "We didn't really want to publicize that because we didn't want to hurt people's feelings, but kind of like with climate change, we do believe it's important for humans to know what's happening. Or not happening, as it were."

Fortunately for the planet, said Dr. Forman, positive, survival-enhancing evolution seems to be proceeding as normal in the non-human world. "Fruit flies are killing it," he said. "Did you know they can live on beer?"

Interestingly, non-living beings, like computers and other forms of artificial intelligence are also positively evolving at unprecedented rates. "It's creepy, but at this rate, smart phones and fruit flies may be taking over the planet within the decade," said Dr. Forman. "You just watch!"

Interested in getting your personal evolutionary track headed in the right direction? Dr. Forman offered several suggestions as to lifestyle practices that could help, like meditation, but he particularly emphasized one thing that evolution-oriented individuals should avoid at all costs: Fox News.

"It's a death knell to evolution," said Dr. Forman. "Even fruit flies start devolving when exposed. We advise people to stay away."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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