A study into the causes of obesity has concluded that the condition is almost certainly linked to whatever sufferers have stuffed down their gullets.
The five-minute study undertaken by four men in a west Hull pub found that excessive bingeing on foods with a high sugar content almost always resulted in the gorger gaining weight.
Paradoxically, claimed one of the men:
"More gorging, less gorgeous."
Just as paradoxically, said another man,
"Less gorging, more gorgeous."
The third man to speak agreed with these paradoxicalizations:
"The less you eat, the more thin you get; the more you eat, the less thin you get!"
The last member of the group, not wanting to be outdone by his paradoxing pals, said:
"The more you don't eat, the less fat you get; the less you don't eat, the more fat you get!"
Another man, standing next to the pool table, said:
"Plus fat people are ugly, and usually smell like they need a bath."