Harry Maguire Implicated In Huge Betting Scandal

Written by Monkey Woods

Tuesday, 10 September 2019

image for Harry Maguire Implicated In Huge Betting Scandal
Above a launderette, the betting shop in Crumpsall

Police are looking into a huge betting scandal in the wake of the England football team's 5-3 victory over Kosovo in Southampton last night, with central defender Harry Maguire being the focus of their investigation.

Maguire, it was, who dithered over an easy clearance, and then hauled Kosovo's Vedat Muriqi, to the floor. An obvious penalty, and Muriqi brushed himself down to score the spot-kick, thereby giving England a severe case of the jitters.

Things turned ugly after the game, however, when it was revealed that an as-yet-unidentified slab-headed man entered a bookmakers in Crumpsall in Manchester yesterday morning, and placed rather a lot of money on a rather unlikely bet.

The bet, say police, was that England would concede three goals, and that the third of these goals would be scored from the penalty spot by, yes, you guessed it, Vedat Muriqi.

A second investigation, into why Everton defender Michael Keane gifted Kosovo their first goal by passing straight to Valon Berisha after 34 seconds, was concluded by Gareth Southgate last night, when it emerged that Keane thought the game hadn't yet begun, and that they were still in the warm-up.

Hardly any of this is true.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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