Wahoo, Nebraska - A local man here was surprised when infomed that the reality show "Amazing Race" had nothing to do with how great white people are, and is lobbying to force networks to be less deceitful and name their shows according to their true content.
Fred Holt, 54, a metal fabricator, says that exaggerating the mundane in order to make something seem more dramatic was becoming "an American past-time" - even in his social life.
"People are always trying to make things sound more significant than they really are," says Holt. "I just wish that people who say stuff like, 'I literally died when he left me' would keep their word, or at least let me keep it for them. Be straightforward, no bullshit. Either keep your word and die - literally - or just shut the hell up."
Holt, who says reality television shows are the worst culprits of all when it came to misrepresentation, and that the networks should take the lead in changing things, has made a list of popular reality shows and gave them literal names - in some cases, more than one.
"Some aren't airing anymore, but I mention them anyway," says Holt. "So I also came up with titles for those in case the networks decided to revisit them. It's not an exhaustive list by any means. But I have to start somewhere."
The partial list is as follows:
Literal Reality Show Names - By Fred Holt
1) Project Secretly Hoping She Falls On Her Ass
2) Female Self-Image Stompers
1) Bosses You Would Drown In A Grease Vat
2) British Asshole Verbally Abuses Women and Still Gets Paid Kitchen
3) Rich People Bitching Over Plates of Caviar and Shit
America's Got Talent:
1) America's Got To Be Kidding, Right?
2) America's Got A Lot of Time On Its Hands
3) America Shouldn't Quit Its Day Job
4) I Swear To God If Another Fucking Ventriloquist Wins . . .
"MTV's The Real World"
1) MTV's Try Not To Get Herpes World
2) MTV's Smarter Than My Parents World
3) MTV's If You Tuned In For Music - FUCK YOU! . . World
1) Guys Who Only Had A Couple Of Beers, Honest
2) Places In Your Car Not To Hide Your Dugs
3) The Running Minority Hour
"Naked And Afraid"
1) I Can't Stop Looking At Her Blurry Vagina
2) Matted Hair And Stinky Crotch
3) I Watch It For The Articles
1) Dr. Philioprahwinfrey
2) Dr. Ride My Moustache In the Green Room
3) Humongous Texan Yells At Little Girls
1) Las Vegas Gambler Exploiters
2) One Down - Three To Go Stars
"The Biggest Loser"
1) Okay - Now I Love You
"Toddlers and Tiaras"
1) Mini Sluts
2) Ugly Moms Who Dropped Out of Chess Club
3) Which One's the Five-Year-Old?
"Here Comes Honey Boo Boo"
1) I'm Suddenly Craving Fried Twinkies and Pig's Feet
2) What's That Rumbling Sound? - Honey Boo Boo Returns
1) Oh, Boy. Look. They Caught Another Fish.
3) The Adventures of Captain Bitchy-Britches and his Asshole Men
"Dancing with the Stars"
1) Shuffling Around Clumsily With Unknown Has-Beens
2) Making An Ass of Yourself For the Paycheck
3) Dancing With Gary Colman's Half-Sister's Gynecologist
4) Doing What With the Who Now?
Holt says the list will continue to grow as long as there are dumb people. "I plan to shove this list down some television executive's throat - literally."