The Magpie Murder

Funny story written by Backandtotheleft

Tuesday, 3 September 2019

image for The Magpie Murder
The shadow of death catches us all in the end

A notorious magpie in Sydney has been shot dead today, prompting many to agree that “the Aussies don’t take shit”. The magpie, which wasn’t given a name because people just knew they were going to have to kill the bastard, was known to attack passers-by at all hours of the day.

Local resident, Cal Morris, said:

"Aye, he was a proper twat, that one. Always swooping down and pecking at people - he got exactly what was coming to him, which was a police chase and a shooting."

Several attempts to resolve the situation peacefully had failed. The local council had tried negotiating with the bird to no avail, and they had even tried to catch it in a net so it could be relocated. After trying out these alternative ideas for about twelve seconds, the decision was taken to get a professional in to shoot the bird, the professional in question being 54-year-old Clinton Rouge, a man who was well known to the local authorities. Mainly because he’d been arrested four times for shooting small animals with his air pistol.

The magpie, dubbed “The Windsor Road Monster”, had been attacking people with glorious abandon for years, and one local resident had been killed trying to take matters into his own hands. Bryce Charlton had scaled the tree he believed the magpie's nest was located in, and tried to throw a cat at it. However, Bryce lost his footing and plunged to his death. The cat and the magpie survived.

Sydney council were delighted with the outcome after the bird was shot at the ninth attempt. Furious magpie lovers condemned the move, and called for a more peaceful solution in the future, to which Sydney council responded:

"A more peaceful solution? Get to fuck, did you meet the bugger?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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