Vatican Scientists Clone Jesus from Communion Wafer

Written by Matt Birkenhauer

Monday, 30 September 2019

image for Vatican Scientists Clone Jesus from Communion Wafer

The Vatican—Pope Francis today unveiled a ten-year-old Jesus whom, he explained, was cloned from a consecrated communion wafer blessed by Mother Theresa. The Vatican, to avoid too much publicity for the ten-year-old god, had kept the cloning under wraps until a whistleblower revealed the secret last week.

A spokesman for the Vatican said the experiment had been conceived and carried out by Jesuits at the Vatican to speed up the Apocalypse, given the fact that humans might preempt the biblical apocalypse with one of their own.

A DNA test conducted on the donor wafer revealed a match with the newly-minted Son of God. Said a spokesman for the Vatican, “Yes, it’s definitely a match, no doubt!”

The young Jesus, now traveling the world, has not been directly interviewed by any news outlet, although he was seen recently in Washington, D. C. teaching a group of Republicans the real meaning of the New Testament. Said one of the Republicans who listened to Jesus, “What kind of Commie bullshit is He trying to push!? This is why I prefer the Old Testament and the Gospel of Ayn Rand!”

The Chinese, some sources say, are now trying to clone Lao Tzu, Confucius, and Mao Tse-tung.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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