Was Hitler an alien?

Saturday, 21 September 2019

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"Take me to your supreme leader."

It is one of the greatest questions of modern science: was Nazi dictator and moustache model, Adolf Hitler, actually an alien from outer space? Many believe he was.

Geoff Derp from the University of Dusseldorf has recently completed a study of every film that Hitler appeared in, to try to find out what species he was. "It's very odd," said Derp. "Hitler seems almost unhuman. And we believe that he had one tentacle."

Derp points to a 1941 video of Hitler at a Nuremberg rally, where he attacks his former rival Von Hindenberg. "Where are the telegraphs?" he shrieked to a hysterical crowd. "Lock him up!" the crowd chanted back. Von Hindenberg had died in 1934, but Hitler locked up his bones anyway.

"In that video," said Derp, "Hitler waves his right arm in the air, and it doesn't move like a human arm. It bends in peculiar ways, like a tentacle."

Hitler's tentacles were a well-known fact during the 1940s. Winston Churchill believed that he was half-squid, and that he could be tempted by a sexy lady-octopus. Many paratroopers in tentacle drag were dropped over Berlin, although none of them were ever heard from again.

Churchill also feared Hitler's ink sac, famously saying, "If Germany win the war, then Hitler will blind the lot of us with a cloud of black jizz."

However, Hitler's body was stolen by the USSR after the end of the war, and it is believed that they destroyed it.

"We may never know the truth," said Derp. "But then you could say that about anything."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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