BILLINGSGATE POST: Harry Maguire has vowed never to play again at Old Trafford until the cockroaches infesting the locker rooms have been equipped with safety helmets. As reported yesterday by crack reporter Monkey Woods, the Manchester United defender was moving “like a bullet out of a gun, when he trod on a cockroach, killing it stone dead.”
Using a quite British reverse osmosis analogy, a confused Monkey Woods describes Maguire with less than flattering terms:
“A lumbering carthorse with little or no turn of pace, unable to check his stride.”
Because of this, an innocent cockroach was left moribund on the locker room floor of Old Trafford, his vital juices oozing onto the cleats of young Maguire. Attempts to resuscitate him proved unsuccessful.
There are 10 million stories in the naked locker rooms of Old Trafford; none however with the impact of this one.
Alas, Maguire was subsequently diagnosed with terminal katsaridaphobia, for which there is no known cure. His availability for the Arsenal game this coming Monday is murky.
*Although this story was compiled from a source that has hereto proved completely unreliable (Monkey Woods), the BILLINGSGATE POST stands behind its authenticity one hundred percent.
Slim: “That’s good enough for me.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. Wonder where they get those cute little yellow helmets?”