BILLINGSGATE POST: Intrigued by the techniques of Transcendental Meditation, Harry Maguire visited the Maharishi’s training camp in Rishikesh, India during a break in competition after Manchester United was ignominiously tied 1-1 by second tier Southampton two weeks previous.
Under pressure from self-described satirist, Monkey Woods, who has been relentlessly on his ass since Maguire was traded to Manchester and paid an exorbitant salary, the distraught defenseman flew into New Delhi to seek solace with the Indian guru who first met with the Beatles in 1967.
The Beatles were fascinated by the Maharishi. They were granted a 90-minute private audience with him during which they discussed Transcendental Meditation. They fully embraced the Maharishi’s teachings and announced their new passion for meditation. It was then that they realized that LSD was not the answer; renouncing it and all other mind-warping drugs.
Poor Harry didn’t have a chance. Before long he was chanting umbrageous mumbo-jumbo that released him from the spell of Monkey Woods. Incense was coming out of both of his jug ears.
His new destiny was scattering rose petals in front of the Maharishi’s hermitage each morning.
Asked if he had anything to say to Monkey Woods, Maguire responded in terse Latin:
“Vescere bracis meis” - Eat my shorts.
Free from Monkey Woods, life again had meaning.
Slim: “Who the f**k is Monkey Woods?”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. Anyway this Maharishi guy is related to Yogi Berra?”