Sean Dyche Praises Summer Signing Sack of Gravel Ahead of Villa Clash

Written by Andy Hexlegs

Friday, 27 September 2019

image for Sean Dyche Praises Summer Signing Sack of Gravel Ahead of Villa Clash

Burnley Football Club broke its transfer record by signing a sack of gravel from Dinamo Zagreb to bolster its midfield in the summer, and the inanimate building material is likely to make its first appearance in the Premier League against Aston Villa this weekend.

Burnley boss, Sean Dyche, was quick to praise the sack of gravel, 24, in the pre-match presser at Villa Park.

“Sack of gravel will give us a crucial pivot in the midfield that will help to support our defensive shape. We know we’re Burnley, you know we’re Burnley, everyone pretty much knows that we’re Burnley, and this signing captures what we’re all about. Graft, grit, and hardness. We’re Burnley.”

The sack of gravel will receive £20,000 a week and provides competition for other midfielders in the squad. Sack of gravel played thirty games for Dinamo Zagreb last season. The defensive midfielder failed to score, provide an assist or even move about the pitch, but blocked several key shots and crosses by remaining stationary in deep midfield.

Some keen-eyed sports journalists, including tactical orator, Winston Hartley-Elbow, of The Times, smarmily intonated on Sky Sport's Sunday Supplement that deploying sack of gravel in this game could serve to "graze both the attacking movements and bare, hairless shins of Peaky Blinder toddler and Villa playmaker Jack Grealish."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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