Robert Mugabe Cancer Verdict Sparks Wild Celebrations In Zimbabwe

Written by Monkey Woods

Monday, 23 September 2019

image for Robert Mugabe Cancer Verdict Sparks Wild Celebrations In Zimbabwe
Mugabe when he was still alive

Results of an autopsy performed after the death of Robert Mugabe, the Zimbabwe prime minister, then president, who had ruled over the country with an iron fist since 1980, proved the dictator was riddled with cancer, sparking wild celebrations throughout the impoverished state.

Mugabe, who died aged 95 on 6 September, was prime minister from 1980 until 1987, and president from 1987 until 2017. It had been rumored by WikiLeaks that he had been suffering from prostate cancer, but this was denied by the Zimbabwean government.

Today, however, that diagnosis was confirmed, sending Harare into convulsions of ecstasy.

Mugabe, it's fair to say, was not well-liked in Zimbabwe, Africa, or anywhere else, for that matter. Even his wives weren't keen.

One man declared that he was:

"As pleased as punch."

A woman, who gave her name as Hettie, laughed:

"Well, I'm over the moon! It's just a bit of a shame he didn't go blind before he died. Or get knob-rot."

A spokesman for the Harare coroner said:

"We are happy to reveal that Mr. Mugabe was suffering from cancer which chemotherapy could not cure. Also, he died in awful pain, which is, somehow, fitting."

The sky lit up with fireworks, and there was much cheering and merriment.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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