Pledging to help Americans and even Puerto Ricans remain calm in the face of the severe storms that are more and more frequently battering the United States for no particular reason, President Donald Trump promised to be the "eye" of present and future hurricanes, a source of calm and equanimity amidst even the most tumultuous natural disasters.
"Puerto Ricans will recall how in 2017 I set aside differences of race and nationality to offer them aid following Hurricane Maria," said Trump. "And I will do the same for citizens of the United States terrorized by extreme weather systems."
Trump went on to note that while scientists have not managed to come up with any explanation for the ever more dire storms affecting the safety and security of all Americans and especially those in coastal regions, Trump himself theorizes that wind turbines are to blame.
"Our use of wind turbines is the only thing that's changed in our energy system in recent decades," said Trump. "And these slight changes in air acceleration can end up taking on monumental proportions when they're multiplied over the ocean." He chuckled darkly. "As if causing cancer weren't enough."
Trump concluded by stating that he will do everything in his power to ban dangerous forms of energy like wind power - and, in the meantime, he will continue to be the calm and steadfast "eye" of the storms certain to come our way - while also keeping a watchful eye on individuals' telecommunications with the help of the National Security Agency.
"As they say, the eyes have it," quipped the president. "Americans need not fear. I've got this."