Harry Maguire: Why Tulza Tuzon, Aka HAF-AND-HAF, Hates Him

Written by Dr. Billingsgate

Monday, 16 September 2019

image for Harry Maguire: Why Tulza Tuzon, Aka HAF-AND-HAF, Hates Him
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BILLINGSGATE POST: Tulza Tuzon, a.k.a. Haf-and-Haf, is still pissed that Harry Maguire left Leicester for Man Utd in the summer transfer window. It didn’t help that when he faced his old club for the first time since the move, Maguire’s new team eked out a 1-0 victory for Ole Gunnar Solskjaer’s side at Old Trafford.

To be sure, one of the Leicester fans, Mr. Haf-and-Haf, was beside himself in his loathing for Maguire.

Tulza Tuzon, aka Haf-and-Haf, had been a handsome man with dark hair and a mustache. An accident resulted in the left side of his face becoming disfigured and grotesque. Alas, he turned to a life of crime. He became skilled at training crows to steal purses and return them to him.

While living in Leicester, he saw an opportunity to profit from an older woman’s affection. He spoke amorously to her, and led her to an old associate of his who worked as a palm reader. Haf-and-Haf told the blind woman that they were at a Justice of the Peace who would marry them.

To the casual observer, Haf-and-Haf had few redeeming features. But he was one of the most ardent fans of Leicester City. When Maguire left for Manchester United, he was crushed.

More handsome than Haf-and-Haf by at least a half, when Harry looked up in the stands during the Leicester game, he couldn’t help but think what might have been if he had not been traded.

Slim: “I can’t believe Harry Maguire would forsake Leicester. Is nothing sacred?”

Dirty: “Yo, Dude. A fat wallet has no friends.”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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