Football Running Back Alleges He Had His Balls Fondled During Sexual Assault

Written by Monkey Woods

Wednesday, 25 September 2019

image for Football Running Back Alleges He Had His Balls Fondled During Sexual Assault
Butkiss, 91, cups his hand, whilst Aural, 29, purses his lips

A football running back has made a serious claim that his testicles were interfered with by one player in a game last weekend, and that a second player attempted to give him a blow job.

Hank Stonker, running back for the San Bernardino Shitehawks, claims that two members of the Kalamazoo Clampickers defensive unit tackled him at the 43-yard line during their game on Sunday, bringing him down, and sexually assaulting him in the process.

Stonker says that the Clampickers number 91, Reginald 'Fingers' Buttkiss, held his palm over his testicles in a "warm and friendly manner", and caressed them lovingly. He also claims that Kalamazoo number 29, Dale Aural:

"pursed his lips as he came in for the tackle, and pushed them up against my crotch, forcing my weapon into his mouth, which was not unpleasant, but, in the context of where we were, was rather inappropriate."

Video replays of the incident are inconclusive.

A similar incident took place in Dallas in 2017, when one of the Cowboys' cheerleaders was discovered in the Redskins' locker room with the opposition quarterback, with her lips wrapped around something they shouldn't have been wrapped around.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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