President Extraordinaire, Donald Trump, has bought the entire island of Greenland from the Danish government. At first, the Danes were not happy at parting with a vast piece of property roughly 50 times
the size of their own native homeland of Denmark, but Trump made them an offer they couldn't refuse (rumor has it that the President of Denmark woke up finding a whale head in his bed.) In an interview yesterday, Denmark's Prime Minister stated that he was sad at the loss of the great island as “We were holding onto it in case our suburbs got too big, and we had to 'relocate' some people.” But, he added later, it would be better to let it go than to be “obliterated by an atom bomb from some nutcase.”
Upon receiving the deed entitling him to the near-continent-sized land mass which was written on four seal skins sewn together, Trump immediately declared himself King Of Greenland, even though the land is essentially a democracy. “I'll take care of that problem pronto!” stated Trump in a tweet to his many fans who wouldn't want to see him tied down to anything as wimpy as a 'demented democracy', as the President and now King stated in a later tweet.
“I don't see the point in ruling a country where you have to answer to other people.” stated the President firmly. “If you are going to go through the trouble of humiliating other candidates and using intimidation, and play power games to make yourself the number one honcho, you should have a complete say in how things are going to get run. This wimpy 'democracy' stuff is for losers, like Crooked Hillary.” The new King then belched up an uproarious guffaw at his own joke. “Here in my new realm I'm going to be the only one giving orders, and everyone else will be following them, or they will be put on a leaky boat in the upper Atlantic real quick!”
Upon discovering that there was no place to land on Greenland in his Presidential Air Force One jet other than Thule Air Force base, which is “too far north” for the President, the strange newly-formed group Concerned Citizens Wanting To Prevent WWIII stepped in with the offer of a Greenpeace boat to transport him to his new realm. Melania did not join him on his trip due to “not having a fur coat thick enough to withstand the Greenlandian weather” and from having to have been tipped off by a C.C.W.T.P.WWIII member that if she stayed behind and kept her mouth shut she would become a very wealthy woman very quickly.
Taken to the beach by a fleet of rubber zodiacs, Trump arrived to a welcoming Danish brass band who saluted his visit with a combination of The Star Spangled Banner, the Danish National anthem and numerous Greenlandian folk songs that resembled the sounds that mating whales make while making whoopee. The band continued to play until their lips froze to the mouthpieces of their instruments and they had to stop. Meanwhile, the King looked around and said “Wasn't this supposed to be green? You know, like it says in the name-'GREENland?”
While the band was quickly evacuating themselves, an arctic tundra crawler took the newly-anointed king further inland to a place where there was a hot spring, near which a giant ice palace had been erected, furnished with all the necessities, which had been built in his honor for him to stay in. Trump was so immersed in looking around his new ice palace that he did not notice the C.C.W.T.P.WWIII members taking off quickly in the tundra crawler before he noticed.
All Hail the New King!!!