The FDA orders vape juice to taste like fecal matter in light of youth vaping crisis

Written by Purple Girl

Sunday, 8 September 2019

image for The FDA orders vape juice to taste like fecal matter in light of youth vaping crisis
The FDA will require vape juice manufacturers to make their products taste like excrement.

To stem the tide of youth smokers and those using vaping products such as Juul devices, the FDA will be adding numerous new regulations for cigarettes and vaping products. In addition to banning menthol cigarettes to help reduce the number of youth and minority smokers, the FDA is also ordering vape manufacturers to produce only vape juices that taste like fecal matter.

According to an FDA official, Dr. Julia Henson, "We have to stem the tide of youth becoming addicted to nicotine and cannabis. Our findings say that youths who start vaping are at a greater risk of eventually smoking cigarettes than those who never try vaping. The trendy flavors make it more attractive for teens to start vaping. So it is time to limit the flavors to those which teens are least likely to want to try."

Will requiring that all vape juice taste like excrement significantly help reduce the youth vaping epidemic? Probably not, according to high school students who vape.

According to highschooler, Kenneth Smith, "I've eaten worse-tasting things in our school's cafeteria. We've joked about going outside after lunch and trying to find some dog mess to use as a palate cleanser. So a vape that tastes like actual crap is nothing."

Some vapers tend to dislike the new flavor limitation. Joe Greene, a regular vaper says, "Since all the vape juice will start tasting like crap, literally, I might as well start smoking again."

The different vape juice manufacturers still have room to compete since manufacturers have some leeway in interpreting what "feces flavor" actually tastes like. One of the new approved flavors is "Flaming Hot Alien S--t."

An anonymous employee for a major e-liquid manufacturer admits that the new restrictions will likely hurt sales, but adds, "We will continue doing what we've always been doing, and that is making the best s--t possible."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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