"I may not have the greatest reputation," said Satan, "but when my name is mentioned, do you immediately think 'pedophilia'? Of course not! And to think the Catholic Church is trying to demonize me."
Hurt by its fateful decision to limit the Trinity to three entities, none of which was him, Satan's relationship with the Catholic Church has been on the rocks for millennia. "But we're all part of the same overall schematic," said Satan. "Some people don't believe in any of us, God or Jesus or me. It only makes sense for us to unite in our common aims."
According to Satan, these common aims include cultivating a culture of fear and keeping big money an integral part of the election process. "And it's working," said Satan. "We're seeing the fruits of these efforts every day."
He added that he also wouldn't mind getting a little credit for visiting hellfire on the Arctic in retribution for the moral depravity of humanity. "It wouldn't be melting at nearly the rate that it is, if not for my contributions," he said. "So, for the Church to view me as its arch enemy is pretty hurtful."
And Satan and the Catholic Church have always officially been on the same page with regard to one particular issue: contraception and abortion. "I've always been one hundred percent pro-life," he said. "I'm a big fan of spawning."
Even so, Satan pledged that he'll get his revenge on the Catholic Church one day. "I've got a special place reserved downstairs for Archbishop Bransfield," said Satan, a devilish twinkle in his eye. "I can't wait for him to check in."